Episode Transcript
Hi. This is Rachel on Recovery. We're back with Susan Omillioan, and she's here to tell the rest of her story. Tell us about your workshops.
U2
0:09
So I started, as I said, when Maggie was killed, I really didn't have any idea what I was doing, but I wanted to do this workshop, wanted to get together with women. It's a small workshop. There are women who are no longer in the abuse or they've come through the sexual assault crisis. This some of these women have been out for many years and still don't feel like they've moved on. And I usually get referrals from a domestic Violence or sexual Assault Crisis service. So they've gone through the steps of getting out or getting through the sexual assault. And they have got support and they've got resources, great programs. But there's another piece, and they're sort of like, okay, so what's next? I still feel like I'm kind of like here, and I'm not really moving on. So it's a two day workshop. I do not have the women tell me their abuse story. I make sure they're safe. And if they're not, I'll make a referral back to a program that can help them or a therapist or an attorney. But we really just start from where we all are. We all agree that we have had similar experiences. We don't have to articulate them, and we begin to really move to that space. So it's a two day workshop. Over the course of those two days, I go through the seven steps. I have an exercise for each one of these worksheets, or writing exercise. And we sort of work and share 2s our writing and our experiences of moving forward, like the Inner Critic Exercise and the Vision exercise. And by the end of the workshop the other two days, they usually have a new goal to work on or a goal that they had before the workshop. Like, I need to get a better job now that I'm a single parent. And now they have new energy to go out and do that. And I also decided when I did do these workshops, I used to do them in
person before COVID And then COVID came along, and I guess the opportunity was to figure out how to do them virtually, which is now what I've been doing. And so I now have women that are able to come in different parts of the country and also other countries have been joining. But if they come to both sessions of the workshop. And the workshop is free. I have a nonprofit that helps me raise money, so it's free of charge. Very important for women in this stage of their life. They don't have money on luxury, for luxuries, no matter what it might be, the cost might be. And if they come to both sessions of a workshop, I invite them to a free follow up group. And so I have now been working with some of the men monthly 1s for six, 7810, 15 years. So I've actually seen many of them move through. And in fact, in my last book called Living in the Thriver Zone, 2s I interviewed seven women who have come through my workshops, and some of whom I've known for a period of time, and asked them, how did the workshop help you? Where were you when you came in? What was the step that helped you the most? What's the one you come back to? And how would you describe your life today as a thriver? And they just write these and have written in the interview, gave me these great responses. So I really try to show because then they become role models for the women who are coming. Know, if if Mary can do that and she came to the workshop and she following the steps, then I can go do what I need to do. And I think that role modeling is really important because that's how the energy gets built up. And I'm, in fact, a role model for many of the women. If this bad thing happened to someone you love, then he makes something good come out of it that's really important. And then people want to know how I did that, which is exactly the seven steps. It's pretty transparent, but I think it's important to sort of concentrate the time in a workshop because it is really breaking down all those old fears and old beliefs about yourself that are very limiting. And you may have had long before the violence, you may have had them since you were little girls. And certainly in the world I grew up as a girl, girls were are not considered to be smart and brave and able to do whatever we had to really work ourselves into that and also to change the world to understand that was possible.
U1
4:39
Okay, 1s tell us a little bit about what we need to do to change laws to protect women.
U2
4:46
Well, I think since I've been in this movement probably for about 30, 40, 50 years, we've done a lot to change. We've given definitions. We've actually put names on things that never had names. The most recent change in the law, which has not been universal yet around the country and the old. So that's one thing we could work on is changing the laws to be even more articulate and more precise about what is the kind of behavior in a domestic violence situation. And that's by changing the language a bit or adding language, which is coercive control. So that's the word that's now being used. And because in most states and it makes sense, the criminal law only covers physical violence or threats of physical violence, that's a crime in our society. But the other things that are happening to women are not necessarily crimes, not physical violence. They're emotional and psychological abuse. So coercive control means it's about manipulation, intimidation, and particularly moving into the area of control of your mind, body and spirit and your money and access to money. One of the
major reasons why women don't leave is because they don't have money. They don't have access to money. Even the money that they sometimes have from their own jobs is not accessible to them. Their abuser takes that money and requires them to give that money up so that they have no control of it. Or they don't have access to the credit through the credit cards or the credit cards in their own name have been overspent, so they don't have any credit rating anymore. So really trying to think about that. Coercive control, it comes up a lot in the family law courts coming through divorce cases, particularly around child custody, because in many states, domestic violence is not considered to be manipulation and intimidation. Once again, it's back to, well, he didn't hit her or he didn't hit the child. So therefore 1s I use the word he, but it could be other sex. That person is not an abuser. And so trying to expand that law a lot more. And that's one of the things that has been really critical in the last little bit and then just trying to get people to understand in the law that a lot of this stuff is connected. So one of the things we have here in Connecticut, where I live right now, is we have a connection between the gun laws in this state and restraining orders. So if you have a restraining order for physical violence or. 2s Emotional abuse that goes to the level of intimidation and threatening to kill or threaten to harm. You are not allowed to have a gun. You have to give up your gun during that period of the restraining order. This has been challenged in a number of states and the supreme court. But it makes sense to me. We need to, because in many cases, including my niece's case, maggie was killed. Buy a gun. Access to guns. Not to say that everybody who has a gun is a homicidal person, but access makes it much more likely that will happen. So trying to mesh some of these things together and then the ongoing work legally to make sure that there's money for the services that are desperately needed. I grew up in a time, I think I was in my 20s, early 30s, when the first domestic violence shelter came into place. So these are not things we've always had. And shelters are expensive sexual assault crisis services, the kind of services that I do 1s good therapists to work with, and also lawyers, and particularly legal aid lawyers who 1s all that's about money. The law, and particularly the federal money through the violence against women act, is really important to keep that going. So I don't know if it's changes, but it's also sustaining a lot of these and then seeing what's next and how we keep, I think, in COVID time. We realize that we can't build enough shelters for women to keep them safe. It's really about helping them move on and to keep their lives moving and to change that prospect that they thought they had, that this was always going to be their life as a victim, maybe a survivor, but in and out of that, but really moving on and having a much better life, not only for themselves, but their children. Okay, tell
U1
9:23
us what we can change in the work world to stop sexual harassment.
U2
9:28
Oh, that's a really good question. I remember years ago when I first started working on sexual harassment, which is not very well known, and we convinced I was working at a women's public interest law firm and sexual harassment had not yet been declared illegal by the Supreme Court. That took a little while. Later. Sex harassment is sex 2s go. We're going out to employers and offering to do some training in their workforce about sexual harassment and how to stop it. And of course, we
invariably would get one of the guys in the training to say, oh, is this going to be about how to sexually harass? Oh, that's really funny. And it's changed. That's changed. I think what employers have been realizing is that first of all, if you don't stop sexual harassment in your workplace, it's going to cost you money. Women do have the right to sue and this lawsuits will come and you will pay money for it. And secondly, that the productivity of your workers is going to go way down. It's really hard as a woman or a person in a workplace while you're being sexually harassed to do your best work. And to be productive. So I think employers are getting more and more serious about it and maybe not for the right reason. Maybe it's just about money, which is either way we'll go there. But I think it's still making more and more women or people because it's certainly I mean, I do a legal book every year, and I do update all the cases. And there's been an uptake take in the number of men who file cases sometimes against women. They're female bosses or their coworkers, but also gay men and lesbian women. So there's been a lot of progress in that state. But really making employers understand that this is a workplace issue that they should really be dealing with. And I think making I don't know if we can make it stop, but I think we can get more information so that the victims will have will understand that it's not right what's going on, and it's not their problem, it's their employer's problem. And the employer has a duty under the current laws in this country, particularly title Seven, which is the employment discrimination law, to stop it. And if they don't, they'll pay for it.
U1
11:52
Okay, what can the banking community do to help with domestic abuse? This is a new area that I've been working on the last year or so, working with some women and men who have some background in the financial services and the banking community. And as I said before, one of the. The things about domestic violence that we have labeled over the years and been more clear about is financial abuse. For many women, just to get out because they don't have access to money is a major threat. There's a study that says that 3s the women who try to get out of a domestic violence situation, that money was their major reason why they couldn't get out. They didn't have money to get out. They didn't have job to support themselves, they didn't have a place to go, they didn't have money. But for some of the women to get that money, they had to wait up to it took them at least two years to get out. And in a domestic violence situation, ten minutes is a dangerous time period. So for two years to try to figure out how to keep themselves safe and their children because they didn't have access to money. So it becomes clearer and clearer this is a problem we need to solve in our society. So what I've been working with people from the banking world is to say because right now banks are looking for customers. There are a lot of people that no longer use banks because there's cash apps and all these different things. So they have this thing about the unbanked people, 1s which I didn't know was a problem. So they're actually looking for customers. And so we are coming to them as an industry and saying we've got customers for you. We have women who, because of your banking credit things. For example, a woman whose credit has been shot in this relationship by an abusive partner. She has no credit rating. So she needs to get out. She's trying to get out. She's trying to get a loan to get herself a car and the bank is telling her that she is not a good credit risk. So sorry, we can't give you a loan. And I understand that that's good banking practices, but is there someplace to come in the middle here to understand that this is a customer? First of all, that will be extremely loyal to you if you give them a loan, they will tell all their friends to come and work at come to this
bank. But secondly, that they may be a better risk than you thought they were. And how do we break down some of those and I guess I'd say stereotypes that women who stay are deadbeats and they'll never have any money and they're not good credit risks. So how do we break some of those down? And also to have the banking community understand a little bit more about trauma and the kind of trauma some of these women come through. For example, if they've had a head injury and they have a difficult time sort of managing figures and pieces of paper and deadlines and when they have appointments doesn't mean that they're bad people and they can't manage their money and their time. It's that they have injuries need to be accommodated in some way. So it's really starting. It's starting to have a conversation on both sides with the banking community to say, you want customers? We got your customers. How can we meet in the middle to serve both needs? And I think that's really also making them more as one of the industries that's out there that should be more trauma informed, more understanding, that it's not about trauma just for women who've been abused. There's all kinds of trauma out there. So and I think another population that banks have started to work with more in credit unions are people coming out of jail post incarceration, many of them, who are not there for violent crimes or even for economic crimes. So how do they begin to work with people that are starting from the bottom? And like I said, they'll be great customers rest of their lives if that's what the bank can do for them. That's awesome. Yeah, I like it. What do societies need to do to help with abuse?
U2
16:09
Well, I think it's really helpful that we have words for it now and we're more clear. I can't tell you how many times I do a talk about the warning signs of abuse, which are. There's about 15 or so. Some are pretty subtle that I get people in the crowd that I didn't know that I mean, I have people who say that they don't didn't understand about financial abuse. They kind of got the idea that it's hard to start over again, but they didn't quite understand how insidious it is and how difficult it is. I think the other thing is that we're trying to now understand how how widespread it is and also the different kinds of abuse 1s that we've begun to understand that the impact is sort of cumulative, one thing after another. Not just this happened to this person here, but how it fits together. And we're learning a lot more about trauma and the idea of how it affects the body, how it affects the mind and how it affects persons people's long term. And I think we're also trying to get more role models out there for how people women always say to me, I really admire those women that go out there and have your own business and are really successful and they're not like me. They didn't have this experience. Well, you don't know that it is still a stigma in our society to say that I'm a domestic violence survivor. I'm a thriver after domestic violence. I'm a sexual assault survivor. Human trafficking is and it's still even for child abuse. I mean, I have had people look at me as scant at times in public when I even say that my niece was murdered, like there's something what was wrong with me? There's always this 1s more tolerance and more understanding. And I don't think that a family in this today or a person in our society hasn't been touched in some way by some trauma. I know my niece was killed with a gun and I know that I'm a homicide survivor. And when people today, if you ask an audience how many people here have had loved ones or people that they know killed by a gun, the hands go up. It's one of those now how many people had people die? So I think we're understanding how. 2s We're trying to be more understanding of the impact of abuse, trauma, violence, and not just that happens to us directly, but people's fears based on their experiences or
their you know, right now, it's people are some people are afraid to go to the movie theater because someone will come with a gun and do something, go to church because of that. It's all very frightening to many people, maybe because of their past experiences, but also sort of the cumulative effect of that. 3s And they also don't understand the impact of childhood trauma and how that moves through your life. So maybe we need to be what they say, more trauma informed. Although I don't think people don't get it. I just don't think they always see the connections. Yeah,
U1
19:18
I would say that's true. They don't realize the long term effects of trauma.
U2
19:23
And that's one of the reasons why I do my show, is because I have a lot of people come and tell their stories, and I want to know what are the long term effects? Because they're there.
U1
19:34
I promise they are. And they come in different forms and different angles in everybody's life.
U2
19:40
Well, and I think it's also there's been a lot more information and conversation about what triggers trauma brings you back to that trauma. I can get triggered back. That's one of the reasons why when Maggie was killed, I did not go back to doing direct cris intervention work with women. I tried to 1s because I felt, well, Maggie's been dead. I need to go back and help women get their divorces and deal with domestic violence victims. And when the first moment I went to the shelter, every woman in the shelter was Maggie, and I emotionally couldn't do, you know, I figured out another path to take. But that's a trigger for me. I have learned my triggers. I can trigger pretty fast sometimes. And a lot of people that work in the movement actually are survivors, so that's a triggering response. But even learning that how to stay grounded, how to and not just for going through abuse, so that's another thing I think that we need. We're a little more conscious of it, but you're right, it'll always come back around. There's no question about it. 1s But you can manage
U1
20:48
it. Yes. 2s Um, how has working in this field affected your faith?
U2
20:55
Well, sometimes it's hard to believe that we'll ever solve this problem. Sometimes it's really hard, particularly when you get a woman who's just been devastated. Her children. I've worked with not so much the children, but I've known the children of the women I've worked with, and I've watched them grow up, and and they're actually doing really well. But it's really hard to believe that this is happening. 2s Who and why is making this happen? And it's really hard not to get discouraged and depressed about it. And sometimes I've had to step away from it, and particularly when I've done some really difficult cases. I think what I learned about I'm not a person of great religious faith at this point in my life, but I do believe that there's a spiritual life. There's a spiritual part of us, and there's a higher power. And that I think what I've learned is that that's a part of us that can't die. That's the part of us that is immortal. 1s I see these women who say they feel like everything has been crushed, and I can see them sort of that spirit rise again. And then the idea that they can and they will move on and they will do good things, I think that purpose, having a purpose in your life, that's really what I think Maggie's death gave me more than anything. Or as I said before, it kind of pulled everything together for me to realize that there is a higher realm and a higher purpose to what I do. It's not just I mean, I've never done it. Most of my work that I've ever done in my life has never been for money, that's for sure. I was really clear about that when I started. When I was in law school, I wasn't taking those classes that people take to make a million dollars as a lawyer. But I also realized that I wanted to have a life of purpose. I wanted to do something good. I felt that was why I was here on this earth. 2s And to fulfill that was really part of this work. Is this work easy to do? Does it sometimes make me feel like there is no God? There is nobody in charge here? Absolutely. But then I also see the women who rise up, and their spirit is strong and. 1s And if I can get that spiritual growth, which is one of the post trauma growth, 1s it's that there is a belief that this part of you 1s that can't die, that has been untouched, that really can come up and do something really good and be a good person in this society. And that's really what I think the women want to know, because many of them have strong religious beliefs. They have strong spiritual beliefs, but what they've come through makes them doubt that. And so if I'm able to help them see that, that's really part of the job that I really like and love.
U1
23:50
Okay. What do you do for self care? Well,
U2
23:53
that's also another really good question. 2s I love what I do. 1s This is what makes me happy. This is the work that I do. I'm not a person that has ever wanted much more than that. So I don't always 1s feel like I have to go off and. 1s Do grand vacations and take time off because this work is really important. But what I have learned is that there are things that slow me down a bit and that revive my spirit. And those things are things that I've really worked hard at and kept it up. One for me is meditation. It's really helpful to me. I also make sure that I do after I get were talking to you, I'm going to go and take my two mile day walk. Being out in nature is really important to me. And also just spending time with people that share some of my purpose, that feed what I do and how I do it. And then finally, I think it's just trying to see that as you progress through this, that the self care sort
of comes to you. It's not like you have to think about it a whole lot. For a while, I used to think about, okay, I should do this every day, and that every day. And then sometimes some days I just work and that's the best thing for me. And other days, like probably tomorrow, I'll say I'm going to just hang out and watch a few movies or talk to some friends. But I think it's really trying to gauge those two things. Because if I do too much self care, then I feel like I'm missing the other part. But I do too much of the work that I love to do, then I do feel like so it's trying to find a balance. And we do talk about this a lot with the women in our group trying to connect with each other and also to support each other in the kind of things that make us happy 1s and that thriving part. When we used to get together in person, we would do a lot of cool things like dancing and just sort of being artwork. The other thing they love to do is art stuff. I'm not an artist, but you can't see much in my office but art projects and those kind of things. So, um. 1s That's sort of gotten me through where I am today. But I do feel that my work is really the part that really makes me sing the most. Okay.
U1
26:21
Is there anything else you'd like to add that we did not address?
U2
26:25
No, I think we did a good job. I will just say that 1s as I mentioned, I do have workshops. There are four times a year they are free of charge. They're virtual. So if people would like to go on, they're called my Avenging Angel workshops, which I didn't mention. And the reason why I have the name is because when my niece was murdered, as I mentioned, the young man who killed her killed himself. So I didn't have a way to avenge her death through the criminal justice system or whatever and make sure he didn't hurt anybody again. So I decided that living well was the best revenge. And that's really what I put out for the women. They like that. That's right. No matter what happened to me, living well is my best revenge. I don't have to get back at people that's just never going to work anyways. So I call them my avenging angel workshops. And if you go onto my website, 1s Thriverzone.com, Thriver or to Myavengingangel.com, you can see the information there. And I do trainings. My books are also up there. And I'm interested in talking to anybody who resonates with this work, who's doing similar work, who has an interest in what I do. I do get a lot of referrals to my workshop from therapists who are looking for resources and also attorneys, doctors. So if you know any budy who might be interested or make referrals, the therapists in particular like the idea that I do visioning and setting goals. I don't do therapy, but I always tell the women they should have a whole resource. You have your workshop with me, and then you have your therapist, and you have some friends that support you, and you have your doctor and the whole shooting match together. 2s Okay. All right.
U1
28:17
Thanks for coming on our show. Thanks for
U2
28:20
listening. Thank you for doing your show, putting out this information and yourself as a person that thinks this is what people need to hear. And we do need more and more stories and what's the word testimonials that 1s you, too, can view? That's right.
U1
28:41
Yes.
U2
28:42
All right, my dear. Thank you so much.
U1
28:44
All right. Thanks, guys, for listening. This is Rachel and Recovery. Tune in next Thursday at 10:00 a.m. To hear our next episode. Always follow us on your social media platform and or 2s podcast platform. If you want to reach out to us on Rachelandrecovery.com and always subscribe on YouTube. 8s You Sam.
