Episode Transcript
Hi, guys. We're back with Rachel in recovery. We're here with the Lies We left with Erin and Ashley and they're going to tell the rest of their story.
How has this impacted your dating life?
I was like when you were when you were dating. Yeah. I mean, I would say for me before I realized, before I really came to terms with any of my abuse. I had severe trust issues and I had severe um like rejection issues. Like I I was very **** hurt all the time when a guy didn't want to go out with me. You know, where I just felt like that he wanted me just for sex or, you know, like stuff like that. So I I definitely felt. But a lot of trust issues and a lot of, um, projecting. Like projecting your projecting my feelings onto the person that I was with. But I didn't realize it then. For me, I guess I would say I was.
Very sexually active, even though I didn't feel any pleasure, OK. Maybe I felt like.
2% pleasure from any sexual activity I I had. You can give a percentage. Yeah. Was that bad? How do you measure, how do you measure that? I just remember all of the times, you know, just lay there like a sardine or, you know, or you're just like, yeah, I know. Quite the visual, huh? So I would say that I definitely initiated sex people I guess would say if they didn't know any which no one knew how I was feeling. I didn't even know who what I was feeling. I just. It I guess to the outward eye it looked like I was promiscuous or whatever, but. I because you were. Really. No, I'm just kidding.
Um, so yeah, I just. I I think I just. Tried I engaged in sexual activity a lot, and looking back now is because, well, one I was trying to figure out. I was trying to get someone to like me. You were trying to get up to 90% and not 2%. I was trying to get up to 5%, no.
But yeah, that just the. I think filling up the loneliness that I had, but then also just trying to figure out. Like. That's. To be honest, that that's the only time Cindy showed that she liked me. And now I didn't know that back then, but seeing it now, I can see all that. In play.
Um, how has this impacted your marriage? What hasn't it impacted in my marriage? For me, I would say the sexual issues only the lip flop. My husband gets a bad side of it. Well I guess both of them are bad, but just not wanting to have sex, having intense just. Episodes of just having. Flashbacks.
Yeah, just. Being intimate. Aye. I don't. I'm still having issues with that. I've gotten better, but didn't want to be intimate at all. But overall, it has impacted my marriage in a good way because we have gotten closer.
Yeah, I mean, I guess I would say for me it's pretty similar to Aaron. I mean especially when the abuse first.
Came out like once. I actually accepted it a few years after. Definitely impacted my sex life. You know, I still deal with PTSD. I I think that that's something that you kind of continue to deal with and I think that you just have to. Figure out how to manage it and how to deal with it in the moment and kind of like what works for you.
I would say though more so than that it it's just been, it was a very hard. Going through the EMDR therapy. And I think that Colin, my husband, would even worry at times like is this even helping you? Because you're coming back and you're a lot worse than from when you left. You know, so it was really hard at times to kind of have that support. Like he supported me as a person, but he's he didn't really support the process because he wasn't seeing anything. He just saw me. I mean, I would go go into these crying spells, I would go into these depressive spells and I would just, I was so all over the place. That it was kind of hard to function. I was doing EMDR therapy every single week. For one to two hours. And I was doing this during my CPS job and so it was just a lot and I burned myself out. Um, so I would say that it was really hard during that specific time for him to kind of trust the process and for me to get through it. Since then, it really has made our relationship stronger. And that's where I think doing the hard work of healing is so true, because there is something beautiful on the other side. You just have to keep fighting for yourself and you have to keep pushing because you'll get there. It just may not be when you think you're going to get there or as fast as you want it.
I understand. I'm going through EMDR right now and. I've never been so tired. I mean, other than maybe when I did narrow feedback in my life. I just want to yeah, it drains you.
Yeah, it's. It's exhausting, but I do see. I know there's the end at the time. You know there's. There's going to be. It's going to get to a point where I'm going to be better overall, yeah. But the biggest part is just getting that vagus nerve, too. Stop being in fight or flight, yeah.
Absolutely.
Um. How has this affected your parenting?
Ashley, how has it affected your parents? Well, with my five kids that I no. I don't have kids. And as a matter of fact, I think that that's a huge reason why I think I've been scared for a really long time to have kids. I mean, first of all, I like not having kids right now. Um, I've been married for this year. We'll be seven years and it's, you know, and I'm not going to lie, the first several years of our marriage was just ****. You know, the first year we got married was 2016 boom. My dad dies. 2018 boom. His mom dies from alcoholism. And then boom. Our granny, who we were both very, very close with, and I considered her to be like a parental figure. She died last year. And so it was just a lot of like, we've had a lot of deaths that we've had to deal with. And, you know, we've just been so focused on trying to like, help ourselves and try to like help each other and not fall apart. But I couldn't imagine having a kid. You know, these past several years I just couldn't. But now I'm getting in a much healthier place than I have considered. Um. You know, getting pregnant and having a kiddo and stuff like that. I've always loved kids. My job sometimes makes me hate kids because I get so annoyed, but I'm definitely in a healthier place where I feel like I could start looking at that.
No, I get that. For me, I have three boys, and.
It has affected my parenting because I'm not. I haven't always been present with them. You know I'll get. I I think one of the biggest things that I've dealt with is is anxiety. Throughout this whole process. And so, you know, if it's hard, whenever you just have that constant anxiety and your kids are wanting to play with you and you're just like, I don't want to play, I don't want to do anything. I want to. I want to scream, I want to take something and like. You know, stab wherever the pain is, wherever this constant anxiety is, in the hopes that it will get better or it will leave and.
I. I think it was just me not being present.
Because then I also had the job with CPS. And then marital issues and so yeah, I think it has effect it had, it had affected.
You know, my parenting, I I feel like. I mean, I never abused them or anything like that. I never neglected them.
But I definitely. I missed out on. I missed out on happy moments. You know.
She does not give herself enough credit. She is an amazing mom and she is always there for her kids. You may not feel like you're there, but you are. Yeah, but. Time time passes and you don't you wish you could take it back, you know, or. But what I all I can do is be who I need to be now. Work. Continue healing. And. Maybe one day I can. Be you know all that my kids need me to be and deserve.
Um, how is this impacted your finances? Ohh Lord.
It's impacted so much of our finances, it's not even. Funny, it's just it's crazy how much money EMDR therapy has cost, how much vitamins cost to keep up with your, you know, adrenals when you have adrenal fatigue or, you know, you do this, you do that. Someone suggests this, you try that. Um.
If I could put a number on it.
I've I feel guilt because I'm just like, our family could be going to Europe, maybe I feel like once every year or something like that. I don't know.
Maybe to the beach, something like that. Like goodness gracious, Oh no. So much money. I mean well and then. Inflation doesn't help, right? It doesn't. Actually doesn't. I I would say for me in terms of finances.
It's always been, you know, we grew up in poverty, so in the back of my head, I think I will get scared about certain things just kind of automatically, you know, I start getting anxious about money.
But it's definitely gotten better. Um. It's definitely gotten better and I would definitely say kind of what Aaron has already said, just kind of investing in things, trying to like kind of fix myself. Um, I don't know that I could put a number on it necessarily, but it definitely has impacted our finances.
Um, how has this impacted your physical health long term?
I I don't have a. Doctor Seal of approval on this statement. So there's that. But I feel like the trauma that I endured at such a young age and continued because it was a continual trauma, not the sexual abuse, but the physical or the the mental, the spiritual, the emotional, the neglect, all of that. You're in hypervigilance like you're, you're just, your body is in fight or flight all the time, and that plays. I mean, maybe for some people it's OK, but for me it was so hard on my body. Was to the point where. I. I can't eat a lot of food like different foods. Um, I should be more diligent and stick to a certain regimen of how I eat. But I don't always. I don't know what I'm going to do with this holiday season coming out, but. Um, I feel like I get sick a lot more than a normal person, and I feel like I've always been like that, though. And. And then also like just brain fog, things like that. Um, hormones. I think it's played a huge factor in my health.
I would say for me, in terms of physical health, I would say that it was probably worse when I was a young adult. That's so crazy. I'm almost 30. Feels so. Old even though I know 30 is not old anyway. Um, whenever I was younger and I lived with Rachel, I was constantly on the go and even though I would sleep and I've never really had issues sleeping. I was constantly exhausted because. I was always on the go and I never gave my body a chance to relax. Um, I couldn't really just sit down and watch a movie or watch some TV. I always had to be doing something just very restless. I'm not that way anymore, you know, that's definitely changed, especially through deal, through doing healing work. But now I definitely have a better concept and a more healthier way of taking care of my body than I did before. Because I recognize when I need to slow down. I recognize when I need to step back. And, you know, if I need to just veg something, you know, having grace on myself to do that.
OK.
How has this impacted your social life?
I think I say awkward things. I'm just like. I don't know. I'm sure there's some memes. I think there are some memes of normal people at a gathering. How are you doing? How's the weather me at a gathering? Tell me about your childhood trauma, you know? Um, so. So I think I say. Very awkward random things. And the people who are meant to be in my life, they're in my life. And the people that I ran off while they weren't meant to be in my life. So there's that.
Yeah, no, I can relate. And I think it depends on where you are and your healing process. With that mean, I don't just go out and say my mom molested me, blah blah blah, you know? But I think, and also my dark humor, I just, I made a joke about my dad dying. No, that's who I am. I say things like that. I'm not for the faint of heart.
I can relate. I don't know if you've ever read the courage to hear one.
I struggle socially because I mean, not with like everyone, but I struggle with certain people that make me feel like that they're not, like being real. And I'm not saying that everybody needs to divulge their personal history to me or anything like that. It's just. Sometimes I'm around people and I just get so uncomfortable because it feels so inauthentic, you know? And it just it doesn't feel real and it doesn't. It just again, it just feels so fake. So I think I sometimes have a hard time being not saying that I'm always. You know, I'm not perfect by any means, but you know, it just sometimes I feel like I'm not even talking to people because they just act like that. They have everything together and you're like, listen. I know that that ain't the truth. I mean, I know everybody has stuff. Um. So I would say that that's probably one thing and then the other is like when people. Kind of say like, oh, I bet you know your mom or dad this, and then it's like, should I even say anything? Like, my dad's dead, you know? And her birth mom, we don't even communicate with her. And here's why. Like. It's kind of a weird. You have to kind of like pick your moments, I guess.
No, I get it. My mom is dad and my dad I don't talk to. So I have opposite parents but same or similar situation.
Um. How has this affected your long-term mental health?
I would say for me it's affected my mental health. Long term, in a very positive way. Um, not only have I done EMDR trauma therapy and I've worked with, I've been working with the, you know, spiritual mentor. But in addition to that, I've been really looking at just some basic concepts that I feel like I struggle with, which is like self esteem. So I ordered myself this self esteem workbook and I've been doing a lot of it by myself and it's dramatically helped me. I recently ordered this small book about intrusive thoughts. Um, like unwanted intrusive thoughts. And that book has really been helping me. And so I've kind of been like getting more tools and like my toolbox. I know that sounds really cliche and. You know, weird to say, but I mean, it's true. Like you kind of. It's just been hoping that I'm willing to like, learn more about myself, not to fix myself, but to help myself. So that way I feel better and I feel like I can live a healthier and happier life.
Yeah.
All right. Um. Aaron, did you want to answer? Yeah. I was trying to think. I'm like, I'm like, I immediately took that to like 80 years old. And I'm like, oh man, I don't know how this is gonna affect me.
I think my mental health. Obviously I lots of anxiety. And I think anxiety was the thing I dealt with the most. It wasn't even depression. I had waves of grief, you know, the stages of grief and everything. But it was more of just constant anxiety, just constant anxiety. And so that made my sleep happen like worse. It made. Everything worse. So I would say, like the anxiety really affected me.
It may be shut down alarm too so. Do you guys remember the grooming process? I was pretty young.
So for Ashley. So I don't, I don't know. I I do have certain memories.
And I know that certain words were said. But I do not have a specific thing. That I can recall besides certain words that were said. And it was the only time of like I was led to believe, I think that that was, that's what affection was.
Yeah, I heard because I I never had that. I never showed that affection to anyone. I don't believe. And no one else showed that affection to me, but. It was only through her because she she was very cold. Throughout. Everything. Yeah, I mean, I truthfully don't remember the actual process, but because like what Aaron just said, I mean, she was so cold. So, I mean, it was so confusing. It's like one minute she wanted something to do with you and it was obviously abuse, and then the next it was, I don't want anything to do with you. I'm going to lock you outside of the house and you need to be gone all day. You don't even have shoes on, you know. So that's what I remember. I don't totally remember the full blown grooming process. It was always about her. Everything was about serving her. Um, quite literally. Even if she was in bed, we had to serve her breakfast. So it wouldn't surprise me if there was an even. A full blown like grooming process if it was maybe like broken up.
How has this impacted your face?
My relationship with God. Has changed drastically in a much healthier and better way. I used to be very constrained in my beliefs and my thinking, and over time I have really developed a very cool and personal relationship. With God, and I've been able, he's been able to show me things and take me places that you can't make up.
For me, I would say it was definitely.
It was just this. Well, God was always like bipolar to me. If you read the the Old Testament, you're like, what the heck are you thinking, dude? You're, you know, like, OK, I guess I have to love you. Because if I don't, you're going to smite me or, you know, things like that. And then even reading the New Testament, you're just like. OK, like Jesus was someone I could always get behind. And so it was more like I like Jesus. I didn't understand him that much, but I did like him. But when all of it came out and the more I got into this. It's very stagnant. Honestly, I'm just questioning the world, questioning why evil people live. Why do good people die? Why do good, good, good people get harmed? Why do? Evil people do the the thing that they do. Why doesn't God intervene? And it wasn't even just like me that I was asking, like, God, why did you allow this to happen? It was working with kids in CPS. These are small children. Why are you allowing anything like that? And then the concept of, well, he's a loving father and I'm like, ********. I'm a loving mother and if someone was hurting my child, I'd take the person out. I'd be behind bars, you
know, and so. That like questioning who God was. There is so much so many times where I would just yell and scream at just be in my car. I'd literally just drive in my car and I'd be screaming and cussing at God. And. I I didn't care. I didn't care. I was like, you can ****** handle this so I know you can. And so it was like anger, just anger upon anger. And then? Through the inner healing. Realizing. Like my eyes and honestly, my heart being opened. To the fact that. He he does. He's a he is loving. And I can't answer all the questions that I have but him showing me that he actually does love me and that he didn't. He had his heart broke. When the people that he created did that to another person that he created. That.
And just honestly. Knowing that God wasn't displeased with me, he wasn't. Because that's something that we grew up the spiritual abuse. God was always angry at us. And.
Just. That realization, so my faith has gotten a lot stronger today. Because of what I've gone through.
Yeah, I went to a church once and. One of the. Things that we would recite was God is not angry with you. God is not mad at you.
And I think that really helped me. The other thing is, is it's OK to yell at God. He can take it. Yeah.
And I think we have to remember that. I mean, especially well hearing about this or working in it or working through our own trauma is, you know, God can handle us yelling at him or being mad at him. Are asking a lot of complicated questions.
So yeah, alright. Was there anything else you guys would like to add? I mean, I thank you so much for having us on and I've listened to quite a bit of your episodes and just I think it's incredible that other people have you're, you're allowing. You're you're giving space and a platform for people to just be honest and share their stories. And I think that that is something that we need more of because it's in our own stories that we can find freedom and listening to other people be vulnerable. Even though it it might hurt and it's painful, it helps a listener. Like there's been a lot. There's been a few things that I've gotten. From listening from your podcast, I remember one guest in particular he he talked about I I believe he has a website and he helps. The spouses. The partners. Of the this survivors, of the childhood survivors and that really just put it into perspective for me. For my husband. And so just hearing other people share their stories is just. Pivotal in a person's healing?
Yeah, I would just like to say that I I hope that. Someone's going through something, and if you're if your trauma scares you, you know, first and foremost get some help. Um. You know. And just know that you don't have to live in shame. You know, that was something that I really struggled with is living in shame of the things that happened to me and feeling like things were my fault and just feeling bad about like my core self and who I was. And you please don't feel that way. You probably you may feel that way, but just know that there is freedom and you can do it. It it just, it's going to be hard, but I promise you can do it.
Yeah, I. I just. I read a book a couple weeks ago about chronic shame and like how much it just destroys people.
OK. Umm, I think that's it. Alright guys. Thanks for listening. As always, follow us on your favorite platform of social media or your favorite podcast platform and if you have any questions, reach out to Rachel on recovery.com. Thanks for listening. no
