Episode Transcript
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Hi, this is Rachel recover.
We've got a special guest with US backs
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Cruncha. She's going to tell us
a little bit about herself and then she's
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going to answer some questions for us. Hi, thank you for having me.
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Yeah, so my name's Bex x
Qun Short, and I've been a
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coach for a really long time now. I actually started out working in the
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fitness industry and this was long before
I started my own healing journey and I
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am a self confessed compulsive exercise or
I had problems of food when I was
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younger, and it was really through
this journey of hating myself and hating my
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own body, if I'm honest,
that I found my way into therapy,
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into going on my own internal journey, and then from that my own profession
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transformed into helping other women who have
been through this same process of dealing with
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sexual abuse, sexual assault, and
really helping men rediscover themselves, their body
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and the love for themselves. And
Yeah, I wish someone had taught me
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a long time ago that it's all
about love really, and that's my message
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now, is that will we can
come back to ourselves and come back to
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love. Life is a very different
place. Okay, let's get to the
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questions. What is it that you
do now? What I do now is
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I help women reclaim their body,
reclaim their sexuality and also reclaim their no
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and that's just this process of healing
trauma right, healing ourselves, I call
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it, from the inside out.
You know. It's that process of learning
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to love and accept and cherish ourselves
that when we take care of that,
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the outside world takes care of itself. Okay, how did you get into
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this? Well, I think I
already touched on this a little bit already,
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but yeah, my own journey started
when I was a teenager. I
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had problems with food back then.
My issue, and I know that this
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is different for everyone, but my
issue was, you know, I didn't
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eat, and that was because I
was going through an extremely traumatic time and
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I didn't have control over anything else
that was happening in my life, and
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so food was one of the few
things that I could control. And so
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I went through my own journey of
struggling with not eating and although on the
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outside I think I started to look
healthier, I never really out with any
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of those issue, those underlying issues
myself. So then that sort of transformed
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into a career in the fitness industry
where I was helping people, sort of.
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But I'm sure you know that when
you haven't done your own stuff right,
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you haven't done your own work,
the scope for which you can help
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people is limited. And again,
through that process it I really became aware
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of just how many of our struggle
with our relationship with food and just how
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ingrained that is with our childhoods,
with the trauma that we've been through.
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And if we're not working on healing
that underlying trauma, then any solution that
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I'm offering, that you know,
the whole fitness the Diet industry is offering,
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is only really surface level stuff.
Right, you got to dig a
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little bit deeper to to truly be
able to help. So That's my journey
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of coaching in one area to coaching
in something else and although I enjoyed all
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of it, what I do now
feels more rewarding, I think, because
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I know that it's touching on the
stuff that that really changes people's lives.
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Maps yeah, no, I mean
there's a huge you know, I don't
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know if you've read the body keeps
the score, but if you haven't,
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I recommend it. It's amazing.
Yes, yes, no, it talks
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about how the bunny keeps track of
all of that. Yeah, exactly.
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And now, you know, I
have clients now who they for example.
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You know they've kept this stuff suppressed
for twenty, thirty, sometimes even forty
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years and then all of a sudden
another book. Actually, the Body Says
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No. Right, getting gabble Matta's
words, at some point their body just
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says no, and there's order,
immune disease or fiber or Myalger or all
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these ways of the body starting to
express like I'm not okay. But sometimes
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it's just in a language that were
perhaps not used to hearing or used to
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tuning into, and then that can
be challenging, right, because then the
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body doesn't respond in the way that
we're used to or the way that we
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know, and so it's then okay. Well, how how do we start
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to learn the language of the body
and how do we actually start to hear
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ourselves speak? Yeah, yeah,
what things have we done to recover from
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being sexually abused? It's funny.
I think I had one of your other
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guests talk about this and she kind
of said, what haven't I tried?
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And I know maybe you have a
perspective on your journey too, but I
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would put myself in the same camp
there and I would say, you know,
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I came my healing journey started even
at the point where I didn't know
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anything about my past, right,
I just knew that I had this ten
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year relationship. We were running a
business together and that relationship was breaking down
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and it was complicated. And so
I was thirty years old. I was
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like, I am not where I
thought I would be in my life right
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now. I need some help.
And that was where it started. And
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it was only ongoing on that path
that all of the you know, the
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old memories and stuffed that started to
resurface and it was like wow, okay,
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there's a lot more to unpack here
than I thought. And so I
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started with talk therapy. I did
about for five years of that got virtually
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nowhere, I mean, you know, like little changes here and there,
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but nothing significant in the way that
I was moving forward with my life.
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So talk therapy was a ear for
me, unfortunately. And then I was
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fortunate I ended up on a path
of somatic work, right, so semantic
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therapy and a few of the other
things along the way. So certainly breathwork
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has been an enormous component for me
in more recent times. There's a specific
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type of breath work that I work
with called by a dynamic breathwork, which
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is specifically for trauma release, which
has been unbelievable. And so what else
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have I tried? Yeah, that's
kind of the the good and the bad,
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right, the talk trapy that didn't
really work and the somatic work and
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the breastwork that have just been incredible. Yeah. Well, I think talk
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therapy in general needs to be paired
with something when you're dealing with trauma,
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whether it's art therapy or emdr neuro
feedback or, you know, something else
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that's going on as well. I
think it's kind of like a general practitioner,
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but just for mental health. Yeah, you absolutely right. As a
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tool on its own, maybe when
it's paid with something else it can be
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helpful, but there are certainly more
effective approaches out there now, I think.
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Yes, so I don't know,
it definitely has a has its usefulness
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and in can just finding the right
therapist. I mean you can go see
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a therapist, but if they're not
trained in trauma or in your type of
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trauma, most of the time you're
wasting your time. Yeah, yeah,
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and I learned that the hard way. So I mean, I understand.
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I mean I've had therapist. I'm
like this person's too green and they're not
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going to be able to help me
and this is waste or they're just not
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I'm talking to them and they're looking
at me like I have three huts.
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That's not going to work for me
either. Maybe. So No, I
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completely understand that. Oh, what
was the catalyst that started you on your
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path to healing it in your recovery? Yeah, it was this breakup of
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this relationship. You know, we
were together for nearly ten years and,
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to be honest, again, when
I started the healing process, I realized
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this was an abusive relationship. But, and I think this happens so often
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with those of us who have been
through abuse or trauma. I hear this
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a lot from clients. It's that
we don't even know what normal is,
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right, what a healthy relationship is, because that pattern of abuse was ingrained
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so early on that that just becomes
normal. So for me I was just
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in this bubble of living in I
mean, it wasn't a physically abusive relationship,
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but it was emotionally abusive and for
nearly ten years I had no idea.
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Yeah, no, that's really,
really common. Yeah, so I
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thought help because this real relationship was
breaking down. But that in itself was
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a really eye opening experience to see
what I've been allowing myself to go through
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for so long. And for other
listeners out there and for backs, one
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book I recommend is why does he
do that? And it's, you know,
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the facts are both the same.
On it's got a lot of useful
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tools for both genders. So that
I found that really helpful for those that
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are in domestic abuse of relationships,
just to look for the signs. Yeah,
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and you know, this is this
isn't me by any stretch saying that
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anyone is okay. You know,
it's okay to abuse another person, but
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you know, having been on my
own journey now, I can understand that
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they are also just traumat by the
traumatize people. They are playing out their
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own trauma in the only way they
know how and I just find that really
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sad. And so my goal now
is to just to get the message out
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there to as many people as I
can write so that more people can not
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go through what I went through and
sit in that situation for five, ten,
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fifteen, twenty years, whatever it
might be, thinking that either they
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don't know any different or they don't
deserve any different, because that's absolutely not
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true. No, I can completely
relate to that. What has been the
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most helpful? I think different things
that different places along the way have been
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really helpful. And it's funny because
all all my years and fitness, nobody
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ever asked me what qualifications do you
have? What pieces of paper do you
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have? But as soon as you
enter the the trauma space it seems that
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the modality becomes really important and what
I try to say to people is that
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different modalities and different things have a
place at different times. You know,
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for example, for me I've done
quite a lot of the MDR, theropy,
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and it's been amazing. But MDR
is really affective. I think when
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you have this talkt of emotional regulation
to build from, I give you take
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someone into a series of Eva emdr
sessions without this ability to regulate their emotions,
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then that can put them in a
very challenging space, in a space
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potentially of retraumatizing, you know,
of not being able to cope with the
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amount of, you know, the
sensations, the emotions that are coming up
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from that. So I think a
big part of it is, like you
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said before, it's being in a
perse with a person where you feel safe,
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and it's that relationship with that person, that connection that you have with
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them, that forms the foundation to
healing and that's the platform on which all
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the other stuff works, because without
that safe connection, without that kind of
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root and that anchor, it doesn't
matter if you're doing talk therapy, CBTMDR,
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like rather there were, whatever the
letters are like. You need that
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route and that safe connection. So
that will be my probably most important thing.
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MDR is great. The breath work
that I do is a very embodied
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practice and that that's what I really
think the essence of healing is. It's
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coming back into your body and feeling
safe in your body, and so for
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me it would be that. But
again, I feel like that's one of
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those practices that you need. You
need a base level of other stuff before
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you can step into that. Yeah, no, I completely understand. I
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mean there's stuff that definitely comes with
time and at different stages in your healing
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process. That, like I did
a MDR and I've done neurofeedback, but
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honestly, until like started that process, I don't think I would have been
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as good. You know I mean, I think the M D are maybe
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prepared me for the neuro feedback,
which was a lot more intense because,
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well, yeah, I don't know
if anybody else has been through narrow feedback.
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That is one of the most emotionally
exhausting things I've ever done. I
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think the only thing that else that's
about that equivalent is when they start doing
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electric shock therapy, which is hold
different ball game entirely, which has gotten
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a lot better, but it still
has a lot of side effects, which
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I only recommend in the extreme case
is and most and most therapists would agree
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on that. So I don't know
much about that. I don't have anything
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to contribute on that one, I'm
afraid. That's okay. So, you
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know, it's I've heard good things, but it's it's very it's more intense
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than neuro feedback, and neuro feedback
because intense enough for me, let's just
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put it that way. Yeah,
what do you wish you would have known
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at starting your healing dream? HM, that it's about coming home. That
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really I'm probably going to get quite
emotional now because I feel really strongly about
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this. You know, for so
long I thought that I was broken and
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that there was something wrong with me, and for a good few years,
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as I started to heal, it
was really about fixing myself. Okay,
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I need to fix myself because I'm
not okay as I am. I'm.
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The further along the journey I've gone, then more I've realized that that's never
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what it was about. It was
about me accepting myself as I am,
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not because of what happened, not
in spite of what happened, just being
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okay with who I am right now
and loving myself and accepting myself. And
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there are times where other people have
been able to do that for me when
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I wasn't able to do that myself. And so now it really is about
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sharing that message of love, that
you are lovable, that all of us
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are are lovable human beings as we
are in this moment right. There's nothing
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that we have to do to to
gain love right. We are lovable,
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we are valuable in our innate being, and that's what it's all about for
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me. And it's about holding that
space now for others to say, you
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know what, like you're you're totally
okay and maybe all of these things that
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happen to you made you believe that
you're not, but I see something in
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you that maybe you don't see in
yourself right now, and that's my goal
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with anyone that I connect with,
on whatever level it might be. No,
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I mean and I feel like that's
an important thing, especially those who
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are struggling, you know, either
with their relationships or like especially to avoid
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being in an abusive relationship. So
knowing that you deserve to be loved and
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in a healthy relationship. So,
yeah, and I can understand. You
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know, it's that was one of
the hardest things for me to on mind
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because it can be so deep rooted. You know, I think we we
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absorbed so much in those especially in
those first seven years of our existence.
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But you know, the the speed
at which our brain is developing an absorbing
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information when we're young is just so
incredible that when other other people's behavior towards
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us can send a really clear message
that we're not lovable or that we're not
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acceptable for who we are, and
it can be really, really hard to
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let go of some of those beliefs. Almost eleven most definitely, but I
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also think that that's the most powerful
thing of all. Okay, when we're
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able to see ourselves for who we
truly are and not for what someone else
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made us believe we were. That's
where the power lies. There's a really
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powerful book. It's called get out
of your head. Thanks by jeans.
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Can remember her lessening. That I
recommend for a book, especially, if
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you know, for those who are
struggling with negative thinking in their head about
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themselves. It's a really powerful book. I really enjoy reading it. How
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did your family respond when you came
out? Well, not very well,
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with the short answer to that.
You know, I think it's difficult and
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I would say that my abuser had
already passed away when this came out for
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me, so that relationship itself was
not something that was ever able or needed
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to be addressed, and my immediate
family would just denial, like they just
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could not fundamentally get their head around
the fact that this could have happened,
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which I understand because I spent most
of my adult life in denial about it
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as well. So I understand that. That again, that defense mechanism that
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was going on for them that put
them into that same space of denial.
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And I was almost a year where
I didn't speak to my mom because she
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just wasn't prepared to acknowledge it.
But then I think that was a really
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important learning for me as well in
terms of being able to set those boundaries
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and say, you know, if
you can't accept my truth, then I
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can't be a part of this relationship. And so that was a really hard
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period of time but actually an important
learning for me in setting boundaries in place.
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And now, I mean we still
have to work at it, but
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our relationship has made huge, huge
amounts of progress. Right she realized that
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that approach wasn't going to work and
it was okay, change or lose my
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daughter, and she chose change,
which is amazing and I'm incredibly appreciative of
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that right now. I know some
people aren't that fortunate and their families and
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never get there, and that's also
possible. I don't know if what your
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experience was there, but you know, I think my where I've got to
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on it now is that as long
as I hold my truth, then I'm
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true to myself, then that's enough. No, I can really know.
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I was a trauma. Bonded with
my father for up until about fourteen months
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ago because he was my abuser and
so, but my mother was a borderline
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so he was also my protector when
she would go into her rages, and
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so it was kind of like pick
your poison, unfortunately. But yeah,
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that's a whole other story. So
how did your community respond? Well,
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so that's been interesting. So my
community, I suppose, has I have
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my friendship group and my family,
and then I have my work environment,
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my family. I've communicated with the
essentials. Right, they will never fully
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understand why I'm or how I'm working
in the space that I do now,
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and that's something that I just accept. The community I'm in have been incredible
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and so supportive, but that's ultimately
because I'm working in a space now that
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is all about people who are in
the same place as me right who want
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to support others on their healing journey. So most of my friends, most
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of my contacts are breathworkers, energy
workers, even a few therapists, you
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know, people who are really committed
to this personal growth, at growth and
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this personal development themselves, and that's
really important to me, you know,
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because I think that's I, like
you said earlier, that's how we have
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healthy relationships, with forming connections with
other people who are not necessarily never triggered
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right or not, to say that
we all get it right all of the
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time, but that we have the
awareness to and the courage to have those
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difficult conversations, and that's a really
big part of it, I think,
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to be able to, like I
said before, to have the courage to
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speak up, to be vulnerable and
to speak our truth, no matter what
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the consequence, because it's easy to
stay in our comfort zone and to play
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it safe, but it's not a
true authentic connection unless we're actually speaking from
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our heart, and I'm really grateful
for that. I have some really great
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people in my life and it hasn't
always been like that. Yeah, no,
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that's that can be a very much
a tuning point for a lot of
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people and I think even for myself. I've been doing all these you know,
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therapies and stuff to work through it, but until I broke my trauma
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bond, I didn't see a lot
of fruit. So I think that really
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slow down my progression and if I
had already broken that trauma Brown a lot
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of the work would have been a
lot more fruitful, I think at the
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time. So I think that's it. Backs, thanks for coming on our
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show. Hope to have you again
on here sometime again, at some point.
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Is there anything else you'd like to
add before we close out? And
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No, just thank you for having
me. And if anyone would like to
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find me, I have a support
group on facebook and I would love for
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you to come and say hello.
So you can find me just at Beck's
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crunchhare on facebook. And Yeah,
it's been beautiful sharing these things that you
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so thank you so much. All
right, guys, this is Rachel and
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recovery. You can follow us on
social media, find us on your favorite
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00:25:33.680 --> 00:25:40.599
pot podcast platform or always find us
on Rachel on recoverycom. Thanks for listening.
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See you next Thursday.
