Episode Transcript
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Hi Guys, this is Rachel and
recover. We've got a special guest today,
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Bob. He's joining us today.
He's going to tell us a little
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bit about himself. Hi, Chore, Thanks For Having Me on the show.
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Yes, my name is Bob and
I am a forty something man who
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has a great job or do finance
and accounting work. I have a nice
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social life and good night life and
I was just interested in coming on the
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story to talk about the background I
have, but kind of related to my
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mother. Rachel, shows great and
I appreciate what you've been doing for people
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to help them have a way to
talk about and hopefully heal. Now my
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experience, basically, is I was
raised by a very good and loving woman,
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my mother, who very tragically,
sad was raised by some very not
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so good people and she unfortunately experienced
a lot of types of abuses, a
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including sexual abuse. So I came
on here today because my mother, who
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passed away twenty years ago, she
you know, she could not talk about
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it. She had a lot of
trouble living her her adult life and I
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wanted I wanted to offer the the
the information or the insight from someone who
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was a bit of an observer and
because I think there's I think there's a
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lot of good and bath it can
come from understanding the perception of a person
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who was trying her best to deal
with it, you know, point of
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view of someone who realized the fight, in the struggle she was going through,
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so that maybe in some way could
help some other people out there today.
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Okay, we're going to get into
some questions and I think you've started
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answer this one, but we're going
to ask it anyways to help you format
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all of your answer. Do you
want to talk about your mother's abuse?
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Well, from a very personal reason, is because my mother, who did
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everything in her power to be a
loving, caring and she was loving caring
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person, got, you know,
got married to my father for twenty nine
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years. She passed away right before
the thirty. But what I saw was
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a person who was very impacted.
She struggled very much with the the pain
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that comes with that type of abuse
and I really do believe that my mother
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probably went through a lot of things
that a lot of other people in her
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shoes did, which was a very
unfair guilt that she felt something that was
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not her fault. But she she
knew, I knew my father knew that
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her decision making, her her behavior, trying to be a mother, trying
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to be a spouse, these things
were impacted by her upbringing and for my
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mother, who was very hard for
her and I'm sure we'll go into more
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and maybe some other questions about it, but she never she never really got
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a chance to, you know,
find closure and as a son, looking
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back and now being, you know, an adult myself, I think I
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understand where she was and what she
was dealing with better and again, my
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hope is that by talking about that
I might be able to offer support to
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anyone who was also in her shoes, that might be struggling of things like,
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you know, the fight to talk
with it, that, the fight
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to go to therapy, the feelings
that she experienced their complicated and I think
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as her son, I might be
all but to offer to other men and
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women and that shoes about why I
would encourage you to get the help in
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the treatment and never feel guilty about
something that was never your fault and to
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have an honest critique, if you
will, about what impact that has on
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a person as a growth they go
through life. So answer that question.
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What was the relationship between your mother
and father. Now, this is always
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something that's very difficult for me to
really admit to, but I think my
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father, he met my mother not
that long out of the Navy bactor in
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the Vietnam air and I think they
liked each other. I think they loved
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each other. My father didn't know
because my mother wasn't, you know,
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understandably, going to talk about that
past like that with a man she had
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met and once half of future.
I think my mother like my dad,
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and there's a there's an old saying
that they even admitted out loud. That's
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my mom liked my dad when he
when she met him, but she kind
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of fell in love with his family
life. His family life was totally different
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from her upbringing. My father offered
a sort of normality, a type of
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family structure where there is love and
support, and her upbringing was the total
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opposite of that. Now, what
happened with my father's years went on,
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he started to understand that she did
suffer these abuses and he did try to
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help her. But what happened,
and I always have a hard time saying
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it like this, but from my
point of view as a young child,
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I was twenty four when my mom
died and she only she only she died
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when she was fifty four. And
what I observed and what I now understand
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better as in a lot of ways
my parents relationship after after a while,
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wasn't really romantic. It wasn't really
a marriage contract of like success and careers
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at some people get into. But
but it wasn't really romantic. After a
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while, I think my father found
himself a bit in a role of a
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caretaker, trying to help his wife, who he loved very much, but
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didn't always know what to do,
because I know from my father, who's
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alive and well today, he he
told me in my adult years that he
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tried to encourage my mother to go
get you know, to get there being
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treatment, but she was so traumatized
that she she couldn't bring herself to want
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to talk to another adult about,
you know, the intensity of it and
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everything she went through. So my
father, I think, did the best
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he can as a loyal husband to
take care of his his wife. But
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in a lot of ways what I
saw was was my father acting more like
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a caretaker because to in a lot
of ways, my mother, psychologically speaking,
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had some some severe damage. And
forgiving for using the work damage.
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But this is one of the reason
why I'm talking about this is is a
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person goes through life and when my
mother was traumatized, she got out of
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the household that that traumatized her when
she was seventeen, and life, with
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all the ups and the downs and
the hardshifts. That just two things we
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naturally go through. If you're not
receiving professional help from from trained medical professionals,
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it's only going to be harder on
you as you get older. And
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that's what happened to my mother.
She she was feeling all of those emotions
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and never could talk and she never
could bring yourself to talk to a professional
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and I think part of that was
the fact that I think, I think
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in sexual abuse survivors, or any
abuse survivor to be to be honest,
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there's this there's this intrinsic thing to
say, why did these people do such
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a horrendous thing to me? Was
Was it because I did something? The
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answer that is no. The people
that that were responsible for you, they
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weren't right in the head. But
what happens to a child is like for
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my mother, these people, they
did some they did some bad, very
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bad things to her and it's a
natural thing for for for for a person
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to say, of course, the
people who raised me must have loved me,
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so if they did something bad to
me, then what did I do?
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And that's that's the that's, I
think, is the horribly vicious cycle
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in which a person starts blaming themselves
when they had nothing to do with it.
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My father attempted to tell my mother
or the years. Look, they
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they were not right and you know
you did nothing wrong. But this is
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where you have to really value people
with medical psychological training, as they are
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much more well trained to understand what
is going in going on there. But
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getting back to the relationship, my
father for the for the most part,
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when my mother's mental and her physical
health suffered from her mental health. So
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my father some time around, I
would imagine, some time around when me
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and my brother and my sister,
I've got two other siblings that are we're
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all about four years with an age, sometimes when we were early in our
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early teen years, I think he
fully realized how just how hurt she was
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and he, my father, is
a very, very devout, loyal man.
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He believed in marriage, he believed
in taking care of someone even when
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they're sick, and I know my
father told me that there was no way
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he could possibly leave my mother or
divorce my mother. He thought that she
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would not do well on her own, and he was probably right. So
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he was committed to doing the best
he could. And my father was overwhelmed.
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He did not know what to do. He didn't have the education or
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the training. And yes, it
is true, having a loved one that
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does everything they can to offer emotional
support is extremely important. It is not
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enough. That's why I always want
to encourage people. You must understand that
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when you're when you're being good,
when you're being abused to some extent,
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your brain is to be being wired, you know, and you have to
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understand that. You have to see
you professional because they know that and they
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have the training to start helping you
to understand what's going on in your own
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head. My father my mother.
My father loved my mother, but their
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relationship was very strained because of the
abuse she suffered and the fact that she
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could not, you know, receive
the proper medical help that she was entitled
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to and should have received, but
unfortunately she just could not do well.
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And there's a lot more resources out
there now than there were twenty years ago
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even so, which hopefully we can
prevent some of this stuff from half repeating
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itself throughout future generations. Did your
mother try to seek hope at any point?
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I it's one of those questions where, based on the responses my dad
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did, it sounds like my dad
tried to get her to go get treatment,
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but she would not do it and, like I said, I think
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the reasons why she would not do
it is somewhat I think, because of
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maybe the cultural the upbringing, the
type of generation that my you know,
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my parents were early baby boomers,
you know, boarn and run after the
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war, and I it's one of
those topics where I don't know if I'm
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really qualified to know exactly what her
thinking was on it, but I think
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we other reasons why a lot of
people, especially in my parents generation,
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was there was this unfair thought where
it was like, you know, if
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I if I talked about mental you
know things, I'm suffering from that or
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you know psychologically, there's a perception
of weakness and they're afraid of appearing weak
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and they'd rather not talk about it, and I think that that type of
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very briefly, to put this in
there. I as I did a few
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years in the military. It kind
of reminds me of like back in the
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day, where they were afraid of
being viewed as weak because they were.
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They were suffering mentally and it I
think it's part of culture that, just
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like our intelligence and our emotional intelligence
and our understanding of what human beings are
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and how we how we react.
Luckily, in this day and age we
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know that you have to be extremely
strong to confront those things and it never
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helps when you have culture or our
history where people are getting false information about
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it being perceived as weakness. But
yeah, I think that's the problem.
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Is My mother. I think my
father tried to encourage her, but I
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think my mother was, you know, she felt she was experiencing unfair shame
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and guilt. That was probably a
combination of her feeling like she didn't want
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to be a burden to anyone or
that she didn't want to appear weak to
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anybody. And and I'm sure if
anyone who ever studies history, American history,
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knows that we have never treated people
with whether be mental illness or abuse.
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We've never treated people of sexual because
we've never treated people fairly or as
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compassionately is hopefully now we will all
was her mother's social life, like it
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was very limited to immediate family or
her daytoday, was being a mother,
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her friends. She had a few
friends when my mother you know, she
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was originally from New York, raised
in Yonkers, New York. It's a
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very, you know, very interesting
neighborhood from what I understand, and when
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she got out of the house at
a younger age, at seventeen, she
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was on her own for about five
six years before she met my dad,
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who was in the navy at the
time. And from my understood, my
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mother was she was very strong will
she she didn't have an education, unfortunately,
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didn't have a college education. So
she did what any hard work of
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person did. She work five jobs. I mean she at one point she
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worked as a fashion model, she
worked as an assistant at a newspaper.
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She I mean for my good for
what I could gather, for the early,
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early part of her S, my
mother was just work and work and
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work. And of course she did
have to have a social life. She
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had a few close friends that she
knew as a young adult. But sometime
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in our late S, when she
married my dad, they moved out to
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St Louis, where I'm, where
I where they were. We were raised,
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and I hate to say like this, but she never was able to
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continue to make friends. She I
think it was because I think as we
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get older, maybe our type of
friendship clicks change a bit. You know,
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you go from the people you do
in high school to the people you
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know is a young adult, be
in college or if you were in the
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military, and then there comes like
that, you know, that friendship that's
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around. I have a family,
you have a family, so now you're
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having a dinner. You know the
dinner dates and whatnot. But when you
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get to that point in your life, I suspect that you have to be
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able to talk about your family and
if you talk about your family, you
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talk about yourself, and my mother's
not going to my mother wasn't going to
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be talking about her upbringing and what
was like. So I think that I
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think it was hard for her to
form friends as you went on in life
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because the type of friendship shifted a
bit. About what you talk about.
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But unfortunately I have to say that
outside of what I mean immediate family,
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of course, my dad had a
has a great family. So and I
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don't know if this come off from, but if anyone who knows that,
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if you have in laws, your
friends with your inlaws, but you might
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not have been friends with those people
if they weren't actually here in laws in
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the first play. So my mother
was friends with a lot of people who
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were my dad's first, you know, relatives of first cousins, and they
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were always very accepting in my mother. But unfortunately, outside of her her
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children and and the immediate family,
the first cousins, I. She really
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did not have a whole lot of
close friends as an adult. We was
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her health like her health was very, very bad. To this day I
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don't I don't know how much of
the physical health she had was was a
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correlation effect or direct effect between you
know, and I don't want this,
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I don't want to about to say
here to come off from, but I
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want to be very honest. I
think that if you're at a survivor of
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abuse and you're not receiving proper medical
attention for treatment, it's going to affect
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your brain, your chemistry, what
goes on. So my mother definitely suffered
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abuse at these people never see proper
treatment and I think it was it was
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causing a lot of mental illness for
and her health suffered from it. If
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there are eating disorders that are tied
to emotional damage, my mother suffered from
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that. If there is psychological,
you know, damage that that that affects
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your stress level and how that influences
your health, she suffered from that.
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Now, to give you a more
direct answer, my mother, you know,
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by her early s her health was
a really bad shape. She hurt
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her. It's hard to it's one
of these things I hate talking about,
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but there were times when my mother
was so physically in pain that she would
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cry. And what she did was
she would do all the house work.
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My mom was, for the most
part when we were young, to stay
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at home mom, which, of
course, is three jobs for everyone who
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doesn't have their head up there.
But you know, that's a that's a
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hell of a thing to do,
and my mother worked hard. She would
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wake up at five in the morning, pack that the lunch. She would
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scrub. The House was immaculate.
The House was clean. She would once
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a week would go into the the
frigerator, wipe off and organize all the
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jars. She had a certain amount
of an obsessive cleanliness where she wanted to
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make sure that everything was clean and
and you know, I think it was
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because she was fine, trying to
find a way to value to what she
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was doing as as a mother and
his person, was a home taker.
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But as time went on, her
physical health was getting worse and worse.
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And what would happen a lot of
times is she would have such severe psychological
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problems that when we were around,
you know, she would pretend that everything's
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all right, but once we were
outside and she did realize you would come
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back inside, sometimes she would go
up to the bedroom and you could hear
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it cry. I it was very
hard and I noticed that happened here and
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there and and I mean it was
the sort of thing where it was like
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it had it been some sort of
a I don't mean that this is a
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medical diagnosis, but a severe depression
that would cause crying bouts. She would
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try to do that when nobody was
looking. Or doesn't she did think it
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one was around to see it that
happened, but that she got so hammered
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that she would go and sometimes cry. And it's hard because I do believe
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that our psyche, our mental affects
our body right and my mother's physical health
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was definitely affected by our mental health
and and just to put it you know,
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put it as Straightforwar as I could
hurt. Her Health as an adult,
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in her sw word, was poor. She died of a heart attack
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when she was fifty four. She
was morbidly obese, and you know it's
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not easy to get older. I
mean I'm a forty something. I go
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to the gym every day. You
got to understand the path of if you
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want to be height weight proportionate,
then your bottles will start to slow down.
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Then you have to realize it.
For Guy like me, you know,
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I can't eat more in twenty two
hundred calories and I got hit the
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gym, but not my knees hurt. I can't run. You know,
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when she made her s or whatnot, her health was kind of snowballing and
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she wasn't she wasn't the physically working
out and her diet wasn't what it should
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have been. And when you're feeling
like you know, I think my mother
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felt like you know, you know
the world because of the people who were
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supposed to love her, because they
didn't do it in a good way.
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You put all that together and just
causes mental and physical illness and my mother
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unfortunately suffered very heavily poor health and
as an adult. I would recommend for
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you to read the body keeps a
score and the deepest well. Those are
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two books I think you would find
very interesting insight on the connection between childhood
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trauma and Physical Health and mental health
and how they all are connected, and
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I'll send you the link after the
show. What kind of behaviors were unusual
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about her? Okay, so the
the you know, some of these are
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based on what I think I already
realized when I was a child, but
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some of its kind of reflection back
now as an adult. My mother was
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my mother was paranoid. There were
times when, I mean every child at
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at one point breaks Dad Stereo or
breaks MOMS Voss. But there were times
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when it was like, if something
was out of place, there was an
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assumption that you were in her stuff
when you when you weren't. I mean
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as a twelve year old boy,
I really wasn't interesting going through my mom
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in the wardrobe. I there was
always an assumption that you were you were
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doing something and it was it was
beyond what I think was typical probably for
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most parents. Another another type of
thing that was unusual but my mother's behavior
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was it was like the OCD stuff. I you know, I don't really
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know what causes something like that to
arise exactly, but I think it was
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part of the when you're suffering as
an adult, to give credit to yourself
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for the hard work you do.
I think it comes to the point where
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it's like well, my job is
to make sure this place is IMMACLA.
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I'm going to clean. I'm a
clean of the clean, of the clean,
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on the clean. I don't know
if it's always just because, you
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know, it's anything that is you
know how it seems like a mop culture.
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We seem to have this belief of
every every behavior that someone has more
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than once it gets labeled as obsessive
or compulsive. And but in my mother's
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case there were something should that she
just could relax constantly cleaning stuff and and
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and I another thing that I noticed
as an adult looking back on especially when
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I had some conversations with my dad, was there was is always seemed to
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be with with my mother, kind
of kind of assuming that my dad wasn't
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always sharing information with her about about
you know, I don't know, maybe
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maybe this is common, I don't
know, but at the dinner table and
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you know, I had that experience
where we would try to have dinner at
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a dinner table where you sit down
and use the fork on this and the
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solid fork on the right and no
television. They got a little bit older,
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especially with my brother and sister went
off to college. You know,
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now we're a little more TV dinner, but definitely my earlier years that we
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sat down at a table and my
father, I think, was like most,
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most most men, you know,
he was like he wouldn't mind sharing
301
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what he did the office, but
his child was boring. He worked with
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the phone company. He didn't want
to talk about his day at work because
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he didn't have anything to talk about. Right. But my mother was like
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tall talk, why aren't? You
don't? Why won't you talk to me
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about what was that work? It's
like you like is like I work for
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the phone company. We make sure
phones get turned on and off. Kind
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of same thing. It's school,
it's like, you know. I mean
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yes, all the surface you'd say, of course a parent wants to know
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what what what you're day at school
was like. But aside from playing in
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the band and playing a little bit
of baseball and going through the normal k
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through twelve, there comes a point
where you look at them and go the
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reason why I don't have anything to
say to you is I had a boring
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day at school. Nothing weird happened. I just, you know, the
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bell went off. But there was
always this kind of weird thing where she
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would look at you like you're not
sharing, you're not sharing, you're refusing
316
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to talk, and I think maybe
that might have been one of those things
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where, because she had a trouble
talking about her her personal stuff, maybe
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she was putting that on other people
and that's the sort of thing to honestly
319
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think it could could probably can strain
a married couple where one spouse is like
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just assuming something is wrong and the
other spouse is just thinking. I just
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don't have anything to say. My
father's a good man, but in you
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know, I don't want to I
don't want to put men and one box,
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but you know there's old comedy jokes
that go with a blue collar comedy
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tour that you know, that the
joke that they have where the wife wants
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to know all the all the stuff
that happened in the husband's like what happens?
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Like I don't know. You know
you know, sometimes as men,
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are very to the point and we
don't really like the gossip. You know,
328
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my father was very much like that. He doesn't like to gossip.
329
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He doesn't like to talk about anybody's
other's personal life. So what my mom
330
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was like? What was your day
at work like? Why? What would
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you talk to me about work?
And he's like, I'm telling you the
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truth. Nothing happened that. That
was a weird thing because that, you
333
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know, I think. I think. I think it drove him a little
334
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bit up a wall at times,
you know. And then, you know,
335
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I don't know how much of the
stuff I fought thought was kind of
336
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weird was just normal married people versus
maybe an abnormal marriage situation. But I
337
00:26:21.170 --> 00:26:22.450
would say the biggest things I noticed
that would different my mom when she was
338
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always well with paranoid. She definitely
had something that was, if not it
339
00:26:27.210 --> 00:26:32.250
was OCD like. And there was, and I guess I wanted getting us.
340
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I think there was a bit of
a mistrust, you know, even
341
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if even it was a lesser amount, it was still fit of a mistrust.
342
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What did you make of her as
a parent or with her parenting?
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So the duality of my mother's a
parent. There were times when she could
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be charming, she could be the
coolest person in the room. One of
345
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the things I liked about my mother
was she was not a racist, she
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was not a sexist, she did
not give a f about you know,
347
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the stuff that a person has that
mindset would stress on. If you were
348
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fair and honorable to her, she
was fair and honorable to you. She
349
00:27:18.210 --> 00:27:22.369
never really talked much about cultural things, like obviously she drew up in the
350
00:27:22.529 --> 00:27:26.289
s with civil rights issues and stuff, but my mother would be someone who
351
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would say, look, you know, we can't deny that. You know
352
00:27:30.480 --> 00:27:34.480
there are differences with people because of
their life experiences. By my mother would
353
00:27:34.480 --> 00:27:38.519
be the first person to say you
should always get to know the individual and
354
00:27:38.640 --> 00:27:41.839
treat them based on who they are, not what you are. Yeah,
355
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that my mother was poor like that
and when she was a friend, like
356
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I said, she didn't have that
many friends, but she was very loyal.
357
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She really was a very loyal person. Now that of course, makes
358
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her some very great qualities. I
think is a parent now because of a
359
00:27:56.869 --> 00:28:02.940
lot of the abuses she had.
I think she was fighting herself. I
360
00:28:03.299 --> 00:28:07.019
think I think what something it's kind
of hard probably for people who are abused,
361
00:28:07.059 --> 00:28:11.819
especially, you know, severely,
severely abused. And if if you
362
00:28:11.859 --> 00:28:15.609
want clarification when I mean by all
that, I'll be more happy to offer
363
00:28:15.690 --> 00:28:18.049
that. But generally speaking, I
think you know, not, not not
364
00:28:18.170 --> 00:28:22.250
for this to come off wrong,
but you know, if once in twenty
365
00:28:22.329 --> 00:28:26.009
years somebody lost it, your parent
lost it, smacked you one day,
366
00:28:26.640 --> 00:28:30.400
yeah, that's not supposed to happen. A lot of studies show that you
367
00:28:30.400 --> 00:28:33.480
should never use, you know,
you probably should use corporal punishment, but
368
00:28:33.720 --> 00:28:36.839
if everyone's in a blue moon,
someone lost in smack the kid. That
369
00:28:37.039 --> 00:28:38.839
is not the experience she had grown
up. She had people that physically,
370
00:28:38.880 --> 00:28:44.430
psychologically sexually abused her every day of
her life until she was seventeen, and
371
00:28:44.509 --> 00:28:48.789
it was it was all. It
was a very bad spot. So I
372
00:28:48.869 --> 00:28:52.029
think what happened my mother is the
sub extent. Let's be honest here.
373
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We tend to gravitate towards emulating the
behaviors the people who raised us. So
374
00:29:00.619 --> 00:29:04.019
my mother, my mother, was
always constantly realizing that. Okay, when
375
00:29:04.059 --> 00:29:10.490
it came to time to discipline,
she on one level. When it was
376
00:29:10.529 --> 00:29:12.170
time to discipline because we did something
wrong, she was usually to ask him,
377
00:29:12.210 --> 00:29:15.049
my dad to take care of it, because my mom was always afraid
378
00:29:15.049 --> 00:29:19.170
she was going to snap and the
Beyonnestia, there were a few times when
379
00:29:19.210 --> 00:29:23.680
she snapped, like there was one
time when when I didn't clean something the
380
00:29:23.720 --> 00:29:26.720
right way. And it is only
happened a few times in my in my
381
00:29:26.759 --> 00:29:30.720
childhood, and I want to make
sure if people understand, it really only
382
00:29:30.759 --> 00:29:33.240
happened a few times. One Time
my mother snapped. I must have been
383
00:29:33.240 --> 00:29:37.559
around thirteen or fourteen. Yes,
I was a bigger kid, but I
384
00:29:37.640 --> 00:29:41.029
was still just a thirteen fourteen year
old. My mother snapped. I think
385
00:29:41.109 --> 00:29:45.589
she saw red and she just started
punching me in the back right and you
386
00:29:45.710 --> 00:29:52.859
know it's as soon as it happened, I think she left and went out
387
00:29:52.940 --> 00:29:59.140
and started crying because she did it
and she would apologize after something that like
388
00:29:59.220 --> 00:30:04.339
that would that happened. It is
so easy, I think, for people
389
00:30:04.339 --> 00:30:12.809
who've been traumatized programmed a bit,
to to to, you know, emulated.
390
00:30:14.250 --> 00:30:17.049
That's why, well, I don't
believe it's ever are right to say,
391
00:30:17.210 --> 00:30:18.890
well, okay, these people did
this to me, I want to
392
00:30:18.890 --> 00:30:21.559
do it to you. No,
course that's not right. I do understand
393
00:30:21.599 --> 00:30:26.480
that to some extent we get wired
a bit, you know, and the
394
00:30:26.559 --> 00:30:30.079
physical stuff only happened a few times, but some things that something that's a
395
00:30:30.160 --> 00:30:33.039
that's an example of something unfortunate did
happen a lot. Was My mother could
396
00:30:33.039 --> 00:30:38.509
emotionally put you down a lot.
My my father came from the type of
397
00:30:38.549 --> 00:30:44.309
family where there's lawyers, there's doctors
and there's guys working in aerospace and,
398
00:30:44.869 --> 00:30:47.509
you know, they really were taught
with that philosophy. If you just work
399
00:30:47.549 --> 00:30:48.710
hard enough, if you want to
be president, you can. You just
400
00:30:48.829 --> 00:30:52.700
got to work your butt off.
You just can't be lazy to have to
401
00:30:52.740 --> 00:30:55.579
do the work. My Mother did
come from that background. You know.
402
00:30:55.700 --> 00:30:57.700
My mother came from the type of
people that were, you know, telling
403
00:30:57.740 --> 00:31:02.059
you that you were lower than low
and you should know your place. One
404
00:31:02.099 --> 00:31:04.089
of the few things I remember my
mom telling me was my mom, you
405
00:31:04.170 --> 00:31:10.569
know, told the man whose house
she was in the terminologies. Is something
406
00:31:10.690 --> 00:31:14.849
I choose to use because she wasn't
raised by these people. It's a backstory
407
00:31:14.930 --> 00:31:18.279
that's pretty bad, but like what
my mother was like fourteen or fifteen.
408
00:31:18.319 --> 00:31:22.839
She's looking at the I you know, she wants to have a better life,
409
00:31:22.839 --> 00:31:26.799
so she tells the man whose house
she was in that I think I
410
00:31:26.880 --> 00:31:29.559
want to join the military so I
can maybe, you know, go and
411
00:31:30.599 --> 00:31:33.950
see the world and of course she
might get think and she can get an
412
00:31:33.950 --> 00:31:37.990
education. Maybe the GI built stuff
like that. At this man apparently said
413
00:31:37.029 --> 00:31:41.069
to hers like you're a woman,
women don't go in the military. You
414
00:31:41.109 --> 00:31:48.220
should know your role, you know, and unfortunately that type of a mentality
415
00:31:48.380 --> 00:31:52.460
is my mom was struggling not to
snap, you know, when she would
416
00:31:52.460 --> 00:31:55.500
see red, but she was a
little less mindful of the fact that,
417
00:31:56.579 --> 00:31:59.460
you know, you have two very
mindful, I think, when you're when
418
00:31:59.460 --> 00:32:04.450
you're with family and loved ones or
anyone that matter, to realize that you
419
00:32:04.569 --> 00:32:08.009
can create. You create a lot
of harm for a person if you're constantly
420
00:32:08.089 --> 00:32:12.730
putting them down and and and,
because I think to some extent, especially
421
00:32:12.730 --> 00:32:16.079
when when people are younger, is
you have to you have to encourage people
422
00:32:16.240 --> 00:32:22.839
to to seek discipline, to seek
education, but you have to convince people
423
00:32:22.880 --> 00:32:25.079
that as long as you're willing to
do the work and work for it,
424
00:32:25.720 --> 00:32:30.190
you can do it. But if
you're, if you've been programming a young
425
00:32:30.269 --> 00:32:36.470
age, that you fall into class
or groups or sub sub subhuman, you
426
00:32:36.549 --> 00:32:38.750
know, demographics or whatever you want
to call it. That was the thing
427
00:32:38.789 --> 00:32:42.190
that was hard for my mom and
she didn't even realize he was putting people
428
00:32:42.230 --> 00:32:45.339
down a lot. She she be
like, here's an example. So if
429
00:32:45.380 --> 00:32:47.819
you want to understand what right,
I think I was spelling test when I
430
00:32:47.819 --> 00:32:51.380
was in this fourth grade. Right, I couldn't spell the save of my
431
00:32:51.420 --> 00:32:54.019
life, but rather and say,
okay, Bob or Bob. Yeah,
432
00:32:54.059 --> 00:32:58.259
my mom called me a Bob.
Right. Okay, Rob, you made
433
00:32:58.299 --> 00:33:01.170
a mistake on this. Why don't
you write the word ten times and then
434
00:33:01.250 --> 00:33:05.049
corrected? Now my mother was like
that. My mother would look at this,
435
00:33:05.450 --> 00:33:09.170
the spelling test and goes, well, obviously you're not you're not very
436
00:33:09.289 --> 00:33:12.730
smart with this, so you're not
going to do very well with that.
437
00:33:12.960 --> 00:33:16.559
You know it. It's kind of
hard for me to put it to a
438
00:33:16.640 --> 00:33:22.839
perfect scenario, but it was just
very easy from my mother to put people
439
00:33:22.079 --> 00:33:24.519
down and I don't even think she
was doing it a lot. And the
440
00:33:24.559 --> 00:33:28.750
unfortunately, as a parent, I
think that's a very harmful thing, because
441
00:33:29.750 --> 00:33:34.390
you don't want to blow smoke like
I personally, I can't stand any generation
442
00:33:34.549 --> 00:33:38.150
which says you should just get a
trophy because you participated. Know you you
443
00:33:38.190 --> 00:33:42.259
should get to trophy because you worked
hard. But you know, you got
444
00:33:42.380 --> 00:33:45.099
to understand that to achieve things in
life you got to put the work in.
445
00:33:45.299 --> 00:33:47.900
You know, if you want to
go to Mars one day, then
446
00:33:47.940 --> 00:33:52.059
you got to do the math and
you got to do the science and and
447
00:33:52.420 --> 00:33:54.460
and if your math teacher says you're
not working hard enough, you need to
448
00:33:54.500 --> 00:33:58.650
do the math, your response as
a parent should be, you're right,
449
00:33:58.769 --> 00:34:01.089
my child needs to put in the
effort. I will sit down and help
450
00:34:01.170 --> 00:34:04.970
them, I will encourage them,
I will tell them the truth, which
451
00:34:04.970 --> 00:34:07.009
is, if you want to if
you want to go far in the world,
452
00:34:07.609 --> 00:34:09.440
it's going to fall on your shoulder
right. But the one thing apparent
453
00:34:09.480 --> 00:34:14.599
should never ever do is just assume
okay, they're dumb or they don't have
454
00:34:14.679 --> 00:34:16.159
what it takes. And the reason
why that happens, like for my mom,
455
00:34:16.320 --> 00:34:22.800
was people raiser put her down constantly. So that happened a lot and
456
00:34:24.389 --> 00:34:30.150
so that that was something I know
is my mother's a parent, I was
457
00:34:30.269 --> 00:34:31.710
mindful of that. At any young
age I realized she was doing that.
458
00:34:31.829 --> 00:34:37.309
I also realized that a relatively young
age that she was doing that because someone
459
00:34:37.389 --> 00:34:39.260
did that to her. I've been
very lucky in my entire life. I
460
00:34:39.460 --> 00:34:45.780
was. I was very analytical and
observant of my mother my father and understood
461
00:34:45.059 --> 00:34:49.539
things going on even at an early
age. But you know what you know
462
00:34:49.579 --> 00:34:53.010
when you talk about the different types
of abuses that repeat. I think that's
463
00:34:53.090 --> 00:34:58.010
why is that we tend to get
programmed and they late. Feels compable,
464
00:34:58.130 --> 00:35:01.530
feels normal, and that's why it's
hard to break behaviors that you may not
465
00:35:01.650 --> 00:35:06.650
even know are not a good idea. It goes as the old saying.
466
00:35:06.650 --> 00:35:15.119
Hurt people, hurt people. Yes, it's an unfortunately true did you see
467
00:35:15.159 --> 00:35:22.869
her pain manifest and manifest and with
her suffering? Yeah, I mean I
468
00:35:22.949 --> 00:35:30.510
think I said earlier that she had
crying bouts that she try to hide and
469
00:35:31.469 --> 00:35:35.269
in a way I think you think
when I say, you know she had
470
00:35:35.309 --> 00:35:38.099
these moments where she would put people
down. I I don't want to talk
471
00:35:38.139 --> 00:35:42.059
about my brother and sister because,
one, they don't know. I'm new
472
00:35:42.099 --> 00:35:45.340
with this and I have an answer
permission to talk about it, and you
473
00:35:45.420 --> 00:35:46.619
know, of course, I think
that you should have people's permission to give
474
00:35:46.619 --> 00:35:51.130
any real details. But I will
say this much is that you know,
475
00:35:51.889 --> 00:35:53.889
it impacted me a little bit of
impact to my brother and sister a little
476
00:35:53.889 --> 00:35:59.250
bit and who they became. And
I think one of the one of the
477
00:35:59.329 --> 00:36:04.639
things that manifest is when you've had
a hard upbringing and you never receive proper
478
00:36:04.760 --> 00:36:08.159
help and you never receive the treatment
that you should receive, that you rightfully
479
00:36:08.280 --> 00:36:13.159
deserve. If you don't really if
you don't receive that type of treatment,
480
00:36:14.360 --> 00:36:16.159
you know it is going to impact
the people you love, it's going to
481
00:36:16.199 --> 00:36:20.829
impact the children you're raising, it's
going to impact the person you marry,
482
00:36:21.429 --> 00:36:24.269
it's going to impact any frames you
have. And the thing that's unfortunate is
483
00:36:24.309 --> 00:36:28.670
if you're not willing to talk about
it, let alone with a professional.
484
00:36:29.349 --> 00:36:31.789
You know, how can you explain
that to somebody who's not going to totally
485
00:36:31.789 --> 00:36:35.860
understand? You know, I would
have first or second cousin as that would
486
00:36:36.019 --> 00:36:39.860
would see a little glimpse of my
mother acting strangely and unfairly for her.
487
00:36:40.019 --> 00:36:45.139
They would they would have no real
understanding of what what, what's caused that
488
00:36:45.260 --> 00:36:51.449
or why she's having those problems.
Because let alone if a family does it,
489
00:36:51.530 --> 00:36:55.809
let alone if the person who suffered
from it is trying to hide from
490
00:36:55.889 --> 00:36:59.329
it. And I had say like
that, it's some extent that's kind of
491
00:36:59.409 --> 00:37:01.480
kind of how I feel like it. When my mother was not receiving treatment,
492
00:37:04.559 --> 00:37:07.960
you know it's it's going to impact
it and I know how. I
493
00:37:08.519 --> 00:37:10.960
don't I don't think what I'm about
to say here selfish. I think it's
494
00:37:10.960 --> 00:37:15.829
just a I think it's just realistic. If you, you know, have
495
00:37:15.989 --> 00:37:22.550
suffered abuse and you're going to be
a parent, you got to get treatment,
496
00:37:22.630 --> 00:37:24.349
not only for yourself but for the
people you might raise, because that's
497
00:37:24.349 --> 00:37:29.550
all going to it's going to weigh
on everyone in your life. And again,
498
00:37:29.710 --> 00:37:32.260
I don't want that to come out
wrong, but I'm just trying to
499
00:37:32.300 --> 00:37:37.579
give a reality. Or I wasn't. I wasn't raised by a woman who
500
00:37:37.699 --> 00:37:42.420
was abused, sexually abused, who, restreet, was receiving treatment. I
501
00:37:42.579 --> 00:37:45.929
was raised by a woman who was
sexually abused, who could not, could
502
00:37:45.969 --> 00:37:49.489
not handle going to get help.
And I'm telling you that I can only
503
00:37:49.530 --> 00:37:53.730
assume that maybe life and her parenting
and her decisionmaking in the way she handled
504
00:37:53.769 --> 00:37:58.880
self would have been influenced had she
received it. So I mean, if
505
00:37:58.920 --> 00:38:02.719
you're if you want to be a
great parent, you know you have to
506
00:38:02.800 --> 00:38:07.719
admit that you're going to. This
up is going to impact you as a
507
00:38:07.800 --> 00:38:10.039
parent. So I I'm saying,
I'm speaking not just as someone who loved
508
00:38:10.119 --> 00:38:14.550
my mother, but also someone who
is concerned about anyone listening to this,
509
00:38:14.789 --> 00:38:17.829
that you should also receive treatment,
not just because you deserve treatment, but
510
00:38:17.869 --> 00:38:22.429
because the people in your life,
they also deserve for you to get treatment.
511
00:38:22.469 --> 00:38:24.389
All right, and I don't know
any else way of saying that.
512
00:38:24.510 --> 00:38:28.380
It's it's going to help you,
but it's also going to help the people
513
00:38:28.420 --> 00:38:30.179
you love about, and there's no
doubt that you know you love them,
514
00:38:30.659 --> 00:38:36.619
but you know, love is many
variations of any degrees, many, many
515
00:38:36.739 --> 00:38:39.579
realities, and one of the realities
of when he loves someone is is sometimes
516
00:38:39.820 --> 00:38:45.050
you have to do something that's going
to hurt you to help them, you
517
00:38:45.170 --> 00:38:47.050
know, and I think that's one
of those things I wish my mother could
518
00:38:47.090 --> 00:38:50.809
have done. I wish she could
have got help because for the in for
519
00:38:50.889 --> 00:38:53.610
the influences it had on her,
on her husband and her children, I
520
00:38:53.690 --> 00:38:57.480
think it would have helped us a
little bit if she would have received more
521
00:38:57.519 --> 00:39:02.800
help. Did you ever have any
contact with her abusers and who were they?
522
00:39:06.960 --> 00:39:10.030
No, my mother did not want
us to ever make contact with the
523
00:39:10.110 --> 00:39:15.829
people who brought her up. Now
let me just tell you what I know.
524
00:39:15.150 --> 00:39:22.230
All right, my mother's biological mother, apparently she learned this later in
525
00:39:22.309 --> 00:39:24.219
life when she, my mother,
was trying to figure out what exactly happened
526
00:39:24.260 --> 00:39:30.380
to bring her into such a bad
situation. My Biological Grandmother, my mother's
527
00:39:30.460 --> 00:39:35.980
mother, apparently, when she was
very young, at eighteen, she married
528
00:39:36.059 --> 00:39:38.809
somebody in the State of New Jersey
and then at the age of nineteen she
529
00:39:38.969 --> 00:39:43.250
married somebody in the state of New
York and never divorced the Guy in New
530
00:39:43.250 --> 00:39:52.170
Jersey and my mother my at this
point, my mother and also her brother
531
00:39:52.329 --> 00:39:54.559
that was only about a year younger, had just was on the way.
532
00:39:55.000 --> 00:39:58.599
So this guy basically was like,
you know, threw her out, through
533
00:39:58.639 --> 00:40:00.519
her out of the house, through
a nineteen year old girl out of the
534
00:40:00.599 --> 00:40:04.920
house, and said, you know, you're a bad woman, right,
535
00:40:05.239 --> 00:40:08.670
and he also didn't want to raise
the two children, whether they were his
536
00:40:08.750 --> 00:40:13.230
biological children not, he didn't want
to do well, what happens is this
537
00:40:13.510 --> 00:40:21.349
woman knew the biological husband and was
always envious, apparently because she was in
538
00:40:21.429 --> 00:40:27.460
love with this guy. And this
is this is really horrendous, but it's
539
00:40:27.579 --> 00:40:32.780
true. She she offered to adopt
or to take in my mother and her
540
00:40:32.940 --> 00:40:37.289
brother like and this my uncle.
I never met him because he died in
541
00:40:37.369 --> 00:40:40.449
the s he got. He got
cancered and died before I came along.
542
00:40:40.530 --> 00:40:46.969
And unfortunate because my mother always spoke
so very heartwarmingly about her brother. He
543
00:40:47.809 --> 00:40:52.960
had her back when she was a
young person and I would imagine that he
544
00:40:52.000 --> 00:40:58.760
also experienced abuses from from these people. But you know, what happened was
545
00:41:00.239 --> 00:41:04.159
this is a very messed up situation. I think it's an important to understand
546
00:41:04.989 --> 00:41:08.630
by my painting this picture. Hopefully
will you will let people know that,
547
00:41:08.750 --> 00:41:12.989
yeah, you're not alone, you're
you, you did nothing wrong. My
548
00:41:13.190 --> 00:41:17.469
mother and her brother were adopted by
this woman who was in love with the
549
00:41:17.550 --> 00:41:25.380
biological grandfather but didn't like the biological
mother and basically told the mother that Hey,
550
00:41:25.420 --> 00:41:30.420
I'll take your two kids in.
But the best way to took to
551
00:41:30.500 --> 00:41:36.570
explain what was going on was she
did it out of spite. She was
552
00:41:37.170 --> 00:41:43.050
upset that this man never was interested
in her and almost like saying, I'm
553
00:41:43.050 --> 00:41:45.050
going to get back at you,
I'm going to take these two people in.
554
00:41:45.730 --> 00:41:47.159
And Yeah, I can understand where
some of the listeners go ahead and
555
00:41:47.159 --> 00:41:50.559
are you sure that? Yeah,
based on everything my mother could come to
556
00:41:50.599 --> 00:41:55.920
understand right now, these people,
the woman that was this guy's husband,
557
00:41:57.119 --> 00:42:02.309
she was a she was an alcoholic, physically abusive. I think, I
558
00:42:02.389 --> 00:42:06.590
think a good, a good way
of understanding what happens when people are young.
559
00:42:06.710 --> 00:42:08.110
My mother. I remember even telling
this to my mother. Said,
560
00:42:08.110 --> 00:42:12.789
mom, I'm sorry I have to
tell you this, but you were experiencing
561
00:42:12.789 --> 00:42:15.739
abuse from a day they brought you
and she used to tell story like well,
562
00:42:15.780 --> 00:42:17.179
when I got a little bit older, they seem to be really warm
563
00:42:17.260 --> 00:42:20.420
to me when I was an infant, but when I got to six or
564
00:42:20.420 --> 00:42:22.699
seven, suddenly they did. They
got worse and worse than worse. Like
565
00:42:22.739 --> 00:42:24.780
no, mom, you were just
young, you didn't realize it right,
566
00:42:27.019 --> 00:42:35.250
but the alcoholic would beat her my
mother. I know she suffered sexual abuse
567
00:42:35.329 --> 00:42:39.849
because she could talk understand. My
mother never talked about this to me or
568
00:42:39.969 --> 00:42:44.210
my brother and sister, I would
suppose, when we were children, but
569
00:42:44.320 --> 00:42:46.880
he's young adults. She was trying
to explain why we never met these people.
570
00:42:47.599 --> 00:42:52.119
And Basically, the alcoholic, she
was always, you know, she
571
00:42:52.239 --> 00:42:54.599
was always, you know, not
not in the right mind, and she
572
00:42:54.679 --> 00:42:59.150
would either beat my mother or look
the other way when he would do something
573
00:42:59.230 --> 00:43:05.510
to her. And this story bothers
me, but he when my mother was
574
00:43:05.550 --> 00:43:07.670
getting a little bit older, when
I guess when she was in trigger teenage
575
00:43:07.710 --> 00:43:10.750
years. They didn't have a lot
of money. They didn't have a standalone
576
00:43:10.789 --> 00:43:14.780
shower, so they had to take
you know, bird baths and the the
577
00:43:14.860 --> 00:43:22.380
sink. Very poor family home and
all that, and my mother's like it's
578
00:43:22.420 --> 00:43:25.420
just like she noticed that this guy
was starting to stare at her when she's
579
00:43:25.820 --> 00:43:31.050
she's barely just enter your teen ears. and My mother told me that.
580
00:43:31.289 --> 00:43:36.849
You know, she she told me
some things about the physical abuse, but
581
00:43:37.610 --> 00:43:40.010
I think understandably that while she might
be able to say, yeah, they
582
00:43:40.090 --> 00:43:44.320
punched me and stuff, she wasn't
going to talk about anything else. You
583
00:43:44.400 --> 00:43:49.079
know that she you know, I
would imagined that there's got to be different
584
00:43:49.159 --> 00:43:52.119
levels of things you can you can
talk to. And, like I said,
585
00:43:52.119 --> 00:43:53.599
the only reason my mother ever started
to really talk about this stuff of
586
00:43:53.800 --> 00:43:59.429
was that she knew that she was
not typical. You know, she knew
587
00:43:59.469 --> 00:44:01.869
that hers she got on in life, she was able to admit that her
588
00:44:01.989 --> 00:44:06.710
behavior was was influenced and I think
she was trying to find a way to
589
00:44:06.829 --> 00:44:09.019
saying I didn't want to be like
this, but she was trying to off
590
00:44:09.019 --> 00:44:13.980
for explanation and honestly, as a
child, especially an adult child, I
591
00:44:13.980 --> 00:44:16.219
understood where she was coming from and
I did everything of my power to let
592
00:44:16.260 --> 00:44:19.980
her know that I know, was
never your fault, you know, but
593
00:44:20.139 --> 00:44:22.179
do you know? It's not your
fault. So these people, these people
594
00:44:22.219 --> 00:44:27.969
were just not good from the start. And you know, you give ideas.
595
00:44:28.050 --> 00:44:30.010
Is How weird they were in their
head. And this is the thing
596
00:44:30.090 --> 00:44:32.889
and what I want, and I
want the listeners notice, I have no
597
00:44:34.130 --> 00:44:37.329
doubt that the man and the woman
who did this to my mother, they
598
00:44:37.489 --> 00:44:42.840
must have been psychologically abused themselves,
whatever the context, whatever the situation,
599
00:44:42.920 --> 00:44:45.760
they must have been, because it's
sort of things they did to her was
600
00:44:45.840 --> 00:44:49.280
just that can only occur to somebody
who who doesn't know. That's not right.
601
00:44:49.440 --> 00:44:51.840
That is not the way your brain, in the way you treat people,
602
00:44:51.960 --> 00:44:54.789
supposed to operate. Now here's a
weird story. It sounds a little
603
00:44:54.829 --> 00:44:59.469
comical, but I got two more
stories to explain these people right. One
604
00:44:59.630 --> 00:45:01.110
was one of my parents got married. I wasn't, I wasn't around for
605
00:45:01.110 --> 00:45:05.710
another four years, but my grandfather, my garret right. My grandfather was
606
00:45:05.789 --> 00:45:09.539
a typical Irish American guy. He, you know, went to church three
607
00:45:09.619 --> 00:45:14.940
times a week, very devout family
man, but did not know my mother
608
00:45:15.179 --> 00:45:17.139
that well. When when my dad
introduced to you know, and they're in
609
00:45:17.179 --> 00:45:21.809
the marriage, that that round where
you start getting gifts from the family.
610
00:45:22.369 --> 00:45:28.090
Well, some for some reason,
my grandfather, he received a present that
611
00:45:28.250 --> 00:45:30.969
was addressed to my mother and my
father, you know, and he he
612
00:45:31.050 --> 00:45:35.250
didn't understand it. So he starts
to open it because it went to him
613
00:45:35.329 --> 00:45:40.639
with my father and grandfather the same
first name. And so they they start
614
00:45:40.679 --> 00:45:44.639
to open and then they realize it's
a wedding gift. Well, anyway,
615
00:45:44.679 --> 00:45:46.519
what's inside of the wedding gift after
you take off the boat? The boat
616
00:45:46.559 --> 00:45:52.510
and the plastic was just tissue paper. These people sent a wedding gift to
617
00:45:52.630 --> 00:45:57.710
my mother and father that was filled
with tissue papers. It was just another
618
00:45:57.750 --> 00:46:00.829
way for them to give a middle
figure to my mom. And then when,
619
00:46:01.110 --> 00:46:05.500
and then when the guy who raised
or died, you know, he
620
00:46:05.579 --> 00:46:09.219
must have died. I'm not exactly
sure, but let's been like late s
621
00:46:09.300 --> 00:46:14.579
right. My this was the time
when my mother had a perfect example about
622
00:46:14.619 --> 00:46:17.539
having to tell me too much about
what was wrong with them, my mom
623
00:46:17.610 --> 00:46:21.650
said. My mom sets me down
to dire at the table one day after
624
00:46:21.690 --> 00:46:23.929
school. I must spend sixteen or
seventeen old enough to understand where she's coming
625
00:46:23.969 --> 00:46:27.690
from. She says she's that.
She says to me. No, you
626
00:46:27.730 --> 00:46:30.690
know, Robbie, I want to
show you a picture so you can understand
627
00:46:30.730 --> 00:46:35.840
why I never wanted to know these
people. She she slides me a picture
628
00:46:35.920 --> 00:46:38.960
she had just got mailed and basically
what was was the woman who was married
629
00:46:39.000 --> 00:46:45.519
to the guy. He had just
died and there was a picture of her,
630
00:46:45.599 --> 00:46:50.989
name blank. I just don't want
to put her name out there.
631
00:46:53.510 --> 00:46:58.309
Just letting you know we're thinking of
you. It was her over the gravestone
632
00:46:58.750 --> 00:47:05.300
of the man who sexually abused her, but woman who was the alcoholic.
633
00:47:05.380 --> 00:47:07.940
They're over a grave site. This
picture was taken the late s. At
634
00:47:07.980 --> 00:47:12.179
the time, you know, was
a you know, and and and and
635
00:47:12.940 --> 00:47:16.090
she mailed it to my mother.
You know, I was living in the
636
00:47:16.130 --> 00:47:22.250
Midwest. My mom opens and says
the point of this was she just wanted
637
00:47:22.329 --> 00:47:25.329
me to be uncomfortable, she just
wanted to hurt me and it, you
638
00:47:25.449 --> 00:47:29.449
know, you opened it is like
literally it's she had written on and she's
639
00:47:29.489 --> 00:47:34.800
she's standing over the tombstone of the
guy and and and he saying just letting
640
00:47:34.800 --> 00:47:37.719
you over're thinking of you now.
I don't know. You Get in Turk
641
00:47:37.800 --> 00:47:42.079
it all you want, but there's
no doubt that that that's sort of thing
642
00:47:42.159 --> 00:47:46.550
that would create problems my mother.
It's not that she didn't want to try
643
00:47:46.590 --> 00:47:52.550
to find a way to talk or
communicate, but she knew that she could
644
00:47:52.550 --> 00:47:55.110
not let us be around them.
They were back east, we were in
645
00:47:55.150 --> 00:48:00.340
the Midwest. My mother wanted to
explain to us that, you know,
646
00:48:00.980 --> 00:48:06.860
she had made a constant made a
decision that my father's family was very good
647
00:48:06.940 --> 00:48:10.019
people, which they are, and
that would be best for us and never
648
00:48:10.099 --> 00:48:15.449
to have any contact with them.
This is what she did. That seems
649
00:48:15.489 --> 00:48:22.289
like she was trying to keep you
safe. She was, and based on
650
00:48:22.409 --> 00:48:25.889
the few examples like that photograph or
the story about the thing and the few
651
00:48:25.969 --> 00:48:32.199
other things, I totally understand why
she did it. And personally, you
652
00:48:32.320 --> 00:48:37.440
know, I'm of course, assuming
they're she would have died probably years ago,
653
00:48:37.119 --> 00:48:40.239
but you know, I you know, I have no regrets, knowing
654
00:48:40.320 --> 00:48:44.710
what I know about not having that
because I mean that's not a family.
655
00:48:44.829 --> 00:48:46.510
You know, there's there. There
was nothing lost. I didn't have other
656
00:48:46.590 --> 00:48:52.110
set of grandparents. You know grandparents, even at their flawed loved ones.
657
00:48:52.230 --> 00:48:55.179
You know their flawed love. Love, people love. You can have flaws
658
00:48:55.219 --> 00:48:59.340
and they they can make mistakes,
but at some point they have to want
659
00:48:59.380 --> 00:49:01.539
to love you and it's unfortunate,
but the people are raise my mother did
660
00:49:01.579 --> 00:49:08.420
not want to love her. How
did this affect her faith? Um,
661
00:49:08.699 --> 00:49:12.570
you know, I'm going to be
honest. You of my father was raised
662
00:49:12.610 --> 00:49:16.530
by it, about Catholic and of
course you know Christianity and Catholicism. You
663
00:49:16.650 --> 00:49:20.969
know, raised by you know my
life, my grandfather being the greatest generation.
664
00:49:21.090 --> 00:49:23.639
You know, I think. I
think just generationally speaking, is just
665
00:49:23.719 --> 00:49:29.239
very common to go to church not
think about it. My father, he
666
00:49:29.360 --> 00:49:34.159
had he had a lot of religious
and Christian you know, just just programming
667
00:49:34.239 --> 00:49:38.230
right. I don't really know if
my mother was really every religious person.
668
00:49:38.269 --> 00:49:42.829
I don't honestly know if she really
had thoughts about that. She never talked
669
00:49:42.829 --> 00:49:46.070
about it, but she did say
something and and I hope they understand this,
670
00:49:46.230 --> 00:49:50.909
this is her sense of humor.
I sometimes I remember one time I
671
00:49:50.949 --> 00:49:52.579
asked my mother's like okay. So
I went to public school. My brother's
672
00:49:52.659 --> 00:49:54.739
just one of ook school. But
we had to do that thing where we
673
00:49:54.860 --> 00:49:59.260
are being raised to go to a
calf, to go to go to the
674
00:49:59.340 --> 00:50:02.900
Catholic Mass on Sunday. But biguse. But because we went to public we
675
00:50:04.019 --> 00:50:06.300
had to go to a PSR,
we had to go to the crash course
676
00:50:06.340 --> 00:50:10.769
you would take to teach you about
God and Jesus Right. And I remember
677
00:50:10.809 --> 00:50:14.889
one day saying, mom, I
don't really you don't real strike me.
678
00:50:15.449 --> 00:50:16.809
I told my mom's like you,
you remind me of me a bit on
679
00:50:16.889 --> 00:50:20.690
this. Like I'm not really religious
person, I'm not really a believer,
680
00:50:21.250 --> 00:50:22.480
but you remind me of like that. Are you a believer? My Mom
681
00:50:22.519 --> 00:50:27.519
said, look, so I'm going
to be honest for you. She never
682
00:50:27.599 --> 00:50:30.159
really answered, but she said what
do you get married? I just want
683
00:50:30.159 --> 00:50:32.400
to make sure you have the option
of getting buried at a beautiful church and
684
00:50:32.559 --> 00:50:37.789
not just the justice of the peace. And I know I to me this
685
00:50:37.909 --> 00:50:40.510
is comical, but my mother straightforward
answer that was well, you know,
686
00:50:42.869 --> 00:50:45.869
getting married in a church is beautiful, and getting married before, you know,
687
00:50:45.989 --> 00:50:49.349
before the you know, the justice
of the peace or whatever that's called.
688
00:50:49.429 --> 00:50:52.940
It yeah, but that's the only
real answer I ever got from my
689
00:50:52.980 --> 00:50:59.739
mom on that. Now to try
to use my own intuition, I I
690
00:50:59.820 --> 00:51:01.739
don't think she was a religious person. Now that's not the belief. That's
691
00:51:01.780 --> 00:51:05.889
not to say that she's not.
She didn't have some spiritual views or she
692
00:51:05.969 --> 00:51:07.650
didn't believe in a higher power.
I mean, obviously this is kind of
693
00:51:07.650 --> 00:51:12.809
theology. Well one you could you
you can understand that there is organized religion
694
00:51:13.769 --> 00:51:15.650
and then there's a belief in a
higher power and people can be separate.
695
00:51:16.329 --> 00:51:20.039
I know my mother was not really
well, I guess. I guess by
696
00:51:20.079 --> 00:51:23.039
default my mother believed to the power
of organized religion, but I don't honestly
697
00:51:23.159 --> 00:51:27.880
know what her spiritual views are.
Religion, from what I could tell,
698
00:51:28.000 --> 00:51:31.599
was not a priority of my mother. She she married into my father's family,
699
00:51:31.760 --> 00:51:36.829
and my father's family was was was
Irish Catholic, so that was that
700
00:51:37.070 --> 00:51:39.510
was I think my mother's relationship was
my father. That's you know, she
701
00:51:39.630 --> 00:51:44.070
married into my FA, my family, and that was just the norm.
702
00:51:44.630 --> 00:51:49.019
You know, grown up. Now
me personally in pretty listener. I just
703
00:51:49.099 --> 00:51:52.099
hope you know I am not a
heaven but I am actually an atheist.
704
00:51:53.179 --> 00:51:58.739
But I'm an I've been open minded
atheist. I have no understanding of where
705
00:51:58.940 --> 00:52:01.809
it all comes from. I don't
believe that any human being any time seems
706
00:52:01.809 --> 00:52:07.250
going to understand that question. Science
is a great and powerful tool, but
707
00:52:07.809 --> 00:52:10.530
but but a little bit of humility, admitting that, you know, nature
708
00:52:10.610 --> 00:52:17.079
has a thirteen point six billion,
fourteen billion year head start. Why would
709
00:52:17.119 --> 00:52:21.360
we assume that in a laboratory would
have all the answers within a few hundred
710
00:52:21.360 --> 00:52:25.119
years? My point being is I
have not turned off to believe in a
711
00:52:25.159 --> 00:52:29.679
higher power. At the very least
I believe that, you know, helping
712
00:52:29.760 --> 00:52:32.670
each other is a sign of love
and as far as I'm concerned, if
713
00:52:32.710 --> 00:52:37.909
your God is the belief that you
have a responsibility to take care of each
714
00:52:37.949 --> 00:52:44.110
other and to help people, even
help people that you know don't care about
715
00:52:44.110 --> 00:52:46.219
you, you know, love by
enemy. You know, I do believe
716
00:52:46.260 --> 00:52:52.019
in that. But now maybe be
personally not. I'm not religious and totally
717
00:52:52.019 --> 00:52:54.860
fine with they're not being anything more
than, you know, life and then
718
00:52:54.940 --> 00:52:59.769
the end of it. But to
my mother, I don't honestly know if
719
00:53:00.050 --> 00:53:04.289
she wasn't religious because of her upbring
you know, to some extent, I
720
00:53:04.409 --> 00:53:07.409
know people find religions on. People
Find Find Christ or God, or they
721
00:53:07.449 --> 00:53:10.690
have their Buddhist reliefs or they believe
in a recardnation where it might be you
722
00:53:10.809 --> 00:53:15.159
can find that, but obviously it's
a great extent the upbringing has a lot
723
00:53:15.239 --> 00:53:21.480
to do with the likelihood of your
beliefs. Probably a way. Is there
724
00:53:21.559 --> 00:53:25.239
anything else you would like to share
before we wrap up? Yes, I
725
00:53:25.559 --> 00:53:30.630
do. I'm hoping I can put
this well, I think in and,
726
00:53:30.909 --> 00:53:34.030
of course, Rachel, thank you
very much for having you. I do
727
00:53:34.110 --> 00:53:37.670
appreciate it. I do hope that
this can help people. I just want
728
00:53:37.670 --> 00:53:38.949
to say to people who are out
there, I just want to make something
729
00:53:39.070 --> 00:53:43.019
very clear. I also want to
just to say that the say this.
730
00:53:45.059 --> 00:53:51.219
You are loved all right. People
love you. Your friends, your family,
731
00:53:51.420 --> 00:53:58.530
they love you and they do understand
that it's hard for you. They
732
00:53:58.650 --> 00:54:00.329
know that it's hard for you to
talk about it. They know that if
733
00:54:00.409 --> 00:54:05.329
you talk about the bad things that
people did to you, that you're reliving
734
00:54:05.409 --> 00:54:08.769
it. They know you don't want
to do that, but if you want
735
00:54:08.769 --> 00:54:15.159
to try to have a better quality
of life, the likelihood is you will
736
00:54:15.239 --> 00:54:20.039
have a better quality of life if
you receive treatment, because then you can
737
00:54:20.119 --> 00:54:23.590
start to heal a little bit,
and I'm going to be honest you,
738
00:54:23.829 --> 00:54:29.389
I don't believe for second that you
can wave imagined one if you were hurt,
739
00:54:29.630 --> 00:54:32.230
that hurt will be with you.
But you know, as a guy
740
00:54:32.309 --> 00:54:35.750
who was in the service, I
knew I had friends of mine that we
741
00:54:35.829 --> 00:54:38.300
were in the military that they lost
slims, they were hurt. You're not
742
00:54:38.380 --> 00:54:43.699
going to get the arm back,
but to live your life you've got to
743
00:54:43.820 --> 00:54:47.340
receive the treatment that that that's best
available. Now to get away from talking
744
00:54:47.380 --> 00:54:51.340
about that, I just I just
want to get right back to this topic,
745
00:54:51.420 --> 00:54:55.329
is about sexual abuse. Right,
I would imagine that of all the
746
00:54:55.530 --> 00:54:59.250
different types of abuses, this is
got to be the one that probably impacts
747
00:54:59.250 --> 00:55:01.849
people the hardest, and that's why
it's the hardest for you and that's why
748
00:55:01.849 --> 00:55:05.889
I like when you come on this
show or you receive treatment. But the
749
00:55:05.969 --> 00:55:08.280
one thing I'm going to tell you
I am a son of a woman.
750
00:55:08.360 --> 00:55:13.480
She passed away. She was a
very loving person. While she had flaws,
751
00:55:14.400 --> 00:55:16.639
her flaws were not because she was
a bad person. Her flaws were
752
00:55:16.679 --> 00:55:22.869
not because she was inferior. Her
flaws were not her flaws were because she
753
00:55:22.110 --> 00:55:29.789
was brought into a bad situation.
She was brought into a horrible startup,
754
00:55:31.070 --> 00:55:36.139
and it's just our psychological wiring.
We want to start to blame ourselves.
755
00:55:36.179 --> 00:55:37.260
We want to we want to say
that we had something to do with it.
756
00:55:37.739 --> 00:55:42.340
I'm telling you, as a son
of this woman, right, it's
757
00:55:42.380 --> 00:55:45.099
not your fault. You did nothing
wrong. And yes, it's going to
758
00:55:45.139 --> 00:55:47.219
be hard for you to talk about
is going to be hard for you to
759
00:55:47.659 --> 00:55:53.889
go professionals and whatnot. I'm telling
you you will have a better quality of
760
00:55:54.050 --> 00:56:00.489
life, the better potential for you
yourself if you do get the treatment,
761
00:56:00.570 --> 00:56:01.969
if you go for it. And
No, you're not going to wake up
762
00:56:02.010 --> 00:56:06.280
one day and it's all going to
be gone, but you'll be better day
763
00:56:06.400 --> 00:56:08.239
by day. I do believe you'll
be better day by day. And yes,
764
00:56:08.360 --> 00:56:10.480
I do, of course believe you
owe it to your family, your
765
00:56:10.480 --> 00:56:14.440
loved ones. But I'm telling you
this because my mother, my mother not,
766
00:56:14.760 --> 00:56:16.519
never got this. No one could
ever explain this to her. You
767
00:56:16.719 --> 00:56:22.269
do absolutely deserve to get love and
treatment, because you deserve it. You
768
00:56:22.510 --> 00:56:27.510
do deserve it and you do have
to be brave, and it's hard,
769
00:56:27.550 --> 00:56:30.710
but be brave. You. You
owe it to yourself. So please,
770
00:56:30.750 --> 00:56:32.900
I'm telling you. You deserve it. That's all I have to say.
771
00:56:32.900 --> 00:56:37.659
All Right, thanks Bob, for
coming on our show. Listeners, we
772
00:56:37.739 --> 00:56:44.019
are we will be tuning in next
week on Thursday. So thanks for listening
773
00:56:44.179 --> 00:56:51.090
and you can always catch us on
basement, twitter, linkedin or any of
774
00:56:51.210 --> 00:56:57.929
the podcast outlets and www Rachel on
recoverycom. Thanks for listening.
