Episode Transcript
Hi, this is Rachel on recover. We're back with Charissa Brim and she's going to tell the rest of her story.
How has this impacted your marriage?
Yeah, you know, it's um. It was in marriage that I kind of had to come to terms with what was happening because I basically experienced the trauma and then went. Gosh, about seven years without really. Doing anything about it like therapy or whatever. I had a couple of sessions and then it goes to the therapist and that was that, you know and. When you're in marriage in like a safe, committed relationship. You can't hide all the parts of yourself that you used to be able to. You are. You know, on display for better or worse. And yeah, so I I started getting triggered really bad and I didn't even know what was happening. All I knew is that I was experiencing these things that I called rage blackouts. Like I would get triggered and then I would. Here comes the anger. And now I'm just like disassociation basically blacked out. Exactly, exactly. And you know, it was in those moments that I was like, this is not, this isn't normal. Like something's wrong, you know something is not right. And that was really the catalyst to like, get me into. There be and like really processing this piece of my story. Um, yeah. And so, I mean that's been. Really helpful and helpful. Just to realize, too, that that didn't mean that my marriage was bad. You know, I I think kind of the opposite. Your brain and your body, it is protecting you, you know, like, that's one of its main goals. And so it Shields you from. A lot of the reality of your pain until you're in a place of safety where you can start to kind of process
it and lay it all out on the table. And so, you know, a lot of people, you find yourself in a safe relational setting and then we'll share it all comes you know, so that was. Yeah, that was a huge part of our, like, early marital years and, you know, trying to figure that out for both of us, you know, how can we figure out? How to heal from these triggers and also like be respectful of them and kind of create our own ecosystem, yeah. It sounds like he's very supportive of you.
Absolutely, yeah. I mean, I don't want to paint it in rose colored glasses. Like when it was happening. It was so hard, you know, like I think, I think he wanted to be supportive and it was also, I just didn't have very good language to describe what I was doing. So it seemed like I was just all of a sudden. Acting like this version of a person he hadn't seen didn't know like what's going on. And so it took a lot of I really have to applaud him for like, the the patience and resolve it took for him to walk through it with me while I figured out. What the hell was happening? You know, he didn't have to do that, and that was really impactful that he did.
I mean, I guessing you're dating was much different than your previous relationships. With your husband. Yeah.
Yeah, exactly. There was, yeah. Definitely. I so kind of an interesting element of our story is I was very good friends with my husband. Um, in the year like the. Couple of years right after my assault and so he witnessed my dating. So he saw me making a lot of choices that, wow, I wish he hadn't seen.
So in some senses that kind of fast tracked a little bit, you know, cause I, you know he had already his own accounts of what I was experiencing. And yeah, I kind of. Um, yeah, reach a point after kind of my tumultuous dating that I realized this isn't this isn't serving me. This isn't. Benefiting me this is contributing to a sense of identity that doesn't feel authentic with who I am. And so when I started kind of white knuckling that course correction is when our relationship really took off and the rest is history, so. Like.
You know it's yeah. Sounds like he's a good man.
Yeah, he definitely is and. Hmm.
Um, how has this impacted your reputation?
Yeah, that's such an interesting question, I think. Automatically, in my mind, I kind of split it into two different types of answers. So how has it impacted my reputation? I think the first part is like the truth of how it actually did. And then I think there is a second part. That's kind of the fear of, you know what I'm afraid it will, right? Like how I'm afraid it will impact my reputation. So. As I've kind of alluded to you so far in this conversation. You know, the immediate aftermath was a mess. And, um, I didn't understand what was happening to me. The people around me didn't understand. And when you are consumed in pain, even if you haven't like necessarily registered why or like the exact details of it? It's. It's a normal response to to look inward and become very self focused, right? Like you're trying to devote all of your resources to fixing something that's not OK, but that also makes you kind of selfish and not necessarily putting a good or bad on that. I think it's just the reality is I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on around me. Being reckless and you know everything else with my behaviors, I was. Very different and very uncharacteristic of who I. You know, typically and how I typically move through the world and so unfortunately it resulted in a lot of loss of relationships and friendships and. You know, I wasn't concentrating on school like I used to and I wasn't, you know, didn't have the bandwidth to show up to work like I normally did and. That definitely changed the reputation that I had, you know, I was no longer this reliable, grounded leader that, you know, I had been a couple of months prior, which was intense to feel, you know? Um.
And. Then the second kind of. Part of that. So that was like the reality, the truth of how it impacted my reputation. And that second piece, the fear, I think even present day, you know, I write in podcast about sexual trauma. And when I first started doing that, I was so afraid that I was gonna change how people thought of me. The reality is there's lots of stigmas around being a survivor and. Yeah, I think I was afraid that people would think less of me or. You know I. I I tend to move through the world in a very like, joyous and bubbly way. And. I became really afraid that that piece of my reputation would be compromised, that people would think I was faking it or being inauthentic or that that wasn't real and. You know, the reality is survivors are full people. You know, we have lots of different sides to us and it's actually been really empowering and. You know, the time that I've been public about this part of my story to see that it hasn't led to that disconnection or an unfair reputation change. It's actually been. Um, yeah, source of connection. I think a lot of people. Resonate with, just like the humanity of having experienced something terrible, but still moving on with life, you know? Two movement has been so prevalent in this country. Around the world. Yeah. Absolutely, yeah. It's powerful to see. And I think many of us, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Tells us the most.
Yeah. Yeah, I agree with that. Yeah. That's where Shane can get.
Tell it to yourself first before you tell. Tell it to anybody else. No. Repairing power told me that, yeah.
And. Hmm.
I think that's the hardest part. Because if you tell somebody, yeah. Or not and they don't believe you. It's harder just to come.
Yeah, yeah. And if I could?
Yeah. Yeah, and speaking from my own. Personal experience, it's almost there. The other side of that same coin I had. A number of people who I knew well, and they named it for me first and said, hey, what happened to you? Like, that's OK, that's assault, that's rape, you know, like they very much.
Confirmed what it was, but I was still in denial, you know, like I still hadn't to use your words. Like I hadn't told myself. And so it didn't matter that other people. Nor were aware because I. Until you believe it for yourself, you don't. Find resources that you need and pursue the help that you need. So it's it's important, like you said, for you to tell it to yourself first for the confidence and the protection and also because that's the that's the only way that you can. Actually move forward and in meaningful ways.
umm Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I think. Yeah, kind of good, I previously said. I think it's a weird element to move through life knowing that you've had this experience and. No. I think I've had an interest in the scope of first thinking that no one has experienced this and I'm alone and you know, dealing with an isolation and feeling always a little bit like a fog because people don't really know. But it happened to me. And then since being just a more public setting, us as part of my story like now, I've had the chance to hold in confidence that there's a lot of people that have had experiences, you know, under this category. And yeah, I think that's really, it's really confronting to see that. It's like the actual people around you reinforces the idea that this is real. That happens to a lot of people. The stigmas are not fair either. It reinforces all those things that you know. Yeah, I think I just have such a greater sense of. Respect and. Information for the women in my life, you know, I I think the the more that I see resilience play out in my social settings, the more I'm just in awe at length. And the way we as humans figure out how to get back on the horse, you know, it's really impactful.
No. Don't think.
Yeah, some portion of the hard makes me dream.
Play.
And interesting, the timeline of my flight had been the summer before my senior year of college. And so that was a really, really pivotal time in life. And we're making career choices. And so I was making those big choices in a trauma response.
I know there are a number of other things going on. And why is she? You know, I feel like traumas also happen in threes. Like you're never just experiencing one thing, you know?
Yes, I did. The balance sheet and you career path, I don't know. I don't know. It's not necessarily helpful. It's always you know, playing a game of like what if, but. Yeah, there's, there's, there's everything seems to be a path that it was on and then this happened and I made a 90 degree angle turn, you know, so I think I'm so kind of coming to terms with the internal scattering that I felt and the external evidence of that and trying to figure out how to. Take the reflections of that in my career and. You know, make it make sense. I don't know if that even makes sense, but how has this impacted your? Yeah.
This is a hard one because I am currently figuring it out, you know, if I'm just honest.
At times it has brought me closer to my spirituality and. Has given me a, you know, heightened sense of my dependence on the divine. But it has also made me um. Aware of and unable to accept. Um, the realities that exist in a lot of religious settings and so. You know, I grew up in the church and grew up with a sense of like my own independent spirituality. So the two have always been connected for me, and so it feels really challenging to. Um, separate the two and figure out what is religion and what is spirituality and where does my faith fall within that? Um. It's it's a lot of you know no I mean carefully makes sense shifting through.
I mean, I don't know if you're going to church or not, but you know when you're ready or if you want to. I would, you know, check to see if it's a trauma, informed church. And I think that's becoming more. Prevalent. When asking about a church, yeah. Before going. Yeah, or synagogue or whatever question. OK. How? How has this impacted your physical health?
Yeah, so I physically, you know they we alluded to the book earlier, the body keeps the score and that has been my experience. The body definitely does keep the score. These are fairly large statistic of people who have experience sexual trauma who then end up with an autoimmune disorder or disease. And I'm not a medical professional so I can't say for sure. You know, like if that's the reason why, but I am one of those. I'm part of that statistic. I about the same time figured out that I was a celiac and. Yeah, I think you know I have. Since about 2012. Been in some sort of a trauma response and, you know, only in the last five or so years, like really paid attention to my healing and so. The more, the further along my healing journey I get, the more aware of my body I am, so the more aware of my like physical health I have become. Um, yes, I I think I'm noticing that like. I'm throwing my neck out all the time. I have back issues. I'm holding stress, you know, like the body holds on to these things. And yeah, it's been a really. Uh. Interesting journey to just even clue into that, you know. Most definitely. Um, I know so many survivors that are celiac.
Or have an autoimmune.
Yeah, and it's just so incredibly prevalent. It's insane. What do you do for self-care?
Oh my goodness, I I dance. I love dancing. That that is my self-care. And it's not just because I like it, although obviously I do. It's actually been really important for me as I like process different like parts of healing. Because first of all, Speaking of the body, it gets me back into my body. You know, I tend to live in my head, just like floating through the world. And so dancing, you know, kind of tethers me back to the present. It is playful, it's fun, and, yeah, teaches me that I can feel safe paying attention to my body. What would you like to say to encourage other survivors?
Yeah, I think if I could say anything, it would be that. You know your response to whatever trauma you're navigating it it makes sense. Um, you know, it's not always obvious when we are operating out of a trauma response, especially if we're like just trying to like get our footing in it. And in my experience, I think that's where I found a lot of self shame. So there's a reason you're responding the way you are, even if it feels out of line or dysfunctional. And yeah, that's actually been so important to me that. I created a little little quiz actually. So, um, it helps you kind of figure out what your go to responses are. That way you can direct your healing a little bit. So if any of your listeners want to check that out, it's if you go to my website soitscarissabrim.com
quiz and you can take it there. Most definitely. Um, what would you say was the most important piece of advice somebody gave you in your journey of recovering?
Yeah, I had a therapist tell me once that.
One of them, like first things that I like could let go of with this. Belief that healing from trauma happens on a timeline. That's just not how it works. Yeah, you know something that? Happened 10 years ago like it might be presenting itself in new ways now and. That doesn't mean you've been doing it wrong, or you're not healing, or that you'll never heal. It's. You know, trauma kind of like to describe it as it staples your pant leg in the past, you know, so you're physically present in the moment, but there's part of you that's, you know, kind of constantly being pulled back. And, you know, you don't need to feel shame for that, for not getting over it quicker. Yeah. It's a journey. Alright, I think that's it. Anything else you would like to share that we have not hit on?
I think that's it. Thank you for. Yeah, thanks for the questions that have led to like a lot of cool, cool insights and verbally. Giving voice to our situations. That's important though. I appreciate it, Rachel. Alright. Thanks guys for listening TuneIn next Thursday at 10:00 AM. And I was always follow us on your favorite podcast platform or social media platform. And if you have any questions, reach out to Rachel on recovery.com. Thank you. no
