Episode Transcript
Hi, this is Rachel on recovery. We've got special guests, chrissa. She's here to tell us a little bit about herself and then she's going to. Uh, answer some questions for us.
Hey there. My name is Carissa Brimm, and I like to describe myself as a storyteller. I think that the stories of our lives are really important, but a lot of times the ones that have the biggest impact on us are the ones that go unspoken. So I am a writer and podcaster and so I use those forums. Yeah, as a as a place to help others feel that they're not alone and others impacted by trauma, namely sexual assault to move from disconnection to connection, so. Alright, let's get into some of these questions. Um. Do you feel like your childhood groomed you to be sexually assaulted as an adult?
Yeah, that's such a good question because you know when you're processing your trauma and what happened to you. Very regularly. Are you seeing the full ecosystem of how you even got to, you know, having been a part of that experience? So for me, you know, like many of your other guests and probably people who listen as well? The gene was an element of my upbringing and so, you know, I was. I observed a narrative, and I was in some cases directly given a narrative that, um, you know, as a woman in the church, I was to kind of defer to the the man and. Yeah, just be as accommodating as possible. And so I really didn't know how to say no. Which of course is a really important key like. Skill to have in life, but especially when it comes to consent. Um. You know, I just wanted to be a really accommodating person. And um. You know, I was, I was aware of the phrase no means no as a form of consent. But, you know, I couldn't even say no to. People that I cared about or who cared about me, you know, so I think it it was really unfair. It's an unfair expectation that we put on other people that when you're in a potentially dangerous situation or when there's an. A power dynamic at play. It's not always as easy to just, you know, say no and navigate the situation like you would hope you'd be able to. So. You know, I think it was um stepping back and realizing that. Consent is actually it should be yes means yes, you know. That when we. Go through life assuming that no means no is,
you know, the appropriate narrative of consent. That implies that the assumption is that yes is the baseline. And so I think that that is very much, you know, how how I grew up as a kid, you know, I was available and wanted to help and wanted to make other people you know. Feel however they wanted to feel. And so, um, those elements definitely carried through into my young adulthood. OK, what have you done for recovery?
Yeah, you're not tried it. A couple of different things. You know, therapy obviously has been really helpful. For for me, but I think. You know, there's multiple types of therapy and for a while talk therapy was really helpful to just kind of get a lay of the land. You know what what I was dealing with what. What had happened? You know, just like putting words to your experience can be so powerful. But eventually I ended up doing some EMDR therapy and that has been. Really helpful because um, you know, in talk therapy you. It's very easy to intellectualize your feelings and convert feelings and emotions into words, and that's just what I naturally do. And so I needed help kind of stopping that. Um, consistent dialogue and letting my body process what it needed to and kind of take the reins in terms of leading my healing journey. So that was really impactful and paved the way for me to be able to. Actually, read about trauma recovery without. Being triggered out the wazoo and to write and find my words, which ultimately has led me to safe community which has been really helpful in my recovery. Yeah, there are a couple of books that. I don't know if you've ever read the courage to heal. Um, it's got good stuff in it, but it's.
You know, you just have to skip over some things, I would say, and some of the books because you're like, I don't really need to read that. Yeah, yeah. I remember reading the the body keeps the score, which has been hugely helpful. But you know, I got like I think 23 in and I was like, wow, this book is gonna change my life and I like dogeared the page. And then I didn't pick it up for another year and a half. You know, it's like I can't engage with those, you know, this full on. So it's helpful to kind of partner that with therapy. I mean, I used to sometimes get really get headaches and stuff because I was doing my. Research project in grad school on incest recovery, and very times I'd lay in bed for three days because it just the stuff was just so heavy and so emotionally draining. Yes, absolutely. That's real. That's a real part of it. What have you seen help other people recover in similar situations to yours?
Yeah, I think in in a word, I would say acknowledgement, just being able to acknowledge for yourself what has happened. You know we. Find 1000 different ways to tell ourselves that what happened. Wasn't you know didn't have an impact or it wasn't as bad as someone else's experience or you know maybe it's not even what I think it is. You know we just I think it's our brain trying to be a little bit protective trying to shield us from you know some of the the truth of the horror of what has happened. But you know it's when we believe the the narratives that. It wasn't that bad, or we should be over it by now. We disqualify ourselves from healing. And so, you know, when I see others who are, you know, charting their own healing journey, I think. There always comes that moment where you're you know, it's, it's terrifying. But when you finally acknowledge, yeah, this is what happened to me and it had an impact. I think that really frees you up to find the help that you need, you know? And so I've seen that be really helpful to others in my situation and and also to me personally. How has this impacted your community?
Yeah, you know, I think. Um. I spent a lot of my adult life working in hotels, and so I was dealing with customer service quite a bit. And if there's anything I can say, it's that we are a traumatized group of people. So if I can just like zoom up to bird's eye view. You know, we, our community at large, is impacted by this. There are so many people who are carrying. You know, sexual traumas of course, and other traumas as well. And so we're just trauma responding all over each other and it just makes things really chaotic and makes relationships challenging to understand. It makes our relationship with ourself confusing because we're, you know, trying to get feedback from others. And it's. Yeah, hard, but I think. When you look around, um. It's it's easy to think that you're the only one, and so. When you think you're the only one who's experienced something, it's very easy to disconnect and to isolate and. You know, that's where shame gets us. And as a community. Um, if we're all doing that to a certain degree, it leads to a lot of people living life and trying to navigate these really nuanced and complicated parts of life on their own. And, you know, I think from. If I can speak to like my specific community in the immediate aftermath of,
you know, my assault, it was, I would like to just use that word, chaotic. And it was. Really confusing for me to figure out what was going on. It was confusing for others to figure it out. And um, ultimately led to a lot of disconnection and a lot of loss. So I think that's. Unfortunately. You know, a lot of times the trauma itself is horrible, of course, but the response in community is. Sometimes the the most challenging thing to to sort through, almost definitely.
So many people I know struggle with that, especially with some of the.
Clergy abuse and things. I mean that's.
Yeah, I know it's bad enough when it's like not somebody of the cloth, but when it is somebody of the cloth, it just makes it so much worse. Absolutely. Well, and you know that. So my assault wasn't. Clergy abuse, but I did. Go through all of this while I was attending a Christian Bible College and. You know it, um. Yeah, it was very.
It was very cognitively dissonant to have experienced that and then be in a community where I didn't feel like I could be honest about. The circumstances leading up to my assault, you know, I was drinking and I was around, you know, others who were like in a more promiscuous headspace. And all of those would have been like big no Nos, you know, and so. You know, in in talking about what happened to me, it was. Hard not to feel a sense of blame, you know, like, well, yeah, that's what happens when you're like out in the world and. I don't know. I think it's human nature to try to other people who bring to the table something that could be threatening to you. You know, if you acknowledge the threat, you have to acknowledge it for yourself too. And that can be really confronting for people. And you know, what? Is it the meme? It's not what she wears or what she's doing. Or, you know, a ****** is completely responsible for their actions. Yeah, and exactly right. I think, you know, you know, somebody's who went to a Christian college and had, you know, her adults assaults happen in that environment. Um, there's just this. Like they shove this purity thing down your throat and.
And it's just like you know. Even if it's not consensual, you're you know.
You're you know you're having sex, but it's not consensual, so technically it's rape, and especially if it's like a **** **** thing. There's just so much shame in that. That I feel like even in like a lot of people in our situations, they can't even identify as rape until. Somebody tells them that's rape. Absolutely. I don't know how many times we.
I'm sorry because I just. Um, because I just feel like there's just. There's no nobody talks about it or teaches girls what consent is. In youth group, nobody talks about what consent is. They'll tell you don't have sex, but they don't tell you men can force themselves on you and that's not OK. Or fight, flight or freeze. Or you know. Yes, yes, that. And I just find that horrendous. And you're like, ohh be pure, but we don't care that you're, you know, somebody forced themselves on you. And you know, when it happens, they're like, well, it's his future. What about my future? How about years of therapy? Am I going to have to live through and all the treatments am I going to have to endure to have my life back? Exactly, exactly. Because it is so just interwoven with shame. And I think as you've just so eloquently put words to, like when you're in a religious setting and you're dealing with sexual trauma, the shame is just like off the charts. And so of course, you're not talking about it, so no one else is talking about it. And so there is not a clear understanding of the impact that it actually has. And so there's this sort of like grin and bear it. I guess we'll just pretend like nothing happened or that I'm OK. But meanwhile. Your entire nervous system has been rebooted, right? Like you don't move through the world in the same way that you
used to. And yeah, that's a huge repercussion to have to figure out, and it's not as overt as what would be the punishment for the person committing the crime. And so it seems like it's. More impactful for them. And it's just very, it's very confusing to sort through all those narratives because it's so obviously unfair. I mean, I would like to get a group together to create a curriculum for like youth groups to talk about consent and what that means. Yes. So girls aren't. I totally agree. You know, because, I mean it's online, but are they talking about it and youth group. I mean I've been to youth group in a long time because, you know, I'm in my 30s, but. Right. And I don't know unfortunately and I don't know if anybody else has thought about doing that but I think I may talk to some people and maybe that should be my next after I finish my book or maybe I'll do this in correlation to my book is to. Write a curriculum. For those of us who I mean especially since.
Unfortunately, the church is so patriarchical. Or.
That. They don't even understand this concept well. Some of them are starting to, but. Yeah, yeah. There's so many layers to it, right? It's like if we're given this understanding that first of all, men are the only sexual beings and that they are just like ticking time bombs, like who have to have, you know, certain needs met, whatever. I even hate like the phrasing of that cause it's just like, so yeah, whatever, it's just, it's not a helpful phrase for anyone, right? And then you have women who are obviously sexual beings as well, but not allowed to be and very much chastised if they, like even dip their toe in that conversation. And so then you teach women that. I mean, you don't even teach it. Like, to your point, right, you're not even talking about consent. And so the assumption is that like. The average man is automatically objectifying you, and it's up to you to stop that. That just puts all of the emphasis on the woman to be the one stopping. An unhealthy sexual chemistry, like happening, you know, and meanwhile men are not being taught that it's their responsibility, you know, it's it's like it's telling women that they have the complete. It's their responsibility, but they have no real power to change the dynamic and that's. So that in of itself is traumatizing to move through the world having that pressure. Yeah, no, I. Well, because I I mean, looking back in my situation, I think I found out the most frustrating thing because, I mean, I was, you know, I was in youth group. I read a lot of Christian
dating books. Nobody talked to me about consent. They said just don't have size.
Like yeah, exactly. Yeah. So exactly. Yeah. I find that just beyond frustrating and infuriating. Yeah, yeah, because then there's also nothing there's no resources for. OK, so. You've had sex, whether it was consensual or not. Now what? You know, it's like, well, you're you're just, you're out of the fold, you know, which keeps people from talking about. Things that they need to talk about to find help, you know, which is the real tragedy, yeah. Most definitely. Um, how has this impacted your dating life?
Yeah, so, you know, in the I'm presently married, but in the aftermath, I could describe it as having kind of like a buff dating before the assault and dating after the assault. So dating before the assault, it was very tidy, very vanilla, very like. Culturally Christian dating, you know and. After the fact, I was a lot more reckless and I had no idea what the heck was happening. So, you know, I think. First of all, I had no baseline understanding of trauma, trauma responses, what rape even really was like as it plays out in the real world. And um. You know, all I know is that afterwards my behavior changed dramatically. And, you know, years later I would come across a term in a textbook and I was like, hey, this is called reenactment, you know, it's like. It can be a really common response to sexual trauma, where you're essentially trying to regain control or some sense of power over what happened to you by. Recreating similar settings and and. Kind of navigating through it on your own terms. And so without even knowing that's what I was doing, that's what I was doing, and so I was. Um, yeah. Just like very promiscuous and. So not only was that unnerving because I had no idea what the heck I was doing or why, but also it seemed to confirm to me that what had happened to me wasn't actually sexual assault because I think I had absorbed. A narrative that like, if I had experienced sexual trauma, then I would hate sex and be.
Like, distance myself from it. And so the fact that I was doing the opposite felt like evidence that I hadn't been traumatized and. You know that. Made things very confusing for me. And I hear that narrative a lot. And have you ever read any of Dan Allender's books? The wounded heart or healing of the wounded heart? It talks about the party girl. Yeah, I love Ellender. He's got some really good stuff. But no. I mean, I almost felt like I'm with you. Like, well, I almost felt like I lost my voice. Yeah, like, you go and it's not even like that. You want sex. You just it's like, right. You become a robot and you have lost inability like the ability to say no.
Yeah. God, that's so true. I really appreciate you putting those words to it, because it did. It felt like I was just this. Almost like a train. Just like off the track. You know how who's stopping this? No one, right? Like I'm just doing this and. Yeah. I think in hindsight it became more clear just how much it was almost like a power move of some sort, and how checked out of the actual sexual experience I was the entire time without even realizing it. Oh yeah, I mean. Like I think. I used to describe it as like, sexual autism.
I'm not even sure if that would be the right word, but just, you know. Inability to. Like, you know, instead of having any ability to socialize, having the inability to have healthy sexual encounters.
Yes, yes, and and having a difficult time picking up on the queues between the two, you know, like. What's dangerous, what's OK, what is a good decision? What's about it just felt I didn't know how to like register that because you don't see the signs, they're just. It just all those fall away. I don't know if it's it's probably a fight or flight response.
Sure, sure. Because I'm sure on some level if you if you are able to recognize the signs, you have to be able to. Acknowledge. Of the. The. The parts. That you either weren't able to see when you were experiencing the trauma or the things that you did and you just pushed through like that takes a lot of healing to get to a place where you can even look at those parts of yourself, you know, and so. I think that's a lot of why those things fall in the blind spot, because healing wise, like you can't even access that that piece of it yet. No, most definitely.
Thank you guys for listening. Chris, I will be back next week to tell the rest of her story, always on Thursdays at 10:00 AM follow us on your favorite social media platform. And as always, if you have any questions, reach out to Rachel on recovery DICOM. Thanks and always subscribe.
