Hi, this is Rachel. We're here with Holly and she's going to tell us a little bit about herself and then we're going to ask some questions for her. Thank you, Rachel, for having me on this, getting to share my voice, which is absolutely phenomenal. I'm, as you can tell by my accent, I'm from Australia. I'm 43. I'm the mother of a beautiful 17, about to be 18 year old boy. Jalen who I'm very proud of. I grew up in Sydney, I was born in Sydney, eastern suburbs girls, so think of Bondi Coogee, that type of area. I'm now based in Brisbane, where the 2032 Olympics is going to be held and I work in the background of business and I've come from a strong. Sales, business and marketing background. I've studied criminology on my time away from work, which is very rare. I like to get into my creative side, so I love cooking, writing, doing a makeup course at the moment to. To sort of give me an outlet other than the work that I'm in at the moment, very close with my beautiful family. And MyHeritage is of Maori, New Zealand descent, and I also have Czechoslovakian and a bit of finishing there as well. Yeah, that's that's basically me. OK all right. We're going to ask some questions, so tell us how you got in, What are the things you've done for recovery? So I guess to add to the intro, I was a professional and elite athlete from a very young age, broke numerous state records as a junior and I was a sprinter 102 hundred, 400 meter champion. Even long jump. Unfortunately, I switched coaches at the about about the age of 10 and I was sexually abused by my running coach for numerous years. So you know, I went from an elite sprinter to he changed my distance to middle distance. Which I naturally progressed to anyway and started winning state titles and breaking records there as well. But I guess as the abuse progressed I started turning my back on my running. So I gave away an opportunity to scholarship and around the age of 17 and through my running away, even though I was able to break free from. My coach at around 15 years of age, I think back then the damage had been done for me, so I just wanted to get as far away from running as I could. Finished school, I kind of went down a rabbit hole, didn't know where I was in life or what I was going to be because I was naturally a great runner, so. My goals and views were the Olympics, the Commonwealth Games, heading over to America to pursue running and a great career. And that sort of was just taken from me. So a lot of things happened after running. So a lot of tragedy, a lot of trauma, pushing things away, people away. I became the perfectionist. I became the night owl. And didn't really know what to do with my life. So I think I had to go through all of that though. That's that's the interesting thing. I've learned through it all. You have to hit rock bottom, I think numerous times and flip your life and and start being a bit more accountable. And that's I guess for me when when you go through all of those ups and downs, you really do have to start looking at yourself in the mirror. And asking what it is you can do to start changing your life despite the trauma that you know sadly is always going to be there. But I started trying to find ways to not place the blame on everyone else and everything else and and look at really what I could do to start finding better ways to accept what what my past was So. Okay. So what type of things have you done for recovery therapy EMGR. Any therapy came later on in my life and and I I think this is a a general thing that happens to a lot of survivors I guess that have that have been in the same types of trauma and abuse that I have been in. You think you're going through therapy and you think you're helping yourself at times, but you're really not, as I've found out. But as I started getting older, you know, having a child, having to put someone else first in front of myself that needs their feelings, their emotions, their growth, I did have to start looking at different ways of of. Excepting the trauma and healing and some of those things that worked really well for me, I guess was tapping back into exercise. You know, the one thing that I was great at, and I really thrived on that, unfortunately, was soured and bittered by the sexual abuse that I went through. I pushed away for most of my life, but then tapping back into that got my my mental stimulation back. Gave me that challenge and also relieved a lot of my stress and anxiety. I've been diagnosed with very high anxiety, but it doesn't tire me out. I work the opposite. I I have too much energy. So being able to get back into my exercise, I tried meditation. I tried yoga, or I tried all of those different things and. They didn't work for me and when I said they didn't work, I gave them a try, but they I just didn't connect with those type of things. So it wasn't true for me. I wasn't being true to myself by just going through the motion of meditating or journaling. So some of the things that really help me with nutrition, I know if I eat well and I balanced and I don't fuss over food and I don't cut things out. That gives me a really great balance in my life. So nutrition's always been very important for me. Vitamins, everyday magnesium to help my nervous system, iron. I'm a red meat lover. I love my iron because when you're going through triggers or even flashbacks and having to deal with the trauma that I've been through daily. Knowing that you have a really strong nervous system and immune system to back you up, even through those tough times is really, really important for for anyone. I think so. And I don't think enough emphasis these days is put on nutrition when recovering from trauma. So nutrition, vitamins and then good old counseling. You know, it wasn't till I actually. Reported my coach and went through the process of the police station detectives and going through the court process. That's when some really, really experienced psychologists in sexual abuse trauma were there to support me. And we're so lucky here in Australia that. That system is free and it is there to help people like myself and anyone else that has been through child sexual assault and abuse who are now adults having to deal with it. So having the professional help that I did with a an experienced sexual abuse counselor, that has been absolutely phenomenal for me because. It's it's not always sexually associated. You know, a lot of people from the outside looking in think that people like myself have to deal with the flashbacks and and the sexual physical component of it. But you know, this really affects the way you each the way you dress, the way you walk, walk, the way you work. The way you parent, the way you are as a partner and as a child. So having someone that's an expert in that area has been great for me because it's it's, it's made me look at myself in a different light. Except things that I can't change. And sometimes there's things that are just so not related to, as I said, the physical side of sexual abuse. So, you know, having a. Counselor make me feel a bit better about the fact that I use, you know, nearly 2 liters of laundry detergent in my washing machine because I have triggers with smells and scents and I want to get my clothes extra clean. Has has made the world a difference to me and and being able to recognize that that isn't normal behaviour but in a supportive way. So yeah, experts in psychology, psychiatry, that's been fantastic for me. And even the detective that I got to work with, you know, they're fantastic for the legal side of things and the justice side of things, but just the knowledge that they've been able to. Give me throughout the process and the support has been phenomenal and especially to people that have to watch me go through that process like my parents, my family. Yeah. Well, did you, did you actually give any injustice And that's that's a really tricky question to Rachel because it was a five year battle the court. Process was very harrowing, but I think sometimes, you know, people go into reporting or even the court process with this whole beautiful notion of closure. Did it give me closure? No. It gave me a voice that was finally heard, that I that I'd hidden and suppressed for so long. But on a positive note, it gave me a foundation to start fixing my life and working on myself without holding a grudge, without carrying the hurt in everything I do and the blame and the anger. So there was justice in that sense. We were very lucky. I, you know, had, you know, a detective who. Was not just supportive of me and my family, but really got the best out of me in terms of, you know, not leading me on giving, letting me tell my story and my story was enough, you know? And that's one thing I can't emphasize enough. I hear so many. Other victims out there that have been through what I have and they can't remember things or they don't have the evidence. We were very lucky. We did some phone calls with the Predator after 30 years and he opened up and he admitted to a lot of things and it was shocking to hear even though I knew it was the truth and he knew it was the truth. But to have someone actually. That's hurt you in an unbelievable way, acknowledge what they've done in a sense of agreeing to everything that was put forward to him on the table. Sadly though, when he was arrested he said he was innocent, so he took me to a trial. So that was, that wasn't a surprise because that was what predators do. It was a a little controlling switch again. And I was ready for it at, you know, the age of 3637 take it right through to court. Court was tough. But having said that, my greatest sense of justice was that I was heard, that I got to. I wasn't just heard by a jury. And a judge but I made him listen to everything I had to say which was which was phenomenal for for me and being able to step up into that healing space. So he was going to listen to me this time and I controlled the shots in court which which gave me so much power didn't heal me. Still hasn't And I don't you know I still have questions that. I now know will never be answered, but I felt a great sense of justice by putting accountability back on a horrible person that has hurt other people after me. And potentially, you know, once he gets out of jail and he got sentenced to 8 years in jail, he's now a. Registered sex offender. So I've done my bit, but I'm glad I did it for me. Above all because I think a lot lot of us go into these situations wanting to do it for others to come or others that have been before us. I did it for me because I realized I valued my life so much. That in order for me to move forward in life, I I needed to hold him accountable. Not just the judge, just I needed to hold him accountable. Sorry, no, very few of us get justice, but it's coming more and more prevalent these days. And the laws are changing. And I don't know what the laws are in Australia. They seem to be more friendly, or at least in your case. Yeah, a lot of our laws tend to protect the predators more than we want to admit, especially the courts, the court system. I mean, the cops are usually feeling like their hands are tied and the. You know, so a lot of it is just changing legislation, especially the statue of limitations. We don't. Yeah. That that's that's gone now here I think, you know, and it's really hard because you know when I started the process, it's it's I have a mind like an elephant. I don't forget a thing. But you know, it's one of those things that I remember my detective saying to me, you know? Just remember to tell the truth and what can you remember? And you know, I wish I could forget. You know, I have one of those minds that it was just constantly, well, I'm going to tell you the truth, obviously, but there's not much I don't remember because for me it was just like I lived constantly to try and forget these things. So for me it was easy in in that sense and. But it's also hard because, you know, how do you go back to, I'm 43, how do I go back to a 10 year old? I mean, it's not like when I was going through what I was going through, I was documenting it, you know, I wasn't writing these. You hide these things, you know. But I remember the moments and I remember the feelings and smells and and scents were very big for me, so. You know, and they still are to be steak and smell pine cones. And I'm right back in Centennial Park where where, you know, some of the sexual abuse would take place. So, but I get over it a lot quicker these days and you know, I just had a great team around me. I had my truth. And I guess there are other people, you know, he didn't really have a strong team behind him. So I think that's what lacked on his part as well in terms of he didn't really have anyone that backed him and those that did were complete and utter liars, you know, and it was shown in court. So all they were jaded, you know, they were athletes or people that knew him way after. The sexual abuse ever happened to me, so it just wasn't relevant in his case. But you know, we had great evidence. Were there other victims not that came forward with pressing charges, but there were some other people that were groomed. And had had instances, yes, absolutely. And and a couple were actually going to be called forward as witnesses on my side and willing witnesses. But the Crown prosecutor that looked after my case, he was absolutely amazing. Luigi Longo didn't need to bring them in, he thought. Basically what we had was enough and we had the phone calls. Don't forget to we had two, I think they were like 40 minute calls, which was great. Put into evidence and surprise surprise, the Predator side wanted those tapes thrown out of court, which didn't happen. But yeah, we we, we kind of didn't really need it. OK. What was the catalyst that started like, what was, what triggered your healing recovery? Like you realized you needed to do something. I think for me, you know, the day I chose to go and report what had happened to me, I'd attempted many years prior and then just sort of didn't feel like I was ready to go ahead because I knew what it was going to do. It was going to open up a can of worms. So I came back and it was a it was Mother's Day and I had a beautiful lunch with my mum and my son and I just remember going back to my parents place and then I just said Mum, there's something I've got to do. I'll be back soon. And I went and reported what had happened to the Cogra police station. And I think what led me there was a I'd had a really great day and and I remember looking at my son and just thinking, you know, I was Jay was 11 at the time and that was the age it started happening to me. And I remember just thinking you know if anyone ever touched a hair on his head or. Any child for that matter, I just remembered that's when I needed to step up. But also, I'd hit so many roadblocks in life, You know, I was so fiercely independent and you get tired of being alone in the sense of you want someone by your side and someone to help you, and even whether it's your parents or friends or a partner. But then as soon as I get close, you push them away. And I was sick of the blame game, you know, blaming everyone, the anger. I could attach anger to absolutely everything. And it was also misguided, you know, the anger, the anxiety, the the blaming, they're just feeling like I didn't matter or didn't fit in even though I was working so hard. To prop myself up and everyone else up around me, it becomes tiresome, you know? So for me, it was a beautiful Mother's Day lunch that made me realize that, hey, there's there's there's more of this beauty out there and feeling good and feeling loved and supported. So do you want more of this in your life, Holly, or do you want to keep pushing people away and feeling alone? So that's when I decided to do something about it. And The funny thing is that it was nerve racking and it was terrifying. But I did actually walk away from my initial first chat with the detectives like I was slowly lifting a brick off my shoulder. I was telling the truth. You know, and this is the thing I've always told the truth, but where I have to be really honest with myself is that I've hidden a lot of this stuff for many years. So that in my eyes is I've been quite dishonest, living a quite dishonest life because I've been trying to shield others and and hide myself from all this stuff that I've been through. So that was great to finally get it off my chest and and. But at the same time, I, you know, walked out of the police station thinking, **** I've just put another 20 bricks on my shoulders because it's real now and there's no stopping this time. I'm going full steam ahead, you know? And I I think that was a bit of the athlete in me going, you know, you've just got to. You've been training, preparing for this all your life whole, So just it's going to be tough, it's going to hurt, but just keep going, you know, because it's going to be a finish line and the finish line was him getting sentenced and you know, a jury backing me 100% with all of the charges and and things like that. So but not the finish life to living with trauma and. And continually working on myself so and and that that's a realization you come to after you know years after court that ****. I've still gotta work on myself that there's no magic you know there's no magic fairy tale ending but doesn't mean it has to be doom and gloom either so you know that's that's yeah, that's basically. When I decided to change and and and step up for Holly Ivy more. Fair enough. What do you wish you would have known at the start of your healing journey? Oh, that's a good question, I think. That I could have done it a lot sooner. It was. It's going to be tough anytime you decide to take take that plunge, I guess. But yeah, I could have done it a lot sooner. I wish that I'd spoken to my parents sooner. Maybe as a teen or as a child rather than an adult. And you know, to have them be so utterly broken by the process and everything that I've been through and continually blaming themselves, but having this absolutely magical support and love for me no matter what, that was sad and I wish I could could have gone back and done it a lot earlier. I wish I had trusted myself a little bit more, you know. Now I look back on what I've actually been through and and how far I've come with A lot further to go, obviously, but I wish I'd trusted myself a little bit more. Yeah. And if I trusted myself a little bit bit more, I think that opens the door to to valuing myself a little bit more. You know, I wish I could have done it a lot sooner because it it would have saved a lot of pain and hurt and anger, I think. But you know, we do it when we're ready and we do it when we think it's right. And even if it's not right, you know, the the main thing is that the attempt, the, the idea to progress forward and finding ways to accept and deal with the trauma that you've been through, I think it's just a bonus and you just get back up and you try it again. But yeah, for me it would definitely be, I wish I'd done it a lot sooner. And I wish I'd done it a lot sooner, not just for myself as I've previously talked about, but for other people, You know, I think that's always weighed very heavily on my mind. You know, who else did he do it to? Did he do it to other people after me? I'm sure there were people way before me, and as I now know, there were people after me and. I hold a lot of guilt with that, but that was my decision and my choice to keep what he did to me, to myself, even though it wasn't very healthy and productive to live a life like that alone and and and isolated in my pain. And what I've been through, but I did it to try and protect other people as well, especially people like my family and who who I now look back on and just think oh, they would have been there for me 30 years ago if if I'd mentioned that you know exactly how they are now. So, but it is. Thanks guys for listening. Holly will be back next week at 10:00 AM to tell the rest of her story on Central Time Zone. If you have any questions, reach out to Rachel on recovery.com. Always follow us on your favorite podcast platform or on social media. And you can always subscribe to us on YouTube. Thanks.