Episode Transcript
Hi, this is Rachel in recovery. We're back with Holly and just gonna tell the rest of her story.
I'll look back on it and just think, God, they would have been there for me 30 years ago if I'd mentioned it. You know exactly how they are now. But it is what it is, so I can't go back.
What has been the most helpful?
I've got to be honest,
my detective that I got to work with who
didn't baby me, didn't didn't
feel sorry for me. She just wanted to help me get justice. And she did it in such a human way, you know, it wasn't robotic. It wasn't. To the book textbook, it wasn't. You know, she really made the difference between me hanging in and pursuing this predator. And I think you know the way she dealt with my family too. We we were all treated respectfully. We were all supported. We were all very nurtured by her and. She just, she was just she's an amazing person and she is probably, you know an unsung hero
and I know a lot of people have different views on the police force and and detectives but she just really is you know, if there was someone that was if she was the. The rare rare one, she's the black Jelly Bean in the jar. You know, she was the one that was just so solid, so against the grain. You know, she, she really went above and beyond her job and my counsel that I have now, you know, victim services here in Australia give you that wonderful support.
That you don't have to worry about financially. And it took four counselors that I went through before I found the right one. And I think that's really important that just because you give an account so that's a specialist in that area, doesn't mean it's going to be the perfect fit. And a couple weren't, you know, there were a couple I dealt with that thought that every time I got anxiety to just light a candle. And when I question them about how would I do that when I have anxiety, when I'm driving past the park where I was sexually abused, I can't just light a candle in a car.
There were others that just listened, didn't really give me any guidance or direction. And then I found this phenomenal,
phenomenal psychologist who I've been working with for four years, every week and. We don't really talk about sexual abuse. That's the beautiful thing about it. We talk about how can Holly accept things? How can Holly, how can I change my mindset? You know? And I love it because there's a lot of accountability in the sessions. There's a lot of reflection on how can I handle things better, You know, how can I change my. Thought process without blaming you know or where am I put placing the blame and the anger in my life and my directing it in the right areas. So she really kind of kicks my **** in a loving but nurturing way. So she's been a phenomenal help for me and I've got to mention my family you know my my family and and even the runners that used to run in the group with me that have backed me and. Never doubted me and have just been there, you know? And my parents, I take my hat off to them because I can't imagine how devastating and and heartbreaking it was for them to have to
accept what happened to me as a child, because no parent should have to go through that in my opinion.
All listen to what my Predator did to me, especially in court.
So I've had some wonderful support through my family, friends and the detective and my psychologist. So yeah, okay.
How did your community respond?
The funny thing is over here, you know when you go through a sexual abuse court case, especially with historical which mine was child, it's very hush hush. So they tend to keep things under wraps a lot, especially through court. You know, we have a closed court as well through it all, so. I guess it's been since I've decided to step up and I've created my Instagram page, which is historical, whole, so historical. And yeah, it started sharing my journey, even the athletes that we had to reach out to for evidence and things like that. It was very hush hush tight lipped, you know?
As you'd want it for something as serious as that too, especially with worries, with media and stuff like that.
But I guess once once communities, you know, especially in the running community too, started finding out, I've had phenomenal support, I've had a lot of
pass runners. Competitors I used to run against absolutely shocked, heartbroken
and their support. I've I've received so many wonderful messages and texts and social media messages and things like that.
And it's interesting because a lot of people reach out with sympathy and empathy, which is beautiful. But I don't want that.
I just want them to know
why I gave my running up, why I threw it away, because that's always been a very hard question to answer, especially to competitive runners that I used to compete against. And I'd always have an no, just I just, you know. It wasn't my thing or I want to try something, you know? It was my thing. It was my life. It was my passion. It was my first love, you know? So it's been nice now for them to know why, why through my running away
And it it's also been sad because a lot of people that I trained with, especially a lot of the guys that were older, you know, they're devastated. They feel like they have let me down. Or that they didn't do enough for, you know, I know a lot of them have said that they were signs and things, but they never saw
the actual acts and things like that. So and I didn't say anything. So it's it's been quite sad to have them feel like they let me down when they didn't let me down. In fact, they actually kept me safe because when they were training and running with me, he couldn't touch me. So it's just been really nice to rekindle myself in a healthy way
with running and and and people I loved in the running group and in the running world. So yeah, okay. Was there any re victimization or victim blaming?
No, but it was interesting at court on his side, on the Predators side,
the lies and the
stories that were made-up about me that would fly around social media and certain people and it would get back to me and just the hurtful things that were said that because certain people in the group. And not a lot, by the way. I have majority on my side, would make up stories and, you know, say hurtful things about me and my family and my life
just because they believed my coach, you know, which all felt as ****. Really for them all, when some of them were actually at court on his side testifying for him and then, you know, out come the tapes. Oh, they didn't know. They didn't know that came out and they didn't. But I didn't have to retaliate, you know, I had a great chat with my detective because one message got sent to quite a few members in my training squad. And of course they were on my side and came back to me with these messages and. We had a great chat and she just said they're going to do that. Don't worry about it. Just move past it. And and they were they were trying to blame me and and create
hurtful dishonest rumors about me and my family to try and tear us down. But you get that. You expect that, you know and again I relate it back to my running days. You know if you're the best on the track you're going to have enemies that. Want to do all they can to pin you down and make sure you don't win. So it gave my side more strength to be honest. How did your family respond?
They were heartbroken. I mean, I can't say anything more than. It just broke them. I know there's something in my dad that just died. The look, you know, in his eyes is just his sadness.
And they feel very much to blame.
And you know, one of the they have been fantastic. They've been supportive. They have really listened to me. They've allowed me my space. But. I remember a really great chat I had with my mom. And my mom was so upset because she said, oh, you know, we've let you down. And she was crying and
she thought they were the worst people on the planet, you know, And as anyone knows, especially, you know, I had a father that was a singer. He would work nights and. You know, my mom didn't drive and she had two younger siblings to look after as well. So my predator was the one that picked me up, dropped me off. He was always there. It was he was very manipulative, controlling and and I'm an opportunist, you know, he picked me and it can happen to anyone, you know, there's there's, it doesn't discriminate, you know, he chose me. But. The conversation I had with my mom was when she was so upset about everything and she let me down and I I had to apologize to her and she couldn't understand why. And this is a great part of my path to healing.
I had to apologize because I was such a little *** you know, when I was a teenager when at the anger. Even as an adult, you know, the tantrums, the, the vile things I'd say to them the nastiness, the anger. You know, because you know that's what we do. We we throw it at people we love, the people that are around us, they cop the brunt of our anger and and our pain. So I had to apologize to her and she said, well, we should be apologizing. If you want on earth, you're apologizing for and.
I was apologizing for my behavior. Despite what I've been through. I have no right to take it out on on good people, whether they're my family, whether they're friends, whether they're partners, whether they're a stranger. And I needed to get that in check and I needed to apologize for that. So I don't think she still fully understands that, but. You know, just because I've been sexually abused as a child and and I have been traumatized and I still live with trauma, you know, it's a battle every day. But that doesn't give me the right to hurt anyone else just because I can't deal with an emotion or a trigger or a flashback. So I've had to work very hard on that and I think going back to the. How do you start healing or where did that begin that that began also when I became accountable for how I was treating others in my life and I was treating them terribly, you know? And I can't take that back. All I can do from this day on is is better myself make amends and and work damn hard not to deliberately hurt someone just because I'm hurting.
Fair enough. I think I know a lot of times as victims of sexual abuse or survivors don't really like to use the word victim. We hurt our families and the people around us sometimes and
we we do some pretty terrible things and
it's really difficult. Yeah, I've said some horrible things, Rachel. And it's almost like sometimes, you know, you can cop a punch, you know, because you get a bruise and the bruise goes away. But words are cutting, man. And some of the things I've said to my parents,
you know, I forgive myself for saying those things because if I don't, I'm not going to be able to move on. In a positive way. But man, when you're going through the stuff that we've been through,
it's like you have no filter. It's like you have no concept of control. You don't understand it. You don't understand where this instant zero to 1,000,000 anger can come from, you know, so you. You're hurting yourself. You're hurting others around you that don't deserve it. But you you're kind of, you're kind of entitled, if that makes sense. Because you you, you're in this hell that you don't know how to get out of sometimes and you're just lashing out. But for me in particular and and you know, when I talk about my journey, it's it's my journey and I'm not here to. Suggest it works for everyone. But what has worked well for me is being sorry and and being accountable for the things that I've said because they're not justified, despite what I've been through.
They're not justified at all, you know,
The only thing that I guess is justified is that I. Felt like a a rat in a cage at times and I I had no out and sometimes you're out is is your words but then you know as you get older you realize those words really hurt and so yeah something I'm. I'm not overly proud of in my past and he's just another sad reminder and a a byproduct of. What I've been through as a child, what these animals, these predators do, they hurt us. And in, you know,
in a really unfair way, we hurt others, you know, when we don't mean to. And I think that that hurts me the most about what I've done to to good people around me is hurt them when I have no right to.
Yeah. Have you ever read the book Islander Healing of the Wounded Heart or The Wounded Heart?
No, I recommend that. I think. I think, well, they put it as and take out. There's the good girl, the party girl, and the mean girl. And I always kind of fell in between the good girl and the party girl.
So but you know and it shifts with time I think. And sometimes you can be all three.
I personally mean girl wasn't really my thing but I can understand. I mean it's it's one of the other
the other ways of acting out so. Yeah, I went more the the more promiscuous route, so to speak.
Yeah. And you're so right when you say there's. I think you move through all three of them at certain times and you might learn more towards and I think
I was always the class clown. Because if I laughed and made everyone else laugh, they wouldn't see too deep into my scars and my wounds. And I was always the good girl, too, because I was the champion runner and I wanted to be the best at everything. So I became this intense, perfectionist. But the mean girl, yeah, I mean, I was mean. I was mean to my parents, you know?
And yeah, that that's a big regret I have. But I have such a great relationship with them to this day that, you know,
I'm also a parent myself, you know, and I haven't had any horrible moments with my beautiful son, which has been fantastic, but
I know if he did do something. Down the track to hurt me and we're sorry for it. I understand how my parents feel. So there's always room for forgiveness, especially with people that we love. You know? So and that that's been great to have that from my parents. But yeah, I was definitely very mean girl to them. Fair enough. How has this impacted your career?
I change a lot in terms of I get bored easily. I've always mourned my running career. You know, I was the runner, I was going to be the runner and then when that suddenly goes you you're faced with, Oh well, what else do I have to do? But I'm the perfectionist, so you know, I've
I. I want to get things right. I want to be the best at them and I'm very, a very keen learner. So I'm constantly wanting to study new things and I'm very innovative, but very analytical as well. So there's that criminology, business, marketing mind, and then there's the creative side of. You know, makeup, I've done interior design, I've done acting, I've done script writing. I'm constantly on the going busy and that's part of, you know, that's been a huge effect because I don't know when to stop, I don't know when to slow down sometimes. Some people see it as a a positive. I'm starting to see it as a positive now, but I'm. Starting to focus a little bit more on things I really want to do because I enjoy them and love them rather than things just to keep me occupied and busy because I hate sleep, you know? Sleep has always been a big problem for me and I've gotten a lot better over the last couple of years, but if I go to sleep, I start thinking of him or. I'm afraid of the dark, so I like having lights and noise on in the house because it makes me feel like other people are around and if other people around he couldn't touch me. So it's it's funny, you know, the little things that I do. But having said that too, because I like to keep busy and I am a workaholic.
I constantly run on empty, but then, you know I have this anxiety that is quite rare too, because I'm explained to me that I was in this percentage where I go the opposite. Instead of it being taxing on my body, I I get this energy that just keeps going and going and going and I've been doing it for. 30 plus years now, so I'm only just learning to sort of slow it down a bit now, but you know, learning to trust people a lot more again and enjoy my surroundings and enjoy myself, that's giving a bit me a bit more peace and relaxation I guess. But yeah, it it's affected. My career, because
I mean I don't even have sick days at work. We were only just discussing this the other day with my boss. I've been at my current in my current role at the moment for two years and I haven't had a sick day. So
it makes me feel sick thinking if I was to miss a day of work. So I've got to find some balance. Definitely find some balance with. You know, my work, work and life balance, but I also love work. You know, work has always been an escapism for me, from from trauma, from anything that's upsetting me in life or causing me stress. It's like I have a new purpose, something to focus on and give everything to. Because running. You know, running was like that for me as well too. It was very it was tough, it was hard. But that's what you have to go through if you want, if you want to be a champion. And I had that discipline and dedication and I see a lot of those things come through in in my work ethic as well. So it can be a negative and but I'm, you know I'm starting to see a lot of positives too. My my work ethic is great and I think Rach, I'll always. I'll always be hired because I don't have sick days and I put 110% into my work, so I think it's affected my work in a positive way because I have something to channel my energy and passion into. How has this impacted your dating life?
Oh, next question. No, I'm joking.
It's impacted at. I look looking at it honestly now and realistically,
I'm a very loving partner. I'm a giver as well. I'm a bit of a people pleaser. I'm so loyal, it's not funny and I genuinely want to help.
Any partner that I've been in a relationship with, you know, whether it's financially, whether it's support or helping them achieve their goals and dreams, but I think how it's really affected relationships is that I have that
non emotional switch. I can be quite cold. I don't like touch.
I can be quite direct and cutting, always honest, you know, and that's one thing that I think a lot of my partners have actually liked about me. But and I'm independent, you know, I'm fiercely independent. So it's that same old
story of, you know, I don't need you, you know, I. I want to be needed. I want to need my partner, but I push them away because I've always lived with this well. I got through what I went through by myself and I don't need anyone. So I'm trying, trying to work on that at the moment and I am getting better, but
I think it's hard for partners because I think I make my partners feel inadequate at times, if I'm honest.
There's nothing that I feel or I think they feel that they can do for me because it's like I've, I've done it or I can do it or I don't need them to do it. So
that's something I need to work on because you know, we we all like to be needed and and I like to provide and help and look after my partners, but as soon as they try to do that with me.
The wall goes up and I don't need it. And yeah, so I think, yeah, I've pushed a lot of partners away.
I've also,
I know a lot of partners have had to deal with my nightmares. I have. Nightmares and I kick and I punch and thrash when I sleep and things like that talk in my sleep and sometimes I'm not aware of it and I'll be told the next morning you know.
So there's that and then then there's just that that coldness to me. You know I'm I'm the most loving giving partner towards them but as soon as they want to do something nice for me it's it's like I I. I don't know how to take it or accept it, so I kind of live this
separate life in a way. It's like I'm in a relationship, but I have this separate, separate, just holy and Holly doesn't need anyone. So that needs to change, not just for me to look into. Learning more about attachment styles, I think that would be helpful.
Okay, because it sounds like you're kind of a mix between anxious attachment and avoidant and you're commonly a little bit of both.
Yeah, Okay, I will definitely being the forever learner, jump into that and research. Yeah, I'm an anxious attachment and. So I get it, and I do sometimes do avoid it stuff. I definitely have an insecure attachment.
So that's just kind of probably why I'm not married at 34 or I'll be at 34 in two weeks.
Yeah, well, I'm. I've never. And it's funny because it's.
I've I've been engaged and you know, and and I have my son obviously that his father and I separated separated when he was two and great relationship you know we've coparented really well. But yeah there's just this
I've never found the right one you know or I've felt trapped.
And I don't like the thought that people might disappoint me, so I'd rather push that away and if I get disappointed, it's on my own time and it's me basically, so and I have myself to answer to, but. You know, I could be in an absolutely wonderful relationship right now with the love of my life. So we will see. We will see. With that pan. Fair enough.
How has this affected you? Thanks guys for listening. Holly will be back next week at 10:00 AM to tell the rest of her story on Central Time Zone. If you have any questions, reach out to Rachel on recovery.com. Always follow us on your favorite podcast platform or on social media and. You can always subscribe to us on YouTube. Thanks.
