Episode Transcript
Hi, this is Rachel. I'm recovery. We're back with Holly and she's going to tell the rest of her story.
I have always thought that just because one horrible person did what he did to me doesn't mean that I should raise my child not to trust.
I'm hyper vigilant with myself and and the things I do. But it's almost like when I had Jay, I
got to experience so many things with him and I think it's sometimes the things that you didn't have with your parents and not saying that I I had some wonderful things, you know, times and things with my parents. But I think I wanted to be more of a communicator with Joe and I wanted to talk more. I wanted him less pressure, you know, with with where he wanted to go and what he wanted to do with his life. And I just think, you know, and there's been some wonderful things that my parents have taught me and raised me with that I've been able to share with Jalen too and and nurture Jalen with. So
I think it's been really good because
he, in a very undirect way, made me appreciate myself, made me see that I wasn't just a runner, that I was a great mum, a mum that is very loving, very creative, that was very open to his feelings and opportunities and and that's all I could ever want. So it's definitely hasn't affected my and I think the fact he's a boy too. I think if I had a girl I might have been a nightmare, especially if she wanted to be a runner. But you know, I've I've just really enjoyed, you know, being a mum and being able to
allow my my child to have a thought and to experience things in his way and organically rather than become paranoid and and force my views and opinions on on this beautiful thing that's blossoming and developing. And I kind of just thought I never had a right to do that. You know, just because things turned out the way they did to me was unfortunate. Doesn't mean it was going to happen to my son. So that's been,
that's been a really great tool to help me. The past, my trauma in a lot of ways too, you know, having having to look after someone and be accountable and responsible for someone other than yourself. So it's helped me be less selfish with things
and and it's been beautiful to see how his life has played out. You know because he's a champion basketball player you know and has been we've never paid for high school. He's been on scholarships for high school and potentially heading off to America next year for college. So it's almost like I got to sort of hand the bat and to him where I left off, you know, thinking about going to America and pursuing my running. And now he's sort of got that opportunity to go to America and pursue his basketball dream. So that's been really nice and and comforting and just being able to see him get to great heights. I mean a lot great things for myself, but there's nothing better when you have a child and you can just help them get to where they want to get to. So you know, which is what my parents wanted to do with me and with running and unfortunately went it, it took a left turn. But now I I get to sort of experience what they went through and been in a great light.
Well, I haven't been. How has this impacted your SO
it look I've always done really well with jobs I've worked hard and and always pursued you know that I guess the degrees and the the qualifications that I've needed to pursue a specific area.
So it's it's affected my finances in the way that I have potentially been the breadwinner and a lot of my relationships because I do have that earning capacity. I also do love working. So you know, I've never been without a job. It's a little bit hard during the court time because I had some time off and things like that. But I'd probably say it's affected me in the way that I again like with relationships, I tend to be fiercely independent. I'm, I like to be the provider. I like to to give, I like to look after people. So you know and that could be that could be my you know, taking back a bit of control as well If I control my finances and keep everything abundant in that area
then I have some sense of control. But having said that too, you know, finances to me is is always been about, you know, paying the bills and things of that, but having the freedom to to create opportunities for myself to to travel, to experience different States and places and countries, but also to have that money there. If I want to pursue something that I'm interested in or that my son's interested in or whoever I'm with interested in, then it's there to do so.
Fair enough.
How is this? Sleeping is always been terrible, but having said that,
I don't get sick a lot.
I have had a problem with drink, you know, throughout my life. That has been one thing that I've actually finally admitted to myself recently
and I'm ten weeks sober today.
That's impacted my health because when you can't sleep, sometimes that's it. It just becomes like a form of medication. If I keep drinking, I'll be more relaxed and then I'll just go to sleep. But I've. I realized throughout stages of my life that it it's not healthy. It's not healthy for my mind, it's not healthy for my body. And again, it's just escaping the inevitable really, which is dealing with what I'm going through. So how have I been able to be sober this last 10 weeks? Because I simply admitted to myself that I had a problem and I didn't like feeling the way I was feeling. So
that's what's worked for me.
I'm so tired, you know, I find I run empty and I have run empty for so long,
but I don't know what it is. I just have this energy to keep going and that scares me sometimes, that down the track, you know, know, 5-10, fifteen, fifteen, years down the track, am I going to collapse? Am I going to? So I need to find ways to be more mindful.
But I do look at nutrition and I look at, you know, I was a top runner. I have a son that's an elite athlete. So we constantly look at nutrition and
vitamins and and benefits and things like that and exercise. So, you know, baby steps, you know, for me. But yeah, I do worry that it's going to take a toll down the track, not so much mentally, but I think, yeah, I really need to
watch alcohol and I need to watch
how much sleep I get, you know? And just being able to find ways to relax and unwind and and find some balance is going to be the key for me.
Fair enough.
How is this social life? Well it's it's impacted throughout, you know all the different stages of my life, you know as a bit of a prude as a teenager covering up, you know I didn't want to be the pretty girl, didn't want to be the hot girl,
very hyper vigilant at bars, you know never had a one night stand
very respectful of I guess the way I would dress. So it it kind of would put me on the outer but then there was party Holly that could out drink anyone have the opinions have the debate ready to go
So you know throughout different stages you know and as as you get older too I'm I'm the entertainer. I love cooking you know I love a red wine. I love Prosecco. So I love having people over and and creating great moments. I love food, you know, So
it I'd say it hasn't really affected my social life. And again because I do have that ever ready battery energy where I just keep going and going and going. But I'd say it, it did affect me when I was younger and and hiding away from men and being shy and covering up and and
not
not enjoying my body and who I was, you know, at a young age because of what I've been through. So there was no enjoyment in that sense.
How has this affected your long term mental health?
Well, really sort of what we discussed before about the anger that that to me is mental health. You know, I think a lot of people assume mental health is having a breakdown or losing it or being put on medication or you know, there's so many different levels of mental health. I I had a very unhealthy relationship with mental health because I was this is independent, perfectionist, very judgmental, very dismissive
of others and other people's opinions, very clinical and analytical. And the anger, I think anger is one thing that really consumes you mentally,
not knowing where to you. And this is The funny thing you don't you You take your blame out and your anger on people that you shouldn't. And then you kind of think, well, where should this be directed? Isn't that me? Or there's only one person that should be directed at the predator.
You know, after all these years that I've finally just realized that. So that is really consumed my mind for a long time, just this burden of blame and anger, so that that's affected me immensely with my mental health. But the good news is, you know, blaming and anger, you can find a direction and learn where to channel that and find other outlets to get rid of it because, you know, it's it's, it's just so toxic and silly to think that we can just rid ourselves of all of these things if we do one yoga session or one meditation or or just see a psychiatrist for a couple of sessions, you know, it's an ongoing battle, you know, And I've always likened it to things like bulimia or anorexia. You know, can you recover? Can you get better? Yes, but is it going to be an ongoing battle? Yes. But the battle doesn't have to be negative, You know, the battle could be, just could just mean that you, you try extra hard to look after yourself and be the best version of yourself every day. So, you know, I think people need to really understand that living with trauma, accepting it. And you don't accept it in the sense that, you know, I will never accept what happened to me as a child, but I accept that it didn't happen. And if I want a productive, healthy life
going forward, I'm going to have to continuously work on it. And that's a great thing, right? It's a really good thing that I'm constantly aware that I need to watch what I say. I need to look after my body, my mind. I need to ask for help, communicate more, you know? So yeah, Yeah.
To other victims out there, what advice would you want to give them?
Wow,
your story is your story, regardless of who believes you. You know, I went in to the police station thinking, are they going to believe me? How am I going to remember everything? Don't do that. Just trust yourself. Trust your gut. Trust your heart. Trust your mind regardless if you have support. Regardless, if anyone around you questions you or or doesn't think you're telling the truth, that's just life. We're gonna have people that are in our corner one minute or that aren't in our corner. The main thing is to believe in yourself. And you know, if you need to report or you wanna tell something someone about what you've gone through, do it when it is right for you. There is no magical age. There is no magical time and don't when you do report or you do ask for help, expect that all of your problems and questions are going to be answered because mine weren't. Despite the wonderful outcome I got, despite the wonderful love and support I got from my friends and family, despite the jury's verdict,
not all of my questions were answered and not all of my problems that I face every day have been fixed or have disappeared. So really appreciate yourself going through the journey
and realise that, you know, telling your story and telling your truth is what matters and that's going to slowly propel you forward. And yeah, just don't doubt this off, that's, that's the only thing I can say. And don't expect miracles, you know, I think the greatest miracle is, is that we're all, you know, capable of growth. We're still going to face traumas, other traumas in life, and we're still going to fail at certain things. But tomorrow's a brand new day and the sun always comes up, and as long as that happens, there's possibility and there's hope.
Yes, most definitely. What was the grooming process like?
My grooming process was very loving. This coach, probably for about 6 to 12 months, made sure he knew my family very well. He injected himself into not just my running, but my school life, my social life, what I would wear, what I should be eating. Very nurturing,
knowledgeable, you know, this guy was an expert. Well, he thought he was. Thought he was in the world of running.
Yeah, just very supportive. And then slowly things started turning. He saw the great bond I had with my dad. So it would be him trying to get me to go against what my dad would say because he was the coach and I should be listening to him now and and then would back me every time I my behaviour was bad towards my parents, you know, so
very narcissistic, very manipulative, but in a loving sense, you know, I was never told, don't tell anyone or your family will be hurt or you'll be hurt or It wasn't like that at all. It was almost sickly sweet, you know, It's almost like he thought he was my dad in one way and then I should be going to him. For advice on anything. And when you're that young and someone treats you as if you were an adult. I was very intelligent from a young age, you know, and that's one thing you did mention in the phone calls that the police were recording, which was he always thought of me as a lot older, you know, as sick as that sounds. But I think when you're a child and you have the backing of another adult saying no, you you're right. Holy. And you know, your parents were unfair to do that and stuff. It it became quite attractive to me to have someone back me. So and then of course, you know, you're about firing. You have this bond with someone that's your coach, not just on a running level, but he's helping you with homework. He's you know, making you dinner and because how convenient. His wife is a nurse and worked all hours. So he always had opportunistic times to get me alone, especially knowing that my mum didn't drive and my father had to work.
So the grooming process for me was very, which makes it harder. He tried to inject himself especially in the the first year in into my life in a very loving and supportive way. So you trust him. You know, especially at that age, you trust him. And then it's just unfathomable. You know, when that line gets crossed and you freeze and you don't know what to do?
Yes, most definitely. Last question, how has this impacted your faith?
Well, that's, yeah, that's an interesting question. I was brought up as a Catholic. We're not staunch Catholics, but I went to Catholic private schools and
I think it's impacted my face because for a long time, especially from late teens into early adulthood,
I didn't think I believed in God. I was angry. I was placing the blame on God. You know what? God would do that to a child, right? You know, that was always my my view. So for a long time I kind of pushed that away. And look, I don't even. I believe there is something there. I'm not spiritual. I'm not, you know, I I don't have any opinion really on faith. I believe God or someone gave me enough strength to continue on and to love myself enough to get to this point I'm at today. So it's challenged my faith and I think that
upon reflection, I challenged the wrong things about faith. And in the sense that I I was blaming a God where I was blaming, you know, a higher power. And again, the only person I should have blamed was the predator. So my face today is just in humanity, you know, I don't know where I'm going to go when I pass away.
I don't even like to think of it, to be honest, because I really, I love, I love Earth so much, you know? And I I think despite everything I've been through, there's so much beauty here on Earth and too many people that I love. So for me to even think about, you know, something higher than where I'm at right now is quite difficult. But I do have faith in humanity. I do have faith in people again and what affects me more now is people doing the right thing by themselves and by each other. And that's ways to me and you know, just no matter what I'm going through in life, there's always others going through way worse. And I think we all need to be really mindful of that because we can get in a really deep hole sometimes and consumed with our own trauma and tragedy. And there's so many people out there that wonderful people that bad things just happen to us sometimes, you know? And it's how we bounce back, how more resilient we become, how we're more open to listening and learning to ourselves and to other people. So faith right now means to me that you know we treat each other with respect and and we try every day to create a better life for ourselves and others, you know and and that's that's where my faith's at now. There's no blame
towards my parents towards anyone that I used to train with towards God or a Buddha or whatever religion. There's only blame to the predator, and
I don't even think about that blame anymore because that's just wasting my time and energy. You know, he is what he is. He needs to find some type of faith. But right now my faith is in others and and myself and and doing the right thing, you know. And when you do the right thing and you're accountable for your life
and you're honest,
that's faith,
OK. Is there anything else you'd like to add before we finish wrapping this up?
I think, I think we've covered it all. But you know, if there's one last thing I can say is that, you know, where we are at work in progress. You know, no matter how well you do it sometimes, you know, just remember that sometimes we are going to have those days and we are going to have setbacks and just get back up. You know, if I I like in my it's, it's crazy how much I like in my life now to a running race, you know, sometimes you're going to get tripped over, sometimes you're going to miss the start, sometimes you're going to lose the race, sometimes you're going to fall over. But you gotta keep training, right? And as you train, you get better and your times become faster and your results become better. So I think that's one thing that you know, I swear by these days is that, you know, just because I've got to 1 Notch doesn't mean I'm not going to go off to the side sometimes. But you can just keep climbing if you just keep getting back up and being resilient. And that that's that's me in a nutshell. Okay. All right, guys. Thanks for listening. This is Rachel on recovery, we're we're on your favorite podcast and we're on your favorite social media platforms. And always, if you want to follow us on YouTube,
thanks for listening TuneIn at 10:00 AM on Thursdays. Thanks.
