Episode Transcript
WEBVTT
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Hi, this is Rachel and recover
kind of special guest amber. She's a
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survivor of having a borderline mother.
I were just tell us a little bit
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about yourself. Hi, everybody,
my name is amber and I am a
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speech language pathologist. I'm twenty nine
and I am a survivor of a bpd
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mom. Today, in my answers
I'm going to keep kind of vague,
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not that my mom, you know, listen to any podcast, because I
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don't think she does. But on
that off chance and for my own personal
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anxiety's sake, I will just leave
out, you know, name specific places,
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but I will, you know,
describe the general consensus of what happened.
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But yeah, that's basically me.
Okay, Um, when did you
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realize something wasn't right with your mom? I've always had if shoes with my
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mom. The real issue started when
I was thirteen, which I'm not sure
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it's kind of if that's a typical
pattern for a bpd mom, but you
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know, that's when kids start to
develop independence. They want to, you
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know, develop their own identity and
kind of separate from their parents. But
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I finally started to get an inkling
that something was actually wrong in college.
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I remember specifically. There was one
night in Grad School I was actually it
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was pouring down rain. I was
in the parking lot of my church actually,
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and I was on the phone of
my aunt, who's actually my mom's
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sister, and I just remember sobbing, sobbing because I finally figured it out.
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My Mom's always had a ton of
relationship issues, you know, and
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but it's always their faults. She's
always the victim. So her entire family,
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her sister, she's never had a
good relationship with, she said,
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ever had pick a relationship with.
You know, it ebbs and flows with
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her coworkers and friendships as well.
Just you know, personal relationships have always
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ebbed and flowed and there's always been
these major issues. And you know,
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I've always had issues with her as
well, and so I remember kind of
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looking up different personality disorders or kind
of just mental health issues, and I
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discovered borderline personality disorder one day and
honestly, I kind of forget how all
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came about. I don't know if
I just typed my mom symptoms, because
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my mom is very all or nothing, you know. She'll go from zero
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to one hundred and, you know, point two seconds. So I don't
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know if I just typed in symptoms
and then borderline came up and then I
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read it and I was like,
oh my gosh, this is one hundred
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percent her. And you know,
when I compared and contrasted it to narcissism
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and other things too, but after
reading borderline, I was like this is
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a and so it was that night
when I was talking to my aunt,
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I was like this, this is
what she has. I just know what
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I was so confident about it.
Um, how was your mother's BEPD affecting
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your education? Well, I went
as far as I could for Grad School.
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I went clear across the country actually, and she later told me that
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I abandoned her. It's so that
was nice little comment. Just trying to,
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you know, get educated and also, you know, make a life
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for myself and, quote unquote,
you know I'm abandoning her, but I
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wanted to say it really has affected
my education. My Mom's a pretty driven
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person and so I mean, if
anything, it just motivated to me to
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be more educated. I don't I
don't know, but I don't think it
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really affected me that much other than
kind of that one comment and then me
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wanting to go very far away for
God school. How was this affected your
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ability to day? So I hated
cool out of you our systems, which
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I know is definitely a pattern of
people who have survived bpd. Parents did
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a lot of guys that you know, you feel like you're in a problem
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in the relationship, and I don't
even want to say relationship. I have
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not had long relationships with men,
typically at last between one month to three
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months. Really haven't gone past that
because I want to either freaked out.
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That would actually happened a lot in
college where I just would kind of go
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into this panic after about the third
deep and I would just be so worried
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about, you know, getting too
serious and then get it either getting my
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heartbroken or, worse, getting married
to that person and then finding out that
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they're not who I thought they were, that you know, they're a narcissist
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or they're a bad person inside.
I would just end it. But then
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I went on this long string of
dating just really narcissistic guys for longer than
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I should have and just feeling really
bad and that relationship and not feeling loved
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or expected. So, to answer
your question, I developed a very intense,
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avoided attachment style and then I've always
really struggled with a significant inferiority complex
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as well, which has affected my
confidence within a relationship. So, you
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know, dating a narcissist, they
always make you feel really good at the
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beginning and then they make you feel
bad, like once they have you on
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the hook, then that's when they're
like, you know, they start to
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take advantage of you and so but, you know, not having a lot
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of confidence, you're kind of it
just kind of left me feeling like I
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deserved it, I guess. But
now, after lots of therapy, I
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have ended that streak and have now
been dating a lot of really good guys,
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but still just kind of struggle.
So I just started actually with a
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new therapist to specializes in dating.
So I think that, I think that'll
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be really helpful for my recovery in
that area. Specifically. I'm always the
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anxious dating, the avoided. So
I get that it's a seriously, yeah,
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they really are. How has this
affected your career? So, like
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I said, it hasn't. It
hasn't affected my career really as a whole,
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but it did affect my first real
job out of Grad School. It
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was right around my parents divorce and
I started suffering from really, really,
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really severe depression. And so after
about the six months, I got let
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go for my first job, which
was not super affirming in the sense that,
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you know, I just got all
this education and it was like,
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am I even good at this?
So yeah, so I would say that
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that was probably the biggest part of
my life that was affected by maybebd bpd
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parent. So yeah, so and
during that those six months, that's when
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my depression and anxiety started to get
really, really severe and I hadn't realized
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it, and so I think it
definitely affected my work. So I can
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pretty much guarantee that I really was
not the best employee. I can pretty
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much guarantee it because I was just
so depressed that I was pretty much just
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not I wasn't functioning, but I
almost from an out of body experience,
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you know, I was just kind
of an autopilot, but I probably wasn't
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the most optimal and ply so I
don't fault my boss for letting me go,
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but it was definitely not it was
also a very toxic workplace, which
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didn't help my box was according to
my therapist at the time, I boss
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may have struggled with some sort of
mental health issue like bpd. She was
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very, very you know. She
would be highs and low. She would,
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you know, one day she would
love you, the next day she
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would hate you and talk about all
the, you know, the bad things
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you were doing in your job and
how incompetent you were and whatever maybe.
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And she got really personal to with
one of our therapists who was struggling with
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anxiety and her weight. She suggested
going to the gym and she gave her
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this exercise or diet book or something. And for me, she she had
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made some forget with you and work. She made some personal suggestion. She's
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like, you really struggle with confidence. You need to start working on that,
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and so she got really personal,
which is kind of inappropriate for a
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box to do. So I mean
it wasn't the best work situation in general,
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to be honest, but it definitely
was affected by my issues with Babd.
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I think I would have handled it
a lot better too. I just
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kind of was a pincushion for several
months and then finally stood up for myself
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and that's when she finally let me
go. She realized she couldn't control me
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because I finally would just had this
realization I'm like, Nope, you're not
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gonna you've been doing this to the
other therapists and you're not going to do
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it to me. So, but
that's probably been the the biggest time it's
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affected me. I would say their
most significant times. Effectively, you are
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more prone to end up in those
types of environments because of your past,
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I would say. So exactly.
I A therapists say one time that you
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you experience something over and over and
over again until you learn it. So
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I don't know if that's just kind
of a universe thing or if it's just
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we put ourselves and put those positions. We just naturally are in t you
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know, attracted to those types of
situations. I don't really know which one
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it is, but we definitely find
ourselves in situations with those kind of toxic
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people. More so, I think, for other people who don't suffer from
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those beauxperiences to US exactly. That's
what I reason. It's familiar, it's
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comfortable, it's what it's normal,
it's what we know. So it's what
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we're naturally attracted to. How is
this affected your own mental health? So,
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like I was explaining, I went
through a severe season of depression and
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anxiety. I actually was waking up
nightly with panic attacks for a while.
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So it would be like zero in
the morning. I'd be sound asleep and
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it took me, you know,
take me forever to fall asleep to begin
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with. Inside finally be asleep and
then, you know, in the middle
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of the night I wake up just
my heart racing, racing for no reason.
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I wasn't even really having anxious thoughts, I wasn't even really having a
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nightmare or anything. Just randomly I
would have these panic tacks and when they
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first started haffit happening, I thought
I had had a stroke, and so
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I I went to the doc dirt, actually went to the ER, and
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they did they did a couple tests
and they're like you're fine. I think
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we did a cat scan or something, but it was just something I had
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an experienced myself. And so yeah, so it was about the six months
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of severe, severe, severe depression
and anxiety to the point where I was
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very out of body, like I
was completely numb and it felt like I
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was looking at myself from up above, which I know some people have experienced.
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And then I had completely lost my
sense of taste. So every time
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I tasted food. It just tasted
like concrete and it was a very weird
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experience and I don't know if anyone's
ever experienced that before, but it legitimately
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just I can't even describe the taste. It just didn't have any taste anymore.
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And so, yeah, it wasn't
until a friend from back home noticed
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how bad I was and she actually
set me on the plane home, basically,
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which I'll explain a little bit more
in detail later, but that's what
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I was able to get on medication
and which definitely helped me. Medication,
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I don't believe is for everyone and
it's very circumstantial, but if you need
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it, you need it. So
yeah, and some medication. I've been
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on medication ever since and that has
dramatically changed life. Affected your physical health,
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including headaches. Um, I wouldn't
say it's affected my physical health too
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much. I get tension headaches,
but it's more related to poor posture than
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mental health. I believe it soundly
affected my sleep patterns. I feel tired
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most of the time, even if
I've had a or more hours of sleep,
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and that's something that I'm really really
focusing on this year and I'm trying
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to remedy with therapy and exercise and, you know, vitamins, especially vitamin
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D. I'm really love when Vitamin
D so I've been trying to take more
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of that. And then during my
initial experience of depression I did have symptoms
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of hypothyroidism. So I had love
and I'm going to forget the exact TMAH
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or TSh levels. I forget exactly
the the the letters. But so I
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was taking hypothyroid medication, lovel with
a rocks in, for a couple of
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years until my thyroid levels kind of
normalized. But other than that, I
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mean I probably eat more than I
should, you know, but that's nothing
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outside of that. Really, I
would say it has affected my physical health.
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Like some people that have borderling mothers
to have hyper thyroid problems. So
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you're not alone in that and that's
actually well, the thyroid controls almost everything
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to do with trauma. So yeah, that's kind of what I've read to
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you. So it does make sense
that a lot of my doctor said,
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you know, you'll never outgrow it, you'll never outgrow it. It's something
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that you're just going to live with. But my levels, I think we're
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so they weren't super extremely off.
I think it was just because of stress
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and everything and just what I was
dealing with with my bpd mom at the
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time that now with you know,
we're duced dressed and more managed anxiety.
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I think that you know because I've
gone my levels tested for the past couple
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years and they evolved in normal.
Now so that I have read that thyrid
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isshes are very, very common.
What has been the most helpful tool with
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dealing with a poor lying parent?
Boundaries, and I wrote this down night.
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Capitalized it's because founders are the hardest, hardest, hardest thing to do,
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but they are that definitely the most
worth while. So boundaries and a
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wants and lots of therapy, I
would say, after a lot of research.
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So I did a ton of research
when I kind of discovered this.
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I was always I started therapy when
I discovered my mom had issues, and
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then I started doing a ton of
research about borderline. I bought a ton
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of books. I'm sure a lot
of your listeners who had bept moms they've
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read the book understanding the borderling mother
my Christine and Lawson, which is like
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the libel of bbd. So that
really helped me. My mom is a
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queen mother with waife characteristics as well. So that's kind of a little bit
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about my mom. But but yeah, I finally just made the decision that
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I would keep her in my life
with a set of really stressed boundaries and
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if she continue to violate my boundaries, I would have to accept that she
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will no longer be in my life. So basically I came to understanding my
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mom is who she is. I, you know, tried therapy with her.
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We went to to therapy sessions and
it was disastrous. I went to
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actually she had gone to a therapist
a couple times. Going through her don't
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works and so I suggested going to
this therapist because she knew her and she
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was it was her therapist she had
gotten to a couple times and it was
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that therapist who literally looked at my
mom and was like, you know what,
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you have to make changes. Look
like you are the one who has
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to make changes, not your daughter
and then or your son. To my
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brother had come with us too,
and it was just disastrous. She actually
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recorded the session and later played it
for people, so that was I think
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she didn't know it was done secretly
in her purse. So yeah, so
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I finally accepted. You know,
I have done all the therapy I can,
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I've read all the books, I
have done everything on my end to
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try to remedy this and I've tried
talking to my mom about things. Every
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time I would bring up something to
my mom that had affected me, like
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one thing specifically was she definitely tried
to live vicariously through me and junior high
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in high school, and that was
a really, really big issue because it
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kind of just morphed our identities into
one. I never really was able to
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develop my own identity because she was
always covering and there and she wanted to
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just be a part of everything,
and that was something that I brought up
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to her that I really affected me
and you know, I think it was
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like a day or two later she
stormed into my room and was like,
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I can't believe you said that.
You're basically accusing me of being a terrible
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mother and I spent so much time
and money on you and you're accusing me
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of being a bad mother. And
all of a sudden my trauma, in
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my experience, was completely ignored and
it was all about hurt. So but
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yeah, so after trying to discuss
my issues with her, you know,
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have mature conversations thearchy, reading books, educated myself. I finally came to
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the realization that if she truly has
borderline, which I believe she does,
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I mean she's undiagnosed, she won't
with therapy, but she can't ever rationalize,
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she will never be able to rationalize
and there's something in her brain that's
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creating a brick wall that does not
allow for you. And if that's her
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fault, or it's not her fault, whatever the case may be, the
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reality if she can't. So I
just had to accept that. So I
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was like, like I was kind
of saying I had two options. Either
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I keep her in my life with
a set of strict boundaries, because that's
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the only way to protect myself,
or if she violates those boundaries and she's
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out of my life, and I
need to accept that too. So I
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kind of to accept that there might
be a time in my life I might
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not have a mom. And then
I also had to accept that my mom
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will never be the mom that I
had wanted, that I had seen in
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movies or I had seen my friends
grew up with, and she will never
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be that. And yes, it's
sad and yes, I've had to process
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that, but it does mean know
good to dwell on that for the rest
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of my life, because the reality
is that will never change. So wishing
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she was different, wishing she was
better, won't help me, you know,
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and it'll never help me succeed.
It will never help me get better
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because it will never change. You
know, wishing my dog was a cat
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does me no good because he can
never be a cat. You will always
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be a dog. So wishing my
mom with someone different than she is,
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it's just a fool's errand you know. So that's kind of then, I
247
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guess, my most helpful tool,
besides, I mean, but that's a
248
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tool that I kind of got to
you through therapy. So I would say
249
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therapy helped me get there, and
then obviously educating myself, and then groups
250
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are also helpful. We met in
a group zone resourced with borderlines. Yes,
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it's organization and it's free and they
have courses and all kinds of resources
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that are super helpful. And the
biggest thing, I feel like with any
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sort of trauma is having a community
of people. You talk about something,
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somebody else was like, yes,
I undertoo, stand exactly what you're going
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through. Because you can be so
isolating otherwise. HMM. Now, having
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groups, it's so helpful because it
really does a firm what you're going through
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too, because my my issue throughout
my whole life, kind of my current
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issue, to be honest, because
me and my mom have actually gone through
259
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a span of time where things have
been really good between us, and so
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during those times, I mean,
which is right now, we've been really,
261
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really good for quite a quite a
bit, a long stretch right now,
262
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and so those long stretches, though, make me question myself and I
263
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go back to this place of you
know, maybe I was wrong, like
264
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maybe it was me just being selfish
or I was just being a brat or
265
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whatever, or maybe I'm just being
dramatic or I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
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You know, my mom's really great. So it really helps to go
267
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to groups because it's a reminder like, okay, no, I wasn't wrong,
268
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I was, I was very right, and I have a group of
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people who also understand. And you
know, it's different, because every borderline
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mom is different. They have a
different characteristic. Like it lists in the
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book the Christine and lost in one
there's four different types right, four different
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types the queen, the Waif,
the witch and the hermit. Definitely a
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week. So everyone's like so,
yeah, she was. Your mom was
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okay, would same as I'm long
wief than Queen. Well, it just
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depended on the day. And then
the which occasionally came out. But I
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mean for the most part, most
border lines are never which is for very
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long, if ever. But yeah, I know the white chapter was a
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little hard for me to read because
that one does my mom didn't really have
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any which tendencies, but having a
witch mother would be pretty dramatic. Most
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most of them are either combination of
two and then the which occasionally comes out.
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They're very few, like majority,
which which is a very like minimal
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aspect, least what I read and
I understood, and I don't think a
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lot of children would even survive a
witch mother and they just didn't make it.
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Not so I was reading to and
that's why it was hard for me
285
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to read that chapter, because it
kind of seemed that way that a lot
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of kids wouldn't survive, which other
so perfect, but those are kind of
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00:24:25.809 --> 00:24:29.009
I mean those are the one offs
that you see on, you know,
288
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the documents, so which it's very
rare and luckily, course, something I
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00:24:34.970 --> 00:24:38.240
felt like sometimes she even had hermit
tendencies, but those were kind of rare
290
00:24:38.319 --> 00:24:42.640
to it. But but I feel
like those were just classifications. But I
291
00:24:42.839 --> 00:24:51.079
definitely say she's Waife and Queen.
So yeah, that being said, though,
292
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groups, you know, are helpful. Everyone's experience is going to be
293
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a little different because every mom is
going to have different characteristics and they're gonna
294
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you know, everyone's going to have
different experiences, but the majority, you
295
00:25:03.750 --> 00:25:07.940
know, the majority of symptoms are
the same, and so it's just nice
296
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to have a group to relate to
and you know, when you know,
297
00:25:12.460 --> 00:25:15.460
when you're having a hard day,
it's just nice to have someone to text.
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Like I have one person, soul
from the group thought will text me
299
00:25:18.859 --> 00:25:22.809
and be like I'm just having a
hard day or like I just need advice,
300
00:25:23.130 --> 00:25:27.329
and you know, it's just it's
just nice to have someone there you
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know completely understand. All right,
how has this impacted your finances? So
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finances, I also said that I
don't think it really has impacted my finances,
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00:25:45.960 --> 00:25:51.670
except for having to pay for therapy. Like I've been saying, therapy
304
00:25:51.789 --> 00:25:55.230
so important to me that I've always
paid out a pocket for a good therapist
305
00:25:55.390 --> 00:25:59.549
that fit my needs rather than just
going to one that was covered by my
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00:25:59.670 --> 00:26:06.259
insurance. Because the yeah, the
ones that I've I've encountered through insurance just
307
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haven't been super great and typically they're
really only there if you're suicidal, like
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00:26:11.579 --> 00:26:15.900
if you're going to if you're about
to kill yourself. That's what they're there
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for, and so from my experience, they haven't really been super helpful for,
310
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you know, actually gaining progress and
learning tools to kind of survive.
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So I've always stayed out of pocket, which is expensive. Mine is like
312
00:26:30.450 --> 00:26:37.079
a hundred fifty bucks, and so
I go every two weeks and you know,
313
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I haven't I'm in a pretty good
financial situation right now. I'm decent,
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like I'm able to pay my bills. I don't have much left over,
315
00:26:45.480 --> 00:26:48.190
but I'm able to pay my bills
right now. But even when I
316
00:26:48.910 --> 00:26:55.589
was less financially independent, it's always
been something that's very important to me because,
317
00:26:56.750 --> 00:26:59.950
you know, in the in our
life spy and you know, if
318
00:26:59.950 --> 00:27:06.059
I've got seventy, eighty years left
on this earth, I would rather be
319
00:27:06.299 --> 00:27:11.299
three hundred dollars poor every month to
get better early, you know, then
320
00:27:11.380 --> 00:27:14.700
to wait till I was fifty and
then decide I'm going to get better.
321
00:27:14.980 --> 00:27:17.650
You know, I just see that
as year as wasted. I'm like,
322
00:27:17.730 --> 00:27:22.210
I'd rather just get better now,
spend the money and, you know,
323
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if I have to skip out on
things that, you know, like getting
324
00:27:26.970 --> 00:27:30.000
my hair on or something, then
that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make to
325
00:27:30.119 --> 00:27:33.200
get better because I just I don't
like feeling miserable and I was miserable for
326
00:27:33.319 --> 00:27:38.319
so long and I just kind of
made that choice. I'm like, I'm
327
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going to be on this earth.
I you know, I have two choices.
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00:27:41.880 --> 00:27:45.589
I mean, they're going to be
on this earth and happy. We're
329
00:27:45.670 --> 00:27:49.589
not on this earth. So I'm
obviously not suicidal. So that's I'm not
330
00:27:49.670 --> 00:27:52.150
going to make that choice. So
if I don't make that choice, I'm
331
00:27:52.150 --> 00:27:55.670
going to be on the story that
I'm going to be alive. So I'm
332
00:27:55.670 --> 00:27:59.819
going to do my best to make
sure that I make it worthwhile for myself
333
00:27:59.859 --> 00:28:03.779
and then I'm not miserable and then
I'm actually happy and I find some joy.
334
00:28:03.420 --> 00:28:07.579
So it's not probably be the biggest
impact, I say, financially,
335
00:28:08.059 --> 00:28:14.410
other than I do struggle with Bein
shopping sometimes. I wouldn't say being shopping,
336
00:28:14.569 --> 00:28:17.769
like going not, I don't.
I don't go to the mall and
337
00:28:17.890 --> 00:28:22.970
spend a thousand bucks in one sitting, but I'm definitely not the most cautious
338
00:28:22.009 --> 00:28:27.480
when I comes to my credit card
sometimes. So that's something that I probably
339
00:28:27.480 --> 00:28:33.839
learned for my mom but I have
been trying to remedy. But yeah,
340
00:28:33.880 --> 00:28:41.119
a lot of different ways and different
outlets dealing with trauma in some sort of
341
00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:45.069
fashion, and shopping is definitely one. I think many of us are guilty
342
00:28:45.150 --> 00:28:53.150
of doing. Not all, but
it's a very common one. It's so
343
00:28:53.309 --> 00:28:56.740
easy, you know, especially with
Amazon and credit cards, it's like I
344
00:28:57.019 --> 00:29:03.019
need this, I'm gonna get it
so and you can get in an instant.
345
00:29:03.140 --> 00:29:07.460
You know, it's just so easy. So that's definitely been my struggle.
346
00:29:07.900 --> 00:29:12.210
But what I've been working on this
past year is really just being sitting
347
00:29:12.809 --> 00:29:17.130
and being still. I actually got
a tattoo for the first time and it
348
00:29:17.170 --> 00:29:22.170
says be still, be still and
know that I am God. has been
349
00:29:22.170 --> 00:29:27.160
a really important verse to me,
just like being still, being present,
350
00:29:29.079 --> 00:29:32.119
you know, almost meditating on your
blessings. I think has helped me,
351
00:29:32.319 --> 00:29:34.839
and I don't I'm not always got
about this, but sitting down and being
352
00:29:34.920 --> 00:29:37.829
like, listen, I'm a roof
over my head, I have, you
353
00:29:37.910 --> 00:29:42.869
know, great friends, I've got
a job that helps me afford groceries,
354
00:29:44.470 --> 00:29:48.029
you know, and I think the
more that I do that it helps me
355
00:29:48.150 --> 00:29:52.700
spend less because I'm more I'm more
just grateful for what I have rather than
356
00:29:53.099 --> 00:29:56.900
what I don't have. And I
remember people saying, you know, do
357
00:29:57.059 --> 00:30:02.420
a blessings list or do a gratitude
less every day. Therapist and suggested that
358
00:30:02.539 --> 00:30:06.380
to me and it just sounds annoying
to me and I don't think it's something
359
00:30:06.380 --> 00:30:08.089
you need to do on a daily
basis. I mean, they're definitely help
360
00:30:08.210 --> 00:30:11.609
if people did, but I don't
think it really works for me to do
361
00:30:11.769 --> 00:30:17.250
on a daily basis. But what
I am feeling like Super Spendy or super
362
00:30:17.450 --> 00:30:22.319
like I want all these things that
I don't have. That does help me
363
00:30:22.359 --> 00:30:23.559
a lot, just to kind of
sent me like, listen, I have
364
00:30:23.680 --> 00:30:29.359
a lot of great things that five
years ago I wanted, like five years
365
00:30:29.359 --> 00:30:32.799
ago I didn't have and this was
my dream and now I have it,
366
00:30:33.000 --> 00:30:37.069
and so I just really need to
be grateful and sit and and joy enjoy
367
00:30:37.190 --> 00:30:40.589
what I have, because I feel
like a lot of times espec actually our
368
00:30:40.670 --> 00:30:44.230
current generation, we don't really enjoy
what we have. We said they're wishing
369
00:30:44.589 --> 00:30:48.910
for things we don't have. Well, I think you know that we definitely
370
00:30:48.910 --> 00:30:57.940
have too much stuff in general,
especially in America. But yes, I
371
00:30:59.099 --> 00:31:04.130
do think think there's One lady.
She did a book. I can't remember
372
00:31:04.170 --> 00:31:10.049
any but it's on like you can
rewire your brain by being thick, like,
373
00:31:11.450 --> 00:31:17.369
by working on gratitude, like it
actually rewards your brain. So I
374
00:31:17.450 --> 00:31:19.559
don't know if doing it every day, but definitely making it may be part
375
00:31:19.680 --> 00:31:22.920
of your weekly routine of just being
like, Hey, I'm thankful for this
376
00:31:23.079 --> 00:31:26.720
and I'm thankful for this and God
is taken care of this and this,
377
00:31:27.720 --> 00:31:34.190
and I feel like that just is
helpful, especially if we're dealing with shopping
378
00:31:34.230 --> 00:31:40.869
addictions or just overspending in general,
because I mean not everything's addiction, even
379
00:31:40.910 --> 00:31:44.549
if you know you want to buy. Oh, I should have bought that,
380
00:31:44.829 --> 00:31:49.700
but I bought it because it was
fun. So so how has this
381
00:31:49.819 --> 00:32:02.769
impacted your social life? Confident and
social anxiety has been kind of two big
382
00:32:02.849 --> 00:32:07.369
ones. I would go first words
were I would get into and snxiety and
383
00:32:07.410 --> 00:32:13.569
large groups. So I often have
to excuse myself to the bathroom or I
384
00:32:13.569 --> 00:32:17.519
would just leave. I would even
stutter over my words and I'd almost have
385
00:32:17.680 --> 00:32:23.519
this blackout experience. We're just,
you know, my thoughts would just black
386
00:32:23.559 --> 00:32:28.519
out, they would just disappear and
almost be like a deer in the headlights
387
00:32:28.519 --> 00:32:36.190
kind of situation. So and that
actually still happens to me, but I'm
388
00:32:36.230 --> 00:32:40.789
just way better at managing it.
So I mean I still kind of I
389
00:32:40.869 --> 00:32:44.500
still get anxiety and large groups and
I still, you know, start to
390
00:32:44.539 --> 00:32:46.859
stutter over my words. So I
guess just how I manage it now is
391
00:32:46.900 --> 00:32:52.539
I just try to breathe and I
just try to pause and really think about
392
00:32:52.539 --> 00:32:55.220
my facts and what I'm about to
say, and that kind of helps me
393
00:32:57.339 --> 00:33:00.450
and that I just keep reminding myself. I'm like I'm okay, like I'm
394
00:33:00.529 --> 00:33:05.410
fine, and then by typically finding
someone in that group that I can talk
395
00:33:05.450 --> 00:33:10.569
to helps. But I'm definitely better
on one on one situations. So if
396
00:33:10.609 --> 00:33:15.319
I'm in large groups, like at
a party or at a church group or
397
00:33:15.440 --> 00:33:19.359
something, having just one person to
talk to typically will help me. But
398
00:33:19.759 --> 00:33:22.720
it's still something I struggle with,
but I'm better at managing yeah, I
399
00:33:22.759 --> 00:33:25.759
know that can be helpful for a
lot of people, especially you struggle with
400
00:33:25.839 --> 00:33:34.990
social so yeah, just I know, I mean I'm an extra bt,
401
00:33:35.029 --> 00:33:38.470
but I mean still sometimes I'm just
like I'd rather a small group of people
402
00:33:38.630 --> 00:33:46.940
than a big group because I can
sometimes feel overwhelming. Hmm, I'm actually
403
00:33:46.980 --> 00:33:52.099
I'm sure rot too, and I
remember, I think it was in Grad
404
00:33:52.140 --> 00:33:53.700
School, like that was really when
the this is, you know, a
405
00:33:53.740 --> 00:33:57.369
couple of years ago, maybe five
or five or six years ago, in
406
00:33:57.450 --> 00:34:00.289
personality tests were kind of the big
thing. I know they're still big now,
407
00:34:00.410 --> 00:34:04.890
but you know, the ennio Graham
and the Myers Briggs and everything is
408
00:34:04.930 --> 00:34:08.610
always been like extra for extrovert and
my friends have told me before that I'm
409
00:34:08.650 --> 00:34:13.960
the biggest extrovert that they know,
and I think it's a combination. I
410
00:34:14.119 --> 00:34:17.400
am very extroverted because I really do
get energy from other people, but a
411
00:34:17.519 --> 00:34:21.239
lot of it, I think,
Steven from codependence for a while too.
412
00:34:22.000 --> 00:34:25.349
So I was very codependent on people
and I really just obviously dependent on them
413
00:34:25.510 --> 00:34:34.829
for my emotional regulation, which I've
managed and kind of healed from more so.
414
00:34:36.389 --> 00:34:39.579
But I'm definitely extroverted and I remember
in Grad school like praying to God
415
00:34:39.659 --> 00:34:44.500
one day I was so upset.
I was like God, why did you
416
00:34:44.619 --> 00:34:52.369
make me an extrovert? Was Social
Anxiety like this song? Like I don't
417
00:34:52.449 --> 00:34:57.489
like being by myself. I get
no energy from being by myself. I've
418
00:34:57.610 --> 00:35:01.329
tried, but every time I'm with
people I get anxiety and it's just this
419
00:35:01.449 --> 00:35:07.599
stuff blodge sword, and so I
remember specifically like having a conversation, but
420
00:35:07.719 --> 00:35:14.960
I feel like I'm just pissed,
like this sucks. So, but obviously
421
00:35:15.079 --> 00:35:20.079
I'm better at managing my social anxiety
now and so I'm able to get to
422
00:35:20.199 --> 00:35:25.550
my energy from being with people without
also going into this ancients anxiousness. You
423
00:35:25.630 --> 00:35:31.269
know. Next question. What advice
would you give children with burdoline? Parents,
424
00:35:36.900 --> 00:35:42.139
boundaries, which, again I capitalized
and underlined when I was taking notes,
425
00:35:43.500 --> 00:35:47.579
and lots of lots of therapy.
But really a lot of people say
426
00:35:47.619 --> 00:35:52.650
therapies the answer, but it's it's
not just therapy that is the answer,
427
00:35:52.730 --> 00:35:55.409
in my opinion, it's the mindset. You really really have to want to
428
00:35:55.969 --> 00:36:00.289
get better and you really have to
follow throughout the advice from your therapist,
429
00:36:01.409 --> 00:36:05.920
like you have to understand that you're
learning all the things you didn't know.
430
00:36:06.119 --> 00:36:09.159
You didn't know and you're relearning a
lot of things about regular life that you
431
00:36:09.320 --> 00:36:15.599
thought were normal, but aren't.
They're not normal. It's not normal to
432
00:36:15.679 --> 00:36:20.750
have, you know, super dysfunctional, stressful childhood. That's not normal.
433
00:36:20.909 --> 00:36:27.389
That's not how it was designed to
be and you'll never ever get better if
434
00:36:27.389 --> 00:36:30.429
you're not open to the process.
So if you just go into therapy,
435
00:36:30.510 --> 00:36:34.420
he if you go in the therapy
thinking make it's, you know, it's
436
00:36:34.460 --> 00:36:38.219
like, you know, a quick
fix. Yeah, exactly, like like
437
00:36:39.099 --> 00:36:43.820
the Physical Act of going to therapy
is the solution, and it's not.
438
00:36:44.139 --> 00:36:49.329
It's actually listening to what they have
to say and because you have to redevelop,
439
00:36:49.449 --> 00:36:51.690
like you were saying, have to
rewire your brain and you have to
440
00:36:51.849 --> 00:36:55.690
re develop these thinking patterns that you've
had your whole life and you have to
441
00:36:55.769 --> 00:37:01.639
have tools for dealing with your struggles, like anxiety or social anxiety or depression.
442
00:37:02.119 --> 00:37:07.119
You have to have tools in your
tool box or else you're really just
443
00:37:07.280 --> 00:37:09.280
not going to recover. And that's
what therapy really does. It gives you
444
00:37:09.400 --> 00:37:14.800
tools for your tool box so that
when you know you're having a panic attack,
445
00:37:15.000 --> 00:37:17.030
you can take one of those tools
and you can be like, okay,
446
00:37:17.070 --> 00:37:20.510
I'm going to use this and then
this is going to help me kind
447
00:37:20.550 --> 00:37:24.989
of get back to equilibrium, you
know. And there fires have tons of
448
00:37:25.150 --> 00:37:30.300
different, you know, tips and
tricks and it's so different for everybody on
449
00:37:30.539 --> 00:37:32.260
what is going to be helpful for
them. You know, they have the
450
00:37:32.420 --> 00:37:38.179
five this is the five senses one. It's like look for five things through
451
00:37:38.340 --> 00:37:43.099
here, here for thing, I
forget what it is. Yeah, some
452
00:37:43.420 --> 00:37:47.809
like that do kind of down deal. So there's tons of times grounding exercises.
453
00:37:49.289 --> 00:37:52.010
There's tons of tips and checks,
though, that all use. And
454
00:37:52.969 --> 00:38:00.280
but again it's just that mindset of
wanting to get better and you're just realizing
455
00:38:00.320 --> 00:38:01.960
again, like what I was saying
earlier, do you want to live the
456
00:38:02.079 --> 00:38:08.559
next sixty, seventy years of your
life miserable? Like no, and I
457
00:38:08.679 --> 00:38:12.760
think for a while I didn't think
I deserved it. I think I struggled
458
00:38:12.800 --> 00:38:15.829
with feeling feeling like I didn't deserve
it. I really struggled. So I
459
00:38:15.909 --> 00:38:22.829
grew up Christian and I think I
struggled for a bit with the whole you
460
00:38:22.909 --> 00:38:29.179
know, I shouldn't, I shouldn't
complain about anything because I don't live in
461
00:38:29.219 --> 00:38:31.260
a mud hut and, you know, the middle of the desert or something,
462
00:38:31.900 --> 00:38:35.739
you know, like in a third
world country, I don't have to
463
00:38:35.820 --> 00:38:40.420
walk a mile from water, and
so I think that I just developed this
464
00:38:42.329 --> 00:38:45.329
mindset in my head that, because
I didn't have to struggle on that level.
465
00:38:46.170 --> 00:38:49.929
You know, I wasn't living on
the streets, I had a home.
466
00:38:50.409 --> 00:38:52.210
From the outside looking in, my
life looked pretty perfect. It had
467
00:38:52.250 --> 00:38:58.199
a really Nice House and I had, you know, nice looking parents who,
468
00:38:58.440 --> 00:39:00.480
you know, for the most part, treated me really nicely and they
469
00:39:00.519 --> 00:39:04.559
took care of me, and so
I think for a while I didn't feel
470
00:39:04.559 --> 00:39:10.710
that I deserved to complain. And
so I think getting to the point where
471
00:39:10.750 --> 00:39:16.349
I realized, you know, like
everyone is on a different journey and I
472
00:39:16.469 --> 00:39:22.070
think I read somewhere to you that
they did like a happiness study and there
473
00:39:22.110 --> 00:39:29.260
were people in Third World countries that
were way happier than people who were millionaires.
474
00:39:30.059 --> 00:39:34.219
And so I finally got to the
realization that it really isn't happiness and
475
00:39:34.340 --> 00:39:38.090
joy isn't measured by stuff, it's
not measured by what your life looks like
476
00:39:38.289 --> 00:39:44.969
from the outside, and everyone's going
to have a different journey. So I
477
00:39:45.050 --> 00:39:46.849
mean we're all going to have a
different problem to fix and our own lives
478
00:39:46.929 --> 00:39:52.639
and we're all going to have a
different journey and they're not. They're not
479
00:39:52.880 --> 00:39:58.920
like, equally compared to each other. So just because you know my life,
480
00:39:58.920 --> 00:40:04.159
I can't equally compare my struggle to
a millionaire struggle, to, for
481
00:40:04.320 --> 00:40:07.750
to a person with a third world
countries struggle. You know, we're all
482
00:40:07.949 --> 00:40:13.590
equally deserving of happiness and that's going
to look different for all of us.
483
00:40:14.150 --> 00:40:17.230
So I think, once I finally
got into that realization, to that I
484
00:40:17.429 --> 00:40:22.619
deserve happiness, I deserve to have
joy and that, you know, just
485
00:40:22.860 --> 00:40:24.340
like I want my friend, you
know, I want my friends to have
486
00:40:24.500 --> 00:40:29.099
such a great life and I believe
that God wants us to have a good
487
00:40:29.139 --> 00:40:32.820
life and just like I believe that
you know my friend, I'll just say,
488
00:40:32.900 --> 00:40:36.250
like my friend Joe, just call. I don't have a friend Joe,
489
00:40:36.409 --> 00:40:39.889
but and you know, God wants
Joe's life to be amazing and fulfilling
490
00:40:40.010 --> 00:40:44.409
and have purpose and just left.
As much as he cares about Joe,
491
00:40:44.849 --> 00:40:47.730
he hears about me, and so
I think that that's also what helped me
492
00:40:47.889 --> 00:40:52.480
to was like, he really does
care just as much about me. So
493
00:40:52.639 --> 00:40:57.480
why am I discrediting myself so much? Why am I why do I not
494
00:40:57.599 --> 00:41:00.519
feel worthy? Because I am worthy, and it's not because I kind of
495
00:41:00.559 --> 00:41:06.070
anything I've done. It's just I'm
a human and we're all equal and we
496
00:41:06.230 --> 00:41:10.510
all are equally deserving of happiness.
So I think also getting to that point
497
00:41:12.070 --> 00:41:15.710
of understanding, like you deserve to
get better, you deserve to live a
498
00:41:15.750 --> 00:41:22.300
fulfilled life, and you had no
control over where you were born, what
499
00:41:22.500 --> 00:41:25.420
color you were born, who we
were born to like, who your parents
500
00:41:25.460 --> 00:41:30.659
are. Zero control over that.
The only thing you do have control over
501
00:41:30.820 --> 00:41:35.849
is what you do with the current
your current life. So I also don't
502
00:41:35.849 --> 00:41:42.010
like I also don't like whiners.
Like whining really bothers me unless you have
503
00:41:42.130 --> 00:41:44.409
a solution for it, like,
and I when I say whiners, I
504
00:41:44.489 --> 00:41:46.010
just mean the people who are always
playing the victim. They're like, my
505
00:41:46.159 --> 00:41:52.239
life, thugs and the like.
You know, there's just always another problem,
506
00:41:52.800 --> 00:41:58.320
but then then I'm really never working
towards fixing it. So my idea
507
00:41:58.400 --> 00:42:01.469
is that, like, if you
have problems in your life, like your
508
00:42:01.670 --> 00:42:06.429
you should you should actively be trying
to fix it and make it better.
509
00:42:07.230 --> 00:42:12.670
So I'm going to forget right I
was going with. It's but, like,
510
00:42:13.909 --> 00:42:15.300
yes, it's not your fault.
What happened to you in the past,
511
00:42:16.179 --> 00:42:22.659
but it is your responsibility once you
have of the understanding that there is
512
00:42:22.699 --> 00:42:29.219
a problem. It's your responsibility at
that point to move forward and work towards
513
00:42:29.260 --> 00:42:31.530
a resolution for yourself. Yes,
it's that kind of makes sense. A
514
00:42:31.610 --> 00:42:39.210
plant add to it as yea thing
as you learn more, because I feel
515
00:42:39.210 --> 00:42:44.760
like with any sort of recovery with
trauma, you're always learning. Oh,
516
00:42:44.960 --> 00:42:46.760
this is something new I can try, and does it work for you?
517
00:42:46.960 --> 00:42:51.760
Maybe, maybe not. You know, I tried all kinds of different things
518
00:42:51.920 --> 00:42:57.239
with my trauma recovery. So and
I always encourage people. Hey, you
519
00:42:57.360 --> 00:43:00.469
know, it may not work for
you, but it may. It might
520
00:43:00.630 --> 00:43:08.230
just change your life exactly, and
it is one hundred percent not your fault
521
00:43:08.429 --> 00:43:14.219
what happened to you during your childhood
or whatever, whatever people's trauma is.
522
00:43:14.260 --> 00:43:17.420
It's not their fault that something happened
to them, but it is their responsibility.
523
00:43:17.460 --> 00:43:20.780
In my opinion, or at least
for how I say it, in
524
00:43:20.860 --> 00:43:27.489
my life, it's my responsibility to
learn from it and move forward with my
525
00:43:27.690 --> 00:43:32.730
life in a responsible way. I
guess it's like to kind of take ownership.
526
00:43:32.849 --> 00:43:36.730
Like, listen, this is what
I struggle with. It wasn't my
527
00:43:36.849 --> 00:43:40.329
fault, but I'm not going to
stay this way because I'm an adult,
528
00:43:42.000 --> 00:43:44.840
I have a brain, you know, I've been blessed with a healthy body,
529
00:43:44.840 --> 00:43:51.159
I've been blessed with a healthy brain
and it's my job now to learn
530
00:43:51.199 --> 00:43:54.519
from this experience and grow from it
and become a better person and more fulfilled
531
00:43:54.559 --> 00:43:59.829
in my life. So, because
if I just were to stay a victim
532
00:43:59.909 --> 00:44:04.190
my whole life, then that's not
my mom's fault. Like if I wanted
533
00:44:04.230 --> 00:44:06.710
to just sproute, you know,
every day I don't get out of bed
534
00:44:06.869 --> 00:44:09.420
because, you know, my mom
was mean to me when I was a
535
00:44:09.460 --> 00:44:14.260
little like that's not that's not going
to help me at all, you know.
536
00:44:14.579 --> 00:44:17.099
So I think I think that that's
just kind of my perspective, which
537
00:44:17.300 --> 00:44:22.500
might not be everyone's perspective, but
I think it's just a kind of been
538
00:44:22.579 --> 00:44:25.650
my motivation really to get better though
too. Well, thanks for coming on
539
00:44:25.769 --> 00:44:35.889
our show and thanks for answering all
our questions, because a lot of us
540
00:44:35.889 --> 00:44:43.159
are struggling with the borderline mother or
borderline father, whichever people are struggling with.
541
00:44:44.840 --> 00:44:51.079
But thanks for listening and amber maybe
we'll come back when a follow up
542
00:44:51.079 --> 00:44:55.670
in a few months, maybe a
couple years. Who knows all right.
543
00:44:55.949 --> 00:45:01.030
Thanks listening. You can always follow
us on spotify or audible or apple or
544
00:45:01.150 --> 00:45:07.260
Google, and then you can always
come to her website at wwe ritual on
545
00:45:07.380 --> 00:45:08.300
recoverycom. Thanks for listening.
