Episode Transcript
Hi, this is Rachel on recovery special guest Marika. And she's from Australia, so I think she's our first guest from Australia. So tell us a little bit about yourself, everybody. I am Marika Co survivor to thrive, a coach and I help women who've been through abuse to rediscover their authentic self and set healthy boundaries in their relationship. Rachel, thanks for having me. I am just honored to be on your show.
That's awesome. All right, so we're going to go into some of the questions.
What things have you done to recover from being sexually abused first? I think for me, I've been through a few therapists in my life, but to be honest, I started to forgive the person that abused me. And then I started to write out my whole story because one of the therapists said. You must write down the story and tell everything that happened to you. And that is how I felt that the more I shared it or wrote it down, the more I felt OK. The story is it's getting easier. It's almost getting it every day. It's getting easier to and easier to tell my story. But I was lucky enough to, at the age of 17, I had that courage to go to the social worker and say, you know what, I want to. I don't know what to tell, what is the word in English, but I want to get the police so that I can just say to them, there's my story, this is what happened to me. And because I am done, and that day the detective said to me, America, your cycle breaker, you've just broken this cycle. And I never understood that cycle thing. But you're Fast forward 30 years or 16 years later. I do know. What it means to be a cycle breaker? What it means to be sent to break all the generational cases. So I hope that answer your question. OK
what has been the most helpful? I must say my husband, I was very, very, very privileged to make my husband when I was 17. So he was with me, I was in my and we've met and he was with me every step of the way. He was my support. He was he was the punching bag when I had my nervous breakdown. Because when we are sexually abused and you can come from a home where there is cheating and dishonesty, you as a survivor are searching for reasons not to trust your husband. Because I was always labeled, people labeled me with the words that you will never find a loyal husband. And that was stuck in my mind that I will never find a loyal husband. So I was always searching for faults and and being like if he's 5 minutes late I wanted to know where are you? Are you cheating on me? I was like paranoid and but luckily my husband is my biggest supporter. He's been with me for for 16 years now and I I don't think I would ever could have done it without him. Like he was just there and he's still just there supporting me and encouraging me to tell my story because some of the our friends said but Marica onto Friday, the people is going to think that Vela, my husband, is the one that's abusing you. And I'm like, no, no they don't. I don't think they will think that
that's awesome that he's such a supporter. How did your family respond? That is another thing. And first of all, I was, I was 17 years old and then they said that they didn't believe me. To be honest, for five years I didn't spoke to my sisters. Yeah, just everyone just went into their corners or into their houses and looked and shut me out. Like my mom and my husband were the only ones that were really there for me because my mom knew. But my mom also have been through things that was bad. And it's but that's her story to tell. But I do know that because I was mad at my mom because I was like, can't you see what he's doing to me? Can't you see it? And I was like screaming and I was like trying to, you know, when you are in charge, you want to give them his like hello, there's a red flag, please, and see these things. But I do know that. My mom couldn't see it because for her it was normal because she has been through it as herself as a child too. So for her she didn't know how to handle it because she still had to do some healing work. But luckily we are cycle Breakers. We are yet to break all the generational characters that we and it's hard for us as cycle Breakers to change our whole DNA and. Reset our buttons. I know for me is trusting my husband, being a perfect, not a perfect mom, but not doing the same things that I was going through as a child with my child. So yo,
how did your community respond? It was a small town. We. I'm already from South Africa, so I've moved to Australia three years ago and. The community, they all knew. They all really knew. But you know what? I think it's a generational thing that you must be quiet. You mustn't tell anyone what's going on in your house. You must be quiet. No one needs to know what's going on in your house. What will the people think? I know that I when I started to tell my story, we're like, what will the people think now that you have told me? And I'm like, I don't care. I'm 17 years old. I don't care. I am ready to tell my story because I have two two younger sisters and I wanted to be their example. I wanted to show them and my mom, I still remember I was 17 years old and the day before my dad punched my mom so hard and I went off to school. I went to her, to the to her work, and I said, mom, are you aren't you tired of this? Aren't you tired of this abuse? And she said yes. And that's when I decided to. Go to the social worker and tell my story because I had enough. I honestly had enough. And it was just, I think something just said, I like my husband. I like my husband. And it was like he had that strength that I needed and that support and that stability in my life that I needed. And I think that's where the courage just came from. And I was like, no, I'm done. I don't care what the community say. Yes, there was a few. Community members that knew my story but they have been quiet for so long. I know they were teachers that knew it but they didn't want to speak up and that's something that is so sad because they could have prevent it from going on until I was 17 years old. But that's another story. But. Or the community. I feel like it's a generational thing, that people was in a place where you couldn't speak up, you couldn't say the things, because what would the other people say? And now luckily we are in a generation where we can speak up and we can share our stories and there is support. Now there might not be support in your community or in your family or in your close
friends, but there's support online. I mean podcast people like you, who is. Doing the things so that we can have a community to say, you know what, we have a voice, we can do it together. We don't have to be alone. We have our tribe and that's all good. That's all good. To have someone or a support system, even if you don't know the people, there is always a support system.
That's awesome.
How did was there any re victimization or victim blaming? No. For me it was like honestly I have never used my past as a victim of. I feel like I'm an old soul. I don't know why, but I have never used my past as a victim. I have never said because that happened to me. I don't have an opportunity in life I don't have. I can't have a.
Can't. I will always be aware or
I don't think you let me, let me explain revictimization. Was there anybody in your community that you felt used the information and took your dad's side, the master detector? He said. I asked for it when I went to gave the claim and he was like you asked for it. That's why it happened.
Yes,
OK. I mean or did any like were you shunned any as of you know when you spoke out,
OK, that's what you know or you know other than him there was no, you know nobody else blamed you for the abuse. It was just him that all said to me that of all. And that's that was just like, oh, OK, I was a child, but OK,
OK all right. How has this impacted your career? I'm just saying for me, I I was always a hard worker. So I was like, I didn't didn't want to because we grew up very poor and I said to myself, never in my life again. Will I be in a situation where I don't have money, to be honest? And I have was two days after my year and I started to work and I've never stopped working. And I've been. I was a hard worker and I've leveled up in all the places that I've been through and I've learned so much and now I can honestly say I've used those tools to create my own business. And yes, in my business I am using it as a strong foundation. My past is a strong foundation to build my empire because that is something that happened to me. I was strong, it was trauma, but it didn't traumatize me for life. It was things that had to happen so that I can be the one. I'm the chosen 1 to tell my story and to be a support system for other women. And that is something that is just stuck in my mind and my goal. I need to help other women. I need to be the survival guide. I need to be the voice for them. And I think that is just. Driven from me for the last 16 years. That's what's driving me to do what I'm doing.
OK, how is this? How did this impact your dating life? My goodness, that's before you were married. To be honest, I was. I was always feeling like I didn't have a boyfriend because all of them was afraid of my dad, to be honest. But I have. I don't know what you call it English, but I was just like. Not one night stands, but people were just like I would kiss them and that was it. But I had never had a relationship where I felt it. For me it was like I was thinking that I was fighting them for not being their girlfriends and. Or being, yeah, I don't know, I was not. But I like like I said, I was happy I beat my husband when I was 17 years old and he's the only one that I've ever been with. After everything that happened, so but it did, it did, it did affect our relationship because he was the punching bag. He was the one that I always was struggling to trust. I really struggled with trust issues with my husband and he sometimes he couldn't understand why I was feeling like this why I. Why? I was like angry and Oh my goodness, I was living on anger. I was just always ready for for argument. But luckily I grew up
part of healing too,
you know? And I think that happens in a lot of marriages. We've had a lot of people on our show. We've even had like significant others, you know, on our show and how it's impacted their relationship.
So that's actually pretty standard, especially if you haven't worked through your stuff before you're married. And at 17 it's hard to work through that stuff without really even to find the resources.
How is, I mean I think we've talked about how it's impacted your marriage. Do you want to go into any more detail on that? The only thing that I have lent in the last three years after moving to Australia was that I didn't need to seek. I had to leave my 16 year old on my 30th birthday. We left to Australia and that's the day that I've decided to leave my 16 year old vulnerable media at South in South Africa at the airport. Because for 30 years I was always feeling like a people's pleaser and I was like needing to seek validation in someone else to know my own worth. But for the last three years, moving to Australia, I already discovered the way through the end and Oh my goodness, I love myself. I love the way who I am. I needed to do some ripping off labels of the people. I've put up so many labels on that on my body. And now my husband and my relationship is just more open because I don't need to seek for validation to know my worth in him. And I trust him more. Not I trust him fully, but I did never. I always said if he marries me, he loves me. If he gives me, if he gives me a child, he loves me. And now I am at this point in my life where I don't need to be afraid that he's going to cheat on me or. Anything like that, because I know my worth and he knows he's worth. And together we are just stronger and we are like balancing each other out. So that's a good thing.
Well, that's awesome. And I'm, you know, you are so lucky to find a good guy like that.
How has this impacted your, how has this affected your parenting? That was a stressful thing, to be honest, because they gave me the starless baby. They put it on my chest, they put him on my chest, and I was like, Oh my goodness, whatever. I have to do with this. And for the first four years, it was like, I was just like awesome, awesome Mom. I just wanted to spend time with him and things. And then he hit, he was four. And then suddenly. I was starting to say to push him away. I was really starting to push him away. So like he couldn't cut, he couldn't cut on me. He couldn't hurt me because I was being so afraid that there was maybe a monster inside of me and I would hurt my child. So I was just pushing him away and say no, I don't like hugs or anything, just staying there and that's when. One of my best friends or good friends, said Marika. That is why it was happening on at this stage in your life when you were a child. That is why you are pushing him away. And so yeah, all the trauma and things, but I I learned how to read books and how to because personal development is something that I'm very into the last three years, especially my mind, I can think and now I don't still don't like him. Bothering me all the time. But I am making notice that he likes to be covered. So I will give him a hug and I will kiss him on his forehead and that's all good. But it was for me hard to not. Because sometimes I would hear my mom in my voice. I would hear my dad in my voice. I would hear my grandma in my voice. And it was something that no, no, no, no, no. I was saying to break generational and that's something that I'm reminding myself each day. I was saying to break generation that means. I can't repeat old habits. I can't repeat the boss. I need to find ways, and it's hard. It's really hard to feel like you're a good mom and that you're doing the best that you can for him. But you know there is. We just need to go on and move on and get better every day.
Marikat will be back next week at 10:00 AM for the next Part 2. And always thanks for listening to Rachel on recovery. TuneIn to us on your favorite podcast. Follow us on your favorite social media platform. And if you have any questions, reach out to Rachel on recovery.com. And we are on YouTube if you would like to subscribe and follow. Thanks.
