Episode Transcript
WEBVTT
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Hi, this is Rachel and Recamber. We've got two special guests with us
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today, David and Linda Pittman.
They're gonna tell us a little bit about
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themselves and then we're going to talk
about what it's like to be married with
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being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. All right, David, Linda,
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tell us a little bit about yourselves. Who wants to go first? Yes,
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Um, we're David and Linda Pittman. We are originally fit well,
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originally a couple different, but we
grew up in the same city in Tucker,
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Georgia, which is suburb Atlanta,
and we now live in Jensen Beach,
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Florida, which is on the southeast
coast. UM we UM have a
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nonprofit called Together We Heal UM that
we both do. We worked with and
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four UM. I also worked for
an organization called Grace. Both organizations have
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to do with sexual abuse. UM. Grace has is moral the investigator has
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a whole arm for the investigative side
and for them. I do a lot
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of teaching and instruction on how to
respond UM, how to prevent UM.
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And with Together We Heal it is
more one on one with sexual abew survivors
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and their families, whether it's connecting, you know, getting them connected to
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resources, getting getting connected to UM
trauma informed therapist, just just a number
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of things. And and also we
teach you on the teaching side and together
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we heal where we will UM work
with churches, civic organizations, even just
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a homeful of parents. They just
want to know, Hey, how do
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I talk to my kids about sexual
abuse? And and what are these these
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things that we can the flags that
we can be aware? Okay, anything
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else you'd like to add, Linda, So, David and I are both,
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as you know, Rachel survivors.
UM. We are high school sweethearts,
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and neither one of us knew that
our abuse had taken place, was
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you know, when we were in
high school. Um, and not until
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about twenty five years later that we
started then going out again, and that
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it has, um, it creeped
its ugly head up and then and we
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have been able to mentor each other, talked to each other. It's just
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been great in the sense of having
a spotial figure to talk to about this.
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Okay, well, let's let's get
into the questions. UM, how
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did you guys meet in high school? Oh? Gosh, I think they
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had had the same class together.
Um, whether it's mutual friends, hanging
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out, liking to go and do
a lot of the same things. And
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so David invited me to a homecoming
dance and sparked from there. So we
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dated for a while. Okay,
I went off to college and she went
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off and got married. Had two
kids on my own, and which they
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are so loving towards David, and
he is well to them. It's like,
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you know, they look like David
too, which kind of tells you,
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all right, we've just gotta tie
for a guy, right see,
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we just he just means he he
was he's handsome also, right, fair
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enough, Hey, we all have
we all have our types. You guys
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were both married before. How did
how did your childhood sexual abuse affect your
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first marriages? For me, it's
part of the reason why I think ultimately
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every relationship that I had prior to
Linda failed. Um, not that it
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was like the immediate factor, but
but because I would had not shared this
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information prior to two thousand six,
I think it was, Um, there
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was never gonna be a place for
me and the relationship that I was in
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that was gonna be open enough to
be healthy enough to be ultimately a positive,
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long lasting relationship. So there was
always gonna be a part of the
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a part of the factor. Why
Um, now with my first marriage,
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that wasn't so much the case.
And I'm not gonna uh and there's that's
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just all you have to know about
about the first marriage. But but let
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me just say for the rest for
the for the rest of my other relationships,
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me withholding that information that it was
then embedded that then just you know,
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manifest itself in other negative ways in
me. I'm trying to remember,
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sabotaged the other relationships. Yeah,
and then, um, for me,
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I mean I got married, and
I mean that I'd never talked about it,
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I think except for one time,
and he was very just dismissive about
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it, kind of like, well, that probably doesn't have anything to do
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with me or anything you know,
with your life. Now. It was
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it happened once and that's your okay, so you should be fine. And
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so with that it was very much
so just gone. Um. Yeah,
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and I can't I don't know how
much of a I don't know how much
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of a negative factor or or if
any of that I can truly say that
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happened other than it was just dismissed
and I didn't really then think about it
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shouldn't have been yeah right, Um
my parents didn't know. I mean nobody
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knew. Um so when I told
my confidant supposed to be my best friend,
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my husband, and I don't know, I mean not everybody. I
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can't blame it on him. Not
everybody knows how to handle that deal with
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it, or they just choose not
to deal with it. And I didn't
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know how to deal with it well. And I feel like a lot of
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times, you know, with my
experience with dating and telling my partners,
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I just feel like sometimes they don't
get the true impact of it, right,
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they don't. I mean I had
one X was like, you know,
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people lose a leg and in six
months, you know, their self
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esteem or whatever gets back to normal. And I'm like, this isn't that.
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It just I didn't even know how
to respond to and to him when
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he said that, I just shut
down this. It's like, how do
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you even have a conversation? I
think where shut down? That's That's really
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what it sounded like. UM with
Linda was the same. You know when
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someone is dismissive or someone says,
oh, it's just one time or or
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minimizes it in any way. Well, then that tells you you both consciously
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and subconsciously, I can't. I
don't. I can't trust this person with
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these parts of me. Yeah.
Um yeah, I agree with just what
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David said. And you know,
I feel, like you know, I
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think there needs to be more education
on both parties to realize this does have
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such a huge impact. I mean, I know you guys probably struggle with
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some form of c PTSD as well
today, and I mean, how does
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that just affect your lives today?
Well, for me, it's um sent
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is the biggest triggered, like like
a physical trigger that leads to the emotional
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post traumatic stress. That's the that's
the one that I have to physically if
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I smell a lot of like you
know, like my mom says that,
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you know, when some guy drowns
himself in cologne. Um, but when
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I get just inundated with a like
a heavy cologne which has didn't even become
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even a heavy perfume, I have
to physically remove myself from whatever that situation
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is because it just immediately takes me
back to being an undersized, overweight little
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boy being overpowered by an adult male. And and I've witnessed one of Linda
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if you want to be the one
to tell it. You know, we're
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we were, we used, We
grew up just a few streets away from
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each other. And you know what's
what I'm talking about now, do you
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wanna? And so we were driving, well, you know, once while,
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you get a little nostalgic because outside
of I'm gonna say this in a
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joking way, because that's part of
my therapy. Outside of getting raped as
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a child, my childhood was pretty
good, you know, you know,
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the the rest of it was good. And so we were, you know,
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waxing nostalgic about where then the neighborhoods
that we grew up in. So
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we had just gone to her house, the house that she grew up in
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Tucker, and we were taking the
little back road to mine. Well,
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that road leads past the house where
Linda's abuse took place. But I didn't
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know that. Um, I would
have never driven past that road and past
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that house if that was the case, But I didn't know. And the
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moment we started driving down this one
road, even though we were gonna turn
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the other way, we are now
in what I have, I now learned.
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You know, I sight and you
know, the thrown a rock to
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hit it, and Lynda just started
shaking. She was visible visibly and physically
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upset. And you know, of
course, what what I did is I
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immediately stopped, which was the worst
thing because then we will still being able
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to see it. And she had
to explain to me that's where it was,
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that's where it took place, and
at which point we immediately got out
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of there. And and we've never
been down that road again. UM,
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yeah, truly happened. Yeah,
Um, what are what are? What
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did you learn from your first marriage
that's helped you and your current marriage?
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Communication? Communication? Communication? Um? That and with that, there's no
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fights, because that's a choice.
David and I truly not everybody's gonna believe
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this. We have never had an
argument, not one. Doesn't mean we
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don't disagree on things, doesn't mean
we don't have differences of opinions, doesn't
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mean we haven't hurt each other's feelings
at times, but never argued. We've
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never fought because of what let it
just said, that communication, Well,
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and because of our past, we
realize what is important to us and the
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worst thing that either one of us
could do in our hearts is hurt each
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other's feelings. That hurts us just
as much as it hurts you know,
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our spouse or more, because we
don't mean to hurt someone's feelings. Um
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but we've learned the wisdom all that
we have learned. Yeah, and in
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that moment we will say this is
this has hurt me. And that's how.
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That's even hard to do when you've
had your feelings hurt to say to
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your partner that hurt me and here's
how, or here's why, or or
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I can't even explain why, but
it did. And you know, if
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if it's I me, that's her
Lennus feelings, or I've I've done something
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wrong, or she immediately has let
me know and we talk about it right
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then and there and it and it
doesn't make the pain go away. You
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know, it's not gonna do nothing's
gonna make it but it but it does
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keep. So Therefore, just like
Lenna said, there's no fight, there's
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no argument, we talk about it. Okay, What what can I then
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do to to make sure I don't
do this again? How can I be
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your best partner? Yeah? I
feel like communication is excellent. Um So
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there's just not anything you guys have. I mean, And David has gone
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on a rant before, and I
say a rant because he'll he'll be all
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upset about some in particular thing and
I don't even remember what it was.
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And I just said, you know
what, David, I hear you,
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and I respect your feelings, but
I just don't agree with you. And
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then he starts laughing like he is
now like, I love how you just
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said that, because it isn't what
it is. It is respect for each
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other. There's reasons why I feel
ways about life that he does. Because
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whatever we've gone through in our lives
with whatever doesn't matter. But for twenty
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five years, we were on different
paths at different people, in different directions,
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in different places of the country the
continent, you know, and and
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her experience and experiences are things that
I have and vice versa. And that's
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where we try to learn from each
other, you know, be grateful from
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that that added wisdom and experience that
the other person brings. But I promise
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you we really haven't ever add a
five that's ten, that's now ten eight
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years, get married, and a
couple of years datings are almost two years.
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Ten years okay, and and you
know, and you guys have to
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well, Linda has two kids,
and how does the co parenting is that
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in the kids are older there,
twenty eight and thirties, so there's no
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really co parenting involved. You know, our youngest is in California and we're
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new grandparents and we're new grandparents three
months of being granny and granddaddy and they're
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in California. But so is that
what you meant co parenting? Look with
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my ex or with David and I
being com parents, like I guess the
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three or four of you together if
they met. We all were together in
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Georgia for the baby shower and it
went amazing because we were there for them
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and it wasn't about us. It's
not about us anymore that we can't change
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anything from the past, and we
just wish the best for each other and
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we're just there for the kids.
And her ex, Scott has since remarried
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as well. Um, and so
you know, they've got their own life
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and and that's what it's. It's
how it's it's all been, you know,
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since everybody went their separate ways,
is to be you know, wish
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wish them the best and when we
come together for family functions. It's it's
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about the kids and the grandkids.
I guess I was thinking more in the
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early years when your kids were still
minors. Well, the youngest wasn't as
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fun. He wasn't mean or upset
or disrespectful to me. Um, but
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he was he was eighteen, seventeen
or eighteen, and he just you know,
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this is his mom, right,
this is who he loves, and
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I'm just some dude. And um, he was less receptive towards having any
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kind of interaction with me. Flash
forward ten years later. Um, because
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Lindon I allowed the boys to have
whatever they wanted to have of a relationship
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with me. We weren't We didn't
try to force anything, We didn't try
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to manufacture anything. Right, it's
gonna it's gonna be organic, it's gonna
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be whatever it's gonna be, and
it's gonna be on their terms. And
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and because I think we did it
that way. And there's such good young
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men that her and Scott did such
amazing job of raising them and loving them
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that they I now have a great
relationship with both of them. You know,
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they'll call me out of the blue
and ask me questions about things,
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and they also see, um,
how how how great David loves me and
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how he is His heart is first
for God and then it's me, And
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that's their heart is first God and
then family, right, UM and so
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but you know, through everything we've
gone through in our life, Rachel,
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if it hasn't been for God,
we I don't know where we would be,
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honestly with our faith in Him and
now in His blessings. So and
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that works for us. It's been
amazing, um. And Linda has always
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had that I I it took me. I didn't have that path always,
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UM. For the better part of
for longer than two decades. I didn't
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want anything to do with God,
the church, or anybody saying they had
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anything to do with because my abuse
happened at the hands of a minister.
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And then when I did come forward, the church was the his has still
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been. Of those groups and people
who have helped in any way, the
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church has been the least helpful.
UM. And I was speaking specifically about
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the denomination in which it occurred.
And and there there were times I didn't
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not only want not only not wanting
them to God, I hated God.
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I helped God responsible for what happened
to me. But eventually, um,
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when I began to heal, when
I began non Christian and none thing,
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none organized religion healing, with snap
and with therapy and people that were genuine
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in helping me, that's when my
heart began to soften and I began to
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see that it wasn't for me.
It wasn't that God wanted this to happen
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or allow this to happen. This
was a human being who is, in
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my opinion, pure evil, as
are all offenders and their enablers. And
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and that's what enabled me to again
have my faith different than before, but
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strong again in a very different way. And then that's what then with like
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Linda was saying just a second ago, our faith is a big you know,
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it's a huge part of our relationship. You know. We we go
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to a little Episcopal church not far
from here. We have a little small
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group of of our friends at the
church that we rely on that they're they're
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a big part of our lives.
And and then and and it it's as
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Linda said, it's it's important,
but we're not we're not also not judgmental
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of those who have been harmed and
wronged by the church and have not come
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back or don't have any intention of
Um. How some how someone heals and
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what's helpful and useful for them,
then that's what they should do. No,
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it's you know, it's all on
how we tried it to recovery,
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you know, and that can look
different in many different ways. Um.
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Does having a spouse that's also a
survivor help you relate to each other better?
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And if so, how yes,
because of having had both um where
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it didn't happen, and it has
happened when, like I said previously,
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when I told my ex that happened, very dismissive of it. When I
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told David, what can I do
to help you? I'm always here for
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you if you want to talk,
um. So he immediately believed me and
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is still my rock and my shoulder
to lean on if and when I have
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my bad days. And we don't
have to understand necessarily that exactly what each
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other are going through, but we
respect it and we acknowledge that, you
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know, we are here m hm
um. So that has. It definitely
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has for David and I. It's
not so much that it has it's gonna
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sound weird. It's not that it's
made it stronger. But we have that
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to where we definitely get it and
we get each other in that. And
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so now as a powerful couple in
this community like this, we can help
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each other and help our community the
like I still I'm I'm we we we.
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I just turned turned fifty four this
year, and there are still nights
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that I wake up. It hadn't
happened as recent as recently, but I
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say a year ago, but where
Linda has to has to has to wake
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me up from the nightmare that I'm
having, and it's a recurring nightmare of
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the predator putting his hand over my
mouth and making me be quiet, hold
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me down, and I'm screaming.
I obviously I don't know this, but
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I'm screaming and Linda has to wake
me up to let me know it's okay.
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I'm here, And so I mean
there, Yeah, I mean haven't.
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Having someone who understands your pain in
ways that other people can't is a
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big deal. And um, what
are things that make it more difficult?
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Would you think? Are is there? Like you know, I don't.
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I don't see anything that makes it
more difficult. No, maybe if couples
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were maybe if the couple both hasn't
hadn't started healing and haddn't been healing together.
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Then there that's where one person being
triggered might end up triggering the other
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person. And so I can I
can see where there might be challenges for
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other couples in that it seemed similar
situation, but it has it hasn't been
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for us at all. Okay,
now I can as somebody who has been
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with somebody who hasn't been healed from
their trauma, it is definitely have been
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triggering for me. But that I
totally we can understand that. Alright.
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Guys, that's it for this week. Tune in next week to hear the
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rest on Linda and David on their
journey as survivors in their journey with their
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marriage. As always, thanks for
listening to Rachel and Recovery and always feel
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00:27:23.640 --> 00:27:27.519
free to reach out to us either
on your favorite social media platform or on
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00:27:27.599 --> 00:27:33.359
Rachel Recovery dot com and always find
us on your favorite platform for a podcast. Thanks
